Posted on 07/02/2008 4:19:31 AM PDT by Sub-Driver
Congress to Halt Closing of Unprofitable Starbucks by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace · No Comments
(2008-07-02) — Democrats in Congress today plan to introduce a bill to halt the recently-announced closing of some 600 Starbucks coffee stores, noting that the displacement of 12,000 Starbucks baristas would overwhelm government aid offices not prepared to handle so many clients for whom English is a second language.
Baristas, those who serve Starbucks beverages, speak a peculiar dialect that combines pseudo-Italian and American slang with inflections borrowed from ancient hemp-smoking cultures.
“These people can’t just walk out of Starbucks and get a job at a grocery store or a factory,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. “They would need ESL classes and cultural training to learn how to relate to ordinary Americans and function in society.”
Rep. Pelosi’s bill would subsidize the 600 money-losing Starbucks locations by giving away millions of taxpayer dollars in so-called ‘Venti Vouchers’ to residents of these hard-hit neighborhoods. If the effort fails to revive the flagging stores, Rep. Pelosi said Democrats would “seriously consider nationalizing the coffee industry to ensure the free flow of java at fair prices.”
“This is just another one of our heroic Democrat efforts to protect Americans from the impact of the Bush economic policies,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Under this president, America has become a cold and desolate place where corporations cut unprofitable activities to focus on increasing the bottom line, and returning value to shareholders. When Democrats retake the White House next year, we will reverse that trend.”
Yes indeed ... The goobermint can get warmed up, rescuing Starbucks, ‘cause GM, Ford, and Chrysler are waiting in the wings for some of that there groovy taxpayer largesse ...
psssst... Scrappleface is a spoof, a parody, a satire...
But, as is often the case, satire that is believable is usually the funniest.
Tell me, why did you believe this? Because we can actually see congress trying to do such a thing under Pelosi’s leadership.
PS: Yes, I know it’s Scrappleface, but be careful ... they’re giving the CongressCritters ideas.
Where will the Libs who were hanging out at those 600 stores meet now? This will be a real hardship on them now. They might have to walk a block to a different Starbucks!
In Starbucks case, expensive, vogue coffee was bound to have lost it’s mass market appeal sometime.
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Well, considering espresso has been a popular European and Middle Eastern drink for several hundred years, I’d have to disagree.
Starbucks’ coffee isn’t too overpriced considering they have been moving in the direction of Fair Trade coffee. (ONE coffee bean is handled individually no less than three times by a human hand in the coffee production process. . .it is a commodity that if real FMV were applied would be more in the $50-$75/lb. range!!)
It is Starbucks’ Specialty Drinks (Lattes, Frappucinos) that has everyone “thinking” they sell $5.00 coffee. Consumers think nothing of paying $10 for a specialty martini, so, considering what goes into a latte, five bucks is quite reasonable.
It’s not that they’ve “lost” mass appeal, it’s that consumers are coming down to making a decision of: Do I put gas in my car to get to work? Or do I get my Venti Caramel Macchiato every morning?
The stores on college campuses are booming while the ones in ‘working’ neighborhoods are now underperforming...it’s the demographics and economy affecting the slide, not appeal.
/former coffee house owner
Who wants to rub elbows with the kind if elitist maroons who hang out a Starbucks? Besides, Dunkin' Donuts coffee is better!
I never considered Starbucks "elitist." I've been to Starbucks many times in uniform, and I've seen plenty of other soldiers stopping in at Starbucks. I just love the lattes.
MUCH too funny!
Very very close!
2 things to try: DD’s Turbo Hot (a shot of espresso in regular DD’s), and believe it or not, McDonald’s now that they’re using better coffee and a darker roast. Also, if you take it regular, DD’s uses a lot of cream and sugar; if you ask for a little less the coffee taste doesn’t get covered up.
It’s pretentious, narcissistic swill, doled out and slurped up by pretentious, narcissistic, self-righteous, smug fools.
They don’t know how to make it there.
I would agree with this wholeheartedly.
White Castle coffee is excellent, as well.
Rep. Stephanie Herseth-Sandlin (D-SD)stated that residents of communities like Pukwanna and Buffalo, South Dakota are under served by coffee houses and have as much right to enjoy a frappacino as those living in big cities. She added that a local Starbucks could provide valuable broadband Internet access in these communities as well as boost employment.
I have one word for you two guys: Scappleface.
Besides, since they already have the leases on the properties they should be forced to sell coffee even if it’s uneconomic to do so.
Just give them a little time and they will come up with a way.
I have had the McDonald’s and it is not bad.
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