Posted on 04/18/2012 6:59:33 AM PDT by Kaslin
Culture Challenge of the Week: Finding A Good Man
Call it the lament of the young, single woman: there are no good men left. Or if there are, where are they? And how can a young woman pursue a healthy, marriage-minded relationship in a singles culture of casual sex and perpetual adolescence?
In her new book, The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After (Regnery Publishing, 2012), Elizabeth Kantor provides some answers. She writes, “Of course it’s no secret that modern mating rituals have gone badly wrong.” And indeed they have: the number of cohabitating couples has doubled in the past twenty years, and the marriage rate has dropped precipitously. Many singles find themselves on a path to lifelong singlehood, not necessarily by choice. And even within relationships, time-honored ideals---like fidelity—increasingly fall by the wayside. (A recent Match.com survey found that only 62% of men believe that sexual fidelity is a “must have” in a relationship. In comparison, 80% of women say fidelity is a must for a successful relationship.)
Happily Ever After offers a thought-provoking, encouraging, and often witty take on what’s wrong with today’s dating patterns. Even better, Kantor draws on the wisdom and insights of Jane Austen’s heroines to mark out a confident path for young women who want a good man and a relationship that will deliver a lifetime of happiness—and love—in marriage.
Kantor asks, "What is it that Jane Austen heroines do (that we’re not doing) that makes really satisfying happy endings possible for them, and not so likely for us?"
The author’s interpretation of Jane Austen—whose old, romantic novels became modern box office hits--suggests a model for young women who want lasting, happy relationships. Modern-day Jane Austen “heroines” should cultivate “true elegance” instead of “hotness,” demand love without humiliation, develop competence about men, respect their own female psychology, and take relationships seriously.
How to Save Your Family: Share Happily Ever After
Today’s singles often seem clueless about what makes a relationship work or even what they should hope it will include. And for women, it’s even more confusing. Feminist thought urges women to plan their futures with a single-minded career focus, leaving little room for men, marriage, and children. Young women may fall into the trap of pursuing personal autonomy and career success with little thought about relationships, marriage, and family—until they find themselves lonely and alone.
Kantor resists the notion that a Jane Austen-style approach to relationships requires “a life of pre-feminist misery and oppression.” But she stresses that it’s reasonable for women to “spend significant intellectual and emotional capital on our relationships—but in the right way, not the wrong way.”
What’s the right way? Neither romantic illusions, nor Victorian repression, nor modern cynicism. Instead, Kantor writes, women need to understand the real meaning of love and happiness—and settle for nothing less.
Sprinkled throughout the book are “Tips” for “Janeites,” little nuggets of good advice, like these:
-“Stop making the same old bad choices about men before those choices ‘fix’ your character, freezing you into habits you may not be able to break out of.”
-“Drama is not the same thing as love.” (Who really wants a Kardashian-style relationship?)
-“Keep your distance, not to increase his love by suspense—but so you can make up your mind about a man while you can still see him clearly.” (An important point for a generation that too easily moves from the bar to the bedroom to sharing an apartment.)
At the end of each chapter, Kantor frames questions to help readers assess their own relationships. In easy to read bullet points, she helps women probe the strengths and weaknesses of their current relationships. And in true Jane Austen style, she urges them to have the boldness to “arrange their own marriages”—to choose wisely and decide fearlessly if a relationship is likely to secure a happy future.
And the Jane Austen promise? That love and happiness go together: women can live “happily ever after” marriages if they recognize, expect, and pursue true love.
ShareThe Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After with your daughters – and all the single women you know.
Your profile page didn’t make mention of your sex. Okay, then take all those points you feel objection to and reverse them. I sure don’t want to come home to some fat slob wearing a woman beater shirt with a beer in his hand.
It sounds like something an immature 20 yr. old might write.
There’re a dime a dozen where I work. Always interested in themselves and an over inflated ego about their appearances...and how wonderful they are. Trust me once they speak they have little to offer.
It’s simply the mindset of the too many young woman today.
