Tim: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.
Jerry: 5000.
Tim: 5000, even better.
Posted on 05/27/2009 7:00:52 AM PDT by Milhous
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar. "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine." I have long been convinced that two things have allowed we Jews to survive for almost four thousand years and outlive our long list of enemies in the process: religious faith and a burning desire to tell jokes, especially the self deprecating kind. ... I'm also personally discovering that the older a Jew gets, the more he or she wants to tell stories and have them laughed at — even if they aren't officially in the comedy trade or even if the jokes they're telling are ancient and have been recounted time and time again. Like me, for example.
Hollywood director and producer Sam Hoffman has came up with the perfect solution: the enormously successful Jewish humor website called "Old Jews Telling Jokes" (www.oldjewstellingjokes.com) which Hoffman launched just last year. Born of his own fondness for the funny tales he heard from his father, family and friends over four decades, the website is just what it's called: Old Jews telling jokes.
"I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer."
"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."
...
(Excerpt) Read more at jewishworldreview.com ...
From my completely non-observand Jewish brother-in-law:
A waitress walks up to two elderly jewish ladies and asks:
“Was anything OK?”
Tim: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.
Jerry: 5000.
Tim: 5000, even better.
LOL!
A Jewish mother gives her son two shirts for his birthday.
The next morning, he comes down to breakfast wearing one of them.
“I knew it!” she moans. “You didn’t like the other one.”
An old Myron Cohen Joke..
Overheard on the Radio....
“This is Radio Israel 1500 on your dial...But for you ! ..1498
LOL! Sounds like my wife, and we’re not even Jewish.
The managers says, "Ah, they want him to be a doctor."
Jake has just returned home for lunch with his wife and two children from the local Catholic parish church where he has been taking instructions to convert from Judaism to Catholicism.
Today was the day of his baptism, so he was now a committed Catholic.
Lunch had barely begun when his wife said, “Jake, we’ve been married for 22 years now and you’ve never given me money to buy decent clothes. Now that you’re a Catholic give me $100.
Jake gave her the $100 and she dashed out the door.
Daughter Rachael then said, “Dad you’ve never even given me an allowance. Now that you’re a Catholic I want $50 to spend on whatever I want.”
Jake gave Rachael the $50 and she then dropped her fork and ran out the door.
That left Jake and his 17-year-old son.
“Dad, I have never had a decent date where I could spend a few bucks and now that you’re a Catholic how about giving me $50 so I can show my girl friend a good time.”
Jake gave his son, Joel, $50 and watched as Joel ran from the table and out the door.
Jake sat there a few minutes, all by himself, and glanced at his watch.
“I’ve been a Catholic for less than an hour and already these damned jews have taken me for 200 bucks!”
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man, “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said, “Yes”, and walked away.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, “Do you see what’s going on in Poland?” The other says, “I live in the back, I don’t see anything.”
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy.”
The man says, “I want a second opinion.”
The doctor says, “OK, you’re ugly too.”
A guy says to a doctor, “I’m having trouble with my love life at home.” the doctor says, “Take off 20 pounds and run 10 miles a day for two weeks.”
Two weeks later the guy calls the doctor, “Doctor, I took of the 20 pounds and I have been running the 10 miles a day.”
“Okay, so how is your love life now?”
“I don’t know, I’m 140 miles from home!”
A man can’t find a lawyer. He picks up the Yellow Pages and he sees the firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. Calls them up and says, “Is Mr. Schwartz in?”
“No he’s out playing golf.”
“Well, is Mr. Schwartz in?”
“No, he left the firm.”
“Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.”
“He is in Detroit and will not be back until next week.”
Ok, how about Mr. Schwartz, then?”
“Speaking.”
The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, “Don’t sit down.”
The food on the plane was fit for a king. “Here, King.”
A panhandler says to me, “Mister, I haven’t tasted food for a week.”
I said, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a a sign saying, “Drink Canada Dry”; so he went up there.
My mother was 88 years old, she never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle.
Anyone ever heard the theory that (Jewish) Mothers would emasculated their sons in order to help them survive through the years?
Maybe that is a discredited notion now, but I do remember hearing it.
ba da bump
Schtickel ping
Moishe, the Tailor, finds out his best friend has been bedding his wife.
He spots the guy the next day, and infuriated, grabs him by the lapels and start yelling at him: “You BUM!, You RAT!, say, you call this a lapel?”
Such a ping I’m giving you
[Pope John Paul] said Jim Caviezel, what have you learned in playing Jesus Christ? I said, well, Holy Father, I've been hanging out with -- he goes, yes, I said I think Jesus was Italian. He said, what? I said, well, he didn't leave home until he was 30. He always hang out with the same 12 guys, and his mother, believed he was God. So he had to be Italian, you know. [*rimshot*] I said, you're not upset with me.
"He said, no, I always believed he was Polish." [*rimshot*]
todah!
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