Posted on 07/02/2008 4:19:31 AM PDT by Sub-Driver
Congress to Halt Closing of Unprofitable Starbucks by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace · No Comments
(2008-07-02) — Democrats in Congress today plan to introduce a bill to halt the recently-announced closing of some 600 Starbucks coffee stores, noting that the displacement of 12,000 Starbucks baristas would overwhelm government aid offices not prepared to handle so many clients for whom English is a second language.
Baristas, those who serve Starbucks beverages, speak a peculiar dialect that combines pseudo-Italian and American slang with inflections borrowed from ancient hemp-smoking cultures.
“These people can’t just walk out of Starbucks and get a job at a grocery store or a factory,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. “They would need ESL classes and cultural training to learn how to relate to ordinary Americans and function in society.”
Rep. Pelosi’s bill would subsidize the 600 money-losing Starbucks locations by giving away millions of taxpayer dollars in so-called ‘Venti Vouchers’ to residents of these hard-hit neighborhoods. If the effort fails to revive the flagging stores, Rep. Pelosi said Democrats would “seriously consider nationalizing the coffee industry to ensure the free flow of java at fair prices.”
“This is just another one of our heroic Democrat efforts to protect Americans from the impact of the Bush economic policies,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Under this president, America has become a cold and desolate place where corporations cut unprofitable activities to focus on increasing the bottom line, and returning value to shareholders. When Democrats retake the White House next year, we will reverse that trend.”
Any business that can’t turn a profit should be subsidized until they make a profit. Then they should be taxed out the wahzoo until they no longer make a profit.
Gotta love scrappleface!!
LOL...I’m sure Maxine Waters and Maurice Hinchey will be on TV suggesting that the US nationalize Starbuck’s in order to save the baristas’ jobs. These two economics PHDs can point to how well the government runs Medicare and FEMA as the basis for their expertise.
The morons in Congress are going to be shocked to hell when the massive layoffs start coming their way this fall. Between the airlines, auto industry, tourism industry, and all the supporting business dry up and blow away.
Congress does not have the authority to tell businesses when they can shut down and layoff.
Very nice. As usual Scrappleface is very very close to believable.
What’s happening to Starbucks is really nothing new. I remember when TCBY was all the rage back in the 80s and they simply overexpanded.
In Starbucks case, expensive, vogue coffee was bound to have lost it’s mass market appeal sometime. That’s not to say that Starbucks will go away or doesn’t have it’s place but jeez, they had franchises EVERYWHERE, as some said, even right across the street from each other.
I’m not a coffee user, but word is that McDonalds coffee is better than Starbucks, and much cheaper.
Exactly right. When is it any of Congress’s business to tell a company they can’t lay off workers? This is just one more reason to vote out the socialists in power now. Democrats are Socialists, pure and simple.
Dumkin Donuts it the best.
If the focus were about a planned Congressional RAT Party led-proposal for a taxpayer funded bail out of specific Starbucks owners in districts where Dodd’s Pelosi’s Reids’ Kennedy’s, Murtha’s, Mcdermott’s, Wechler’s, Webb’s, Frank’s, Rockerfeller’s families back home get their free coffee for life, that would be even more believable.
I've read it all now.
I was waiting to see how many would think this was more than a spoof.....didn’t take long
That must be why all the cops go there.
A major economic depression is one thing....but...closing hundreds of Starbucks is unthinkable. The idea of buying coffee for a dollar instead of three dollars is just...well...un-American.
OK, I realize that Scrappleface does post a lot of ‘gotch ya’ articles. However, the way our Congress is operating at this time, it would not surprise me in the least. LOL!! Good one.
Now.we’ll have 2 starbucks on every block instead of 3!
Yes, they are very funny, love to read them.
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