But I’m a Protestant.
Still, Jameson isn’t bad. Not a bit of it.
That’s not what husbands are....sounds like you might have neet a few loosers along the way like that....might want to up your standards.
The article said nothing about the guy whatsoever...it was completely focused on what a little girl would get from her father...clearly not a husband.
[A relationship is in deep trouble when one or both parties decides it’s too much work to keep the other happy.]
True. It also indicates a lesser degree of love and caring.
I grew up watching a most perfect love story - the marriage of my parents. There was never a fight, an argument or a sharp word spoken. Frankly I was unprepared for real life, lol.
I think the point is that if you want a man that meets your list - then you better be a woman that strives to meet the same standard.
IOW - the devotion you describe doesn't happen in a vacuum devoid of outside influence. Rather it tends to be the result of mutual reciprocity.
Love works best as a dance of mutual partners.
Which of course is a much different than the dance style popular today: pole-dancing, g-strings, Chippendale's, etc...
And I was being rhetorical. Sorry if it it didn’t come across.
Portland, Oregon a bastion of liberals, worse than Seattle.
I agree it’s mutual.
I have the complete opposite problem. My GF's libidio is higher than my own and I have a normal drive of a mid 20's guy. The problem with her high libidio is it correspondingly makes her a ultra toucher and hugger the rest of the time. Sit alone on the couch enjoying a movie, no way, she is right there with me wanting to hug or hold me near 24/7. I consider myself a very passionate and romantic guy but sometimes I need my own space.
TBH some times I would just rather watch a movie or lift but I rarely turn her down.
Portland, Oregon a bastion of liberals, worse than Seattle.
A single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Well, I originally meant like where is she looking for men locally (like church, online, or what have you) rather than where, but if she’s in Portland it probably doesn’t matter. Finding a straight conservative Christian man in Portland might be impossible.
I just figured I would ask because if conservative single women were looking in certain places in one part of the country, they might be looking there elsewhere.
You are blessed and in the vast majority of things, I am, too. We all get better than we deserve. I totally agree with your assessment of our “lost” world.
Thank you for your intercession; “the prayer of a righteous man availeth much”.
If she loved him, she would make an effort to keep him happy. If she's not interested in making an effort, then she doesn't love him.
Hey, I’m a gal and I totally agree with you.
It's good that you try not to turn her down. Women don't take it well, and feel rejected, even if they don't verbalize it.
It would be nice if that’s all men had to do. In my own family, two women in good marriages to good men became dissatisfied, dwelled on their resentments and escalated them, initiated divorce and broke up the foundation of their children’s lives. Their husbands wanted to try to save the marriage even after it got really bad, even after infidelity in one case.
This is my advice to women:
Find a good man.
Marry the good man.
Now comes the important part:
Spend the rest of your life appreciating him and being thankful for your good fortune.
You know his weaknesses - never attack him there.
You know his strengths - build them.
Make love to him often.
Feed him well and healthily.
Stay fit.
Don’t be a control freak. Minimize criticism and nagging.
Forgive all the little things. Don’t let resentments build.
Teach your children to hold him in honor and respect.
If there are problems in your marriage, and they are not because he is abusive, adulterous, addicted, or abandoning, try changing your own behavior first.
Positive reinforcement is better than negative reinforcement. (look that up in terms of animal training.)
Let him see your happiness with him.
Excellent comments. I would add, for both men and women:
No other person can totally make you happy. Real happiness comes from within, from who YOU are, not from who someone else is. If you are happy within, you will help your marriage immeasurably and see the good in your husband (or wife) even during rough times. There are always rough times.
Freepmail wagglebee to subscribe or unsubscribe from the moral absolutes ping list.
FreeRepublic moral absolutes keyword search
Very interesting discussion on the thread. I will add another comment: Feminism is one of the main drivers of the ruination of marriage by ruining women's actual femininity and the real value of womanhood.
I was responding to #55, in which the poster asked an analogous rhetorical question about women. Read before you accuse, please.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.