[Milhous]

Old Jews Telling Jokes

Barnett Hoffman, "Morris and Jake"

Morris comes home and finds his partner Jake in bed with his wife. He says, "Jake, I have to, but you?"

---

The Yada Yada

Jerry: What's up?

Tim: I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.

Jerry: Excuse me?

Tim: I'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago.

Jerry: Well... (Thinking of something to say) Welcome aboard.

Tim: Thanks.

. . .

Tim: All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?

Jerry: Hey.

Tim: Those aren't mahtzah balls.

Jerry: Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?

Tim: Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?

Jerry: I know, but...

Tim: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.

Jerry: 5000.

Tim: 5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a schtickle of flouride.

. . .

% Jerry enters confessional, sits down on kneeler. Father Curtis opens sliding door.

Father: That's a kneeler.

Jerry: Oh. (Adjusts accordingly)

Father: Tell me your sins, my son.

Jerry: Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish.

Father: That's no sin.

Jerry: Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.

Father: And this offends you as a Jewish person.

Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you that he's also telling Catholic jokes.

Father: Well.

Jerry: And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.

Father: I haven't heard that one.

Jerry: Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, "Those aren't buoys." (Father starts laughing) Father...

Father: One second... Well, if it would make you feel better I could speak to Dr. Whatley. I have to go back and have a wisdom teeth removed.

Jerry: You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist don't you?

Father: Um...

Jerry: Newer magazines.

Father: Now if you'll excuse me. (Closes door. George enters confessional.)

George: Jerry, I gotta talk to you.

. . .

% At the dentist, Tim is working on Jerry.

Jerry: (In pain) Oh, are you about done?

Tim: I'm just getting warmed up. Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.

Jerry: Huh?

Tim: Father Curtis told me about your little joke.

Jerry: What about all your Jewish jokes?

Tim: I'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through.

Jerry: The Jews?

Tim: No, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?

Jerry: Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?

% Jerry enters his apartment to see Kramer talking on his phone.

. . .

Jerry: So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.

Kramer: Those people, listen to yourself.

Jerry: What?

Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.

Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.

Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.

Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!

Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.

Jerry: They do have their own schools!

Kramer: Yeah!

. . .

Jerry: Hi, Mr. Abbott.

Mr. Abbott: That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.

[SJSAMPLE]

From my completely non-observand Jewish brother-in-law:

A waitress walks up to two elderly jewish ladies and asks:

“Was anything OK?”

[earlJam]

Tim: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.

Jerry: 5000.

Tim: 5000, even better.

[TADSLOS]

LOL!

[CanaGuy]

A manager brings a dog into a night club to perform. The dog is a brilliant piano player---Bach, Beethoven, the works. He's sitting at the piano playing and all of a sudden a big bushy-haired dog comes in and yanks him off the stool and starts dragging him to the door. The owner, horrified, runs to the dog's manager and screams, "Hey, what's goin' on?"

The managers says, "Ah, they want him to be a doctor."

[IbJensen]

Jake has just returned home for lunch with his wife and two children from the local Catholic parish church where he has been taking instructions to convert from Judaism to Catholicism.

Today was the day of his baptism, so he was now a committed Catholic.

Lunch had barely begun when his wife said, “Jake, we’ve been married for 22 years now and you’ve never given me money to buy decent clothes. Now that you’re a Catholic give me $100.

Jake gave her the $100 and she dashed out the door.

Daughter Rachael then said, “Dad you’ve never even given me an allowance. Now that you’re a Catholic I want $50 to spend on whatever I want.”

Jake gave Rachael the $50 and she then dropped her fork and ran out the door.

That left Jake and his 17-year-old son.

“Dad, I have never had a decent date where I could spend a few bucks and now that you’re a Catholic how about giving me $50 so I can show my girl friend a good time.”

Jake gave his son, Joel, $50 and watched as Joel ran from the table and out the door.

Jake sat there a few minutes, all by himself, and glanced at his watch.

“I’ve been a Catholic for less than an hour and already these damned jews have taken me for 200 bucks!”

[IbJensen]

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man, “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said, “Yes”, and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, “Do you see what’s going on in Poland?” The other says, “I live in the back, I don’t see anything.”

[IbJensen]

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy.”
The man says, “I want a second opinion.”
The doctor says, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

A guy says to a doctor, “I’m having trouble with my love life at home.” the doctor says, “Take off 20 pounds and run 10 miles a day for two weeks.”
Two weeks later the guy calls the doctor, “Doctor, I took of the 20 pounds and I have been running the 10 miles a day.”
“Okay, so how is your love life now?”
“I don’t know, I’m 140 miles from home!”

A man can’t find a lawyer. He picks up the Yellow Pages and he sees the firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. Calls them up and says, “Is Mr. Schwartz in?”
“No he’s out playing golf.”
“Well, is Mr. Schwartz in?”
“No, he left the firm.”
“Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.”
“He is in Detroit and will not be back until next week.”
Ok, how about Mr. Schwartz, then?”
“Speaking.”

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, “Don’t sit down.”

The food on the plane was fit for a king. “Here, King.”

A panhandler says to me, “Mister, I haven’t tasted food for a week.”
I said, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a a sign saying, “Drink Canada Dry”; so he went up there.

My mother was 88 years old, she never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle.

[Larry Lucido]

Schtickel ping

[BibChr]

Such a ping I’m giving you

[Milhous]

ping

[Slings and Arrows]

If we're the Chosen People, why did G-d give us the only place in the Middle East without any oil?

[fanfan]

These are funny jokes!

A confident person can laugh at themselves.

I love this kind of humour! Thanks.

[Titan Magroyne]

Dang, that’s funny typed out right there! Which just means that what turned me off of the show was the whiny delivery of most of the main characters. The only one I liked was Kramer.

And hey - we know what happened to HIS standup career, LOL!

[Tanniker Smith]

Just sent this to my boss...