Posted on 08/28/2006 4:09:24 AM PDT by RobFromGa
Dear Rob,
"Cheated" twice with a couple beers a couple times over the last couple days, though, nominally, it'll be three weeks "clean" on Tuesday. This adds to guilt, but is the only way I can get myself relaxed enough to keep from bawling out of extremely-uncool and undeserved self-pity.
I'm under great medical observation, and a crapload of antidepressants [x,y, and z].
Tell me, Rob, what it is I'm recovering "from" and why, since this world is such a [messed up] place? When I was a drunk, sure, I'd be moody in the mornings, productive at work (and I NEVER drank during the day), and everyone's friend once I got home. Now it's just constant depression and having to face a [messed] up world (with way too many liberals in it .
I'm a very proud, spiritual Christian, but I'm even too ashamed to pray, at least at length, since both He and I know that I am the problem.
The real abstraction here is if this horrid beautiful watery place is better with or without my presence. That last sentence isn't a "cry for help - please hug me I'm hurting, Oprah" throwaway - it's a serious question about which me is better: the happy, intoxicated, likely-to-be-shorter-lived friend of everyone, or the stoic, medicated, spooked, depressed sober me who no one will ever trust again since he had such "deep issues".
What I need is reason/cognition/rationalization, and maybe I'll increase my [x] or extend it for a couple more weeks.
You're an Internet pal, trustworthy by sheer virtue of being a Conservative, and, your advice and wisdom is easier to follow exactly because I do NOT know you personally.
If you don't mind redacting my screenname, feel free to poll/ping the Recovery List. I'll "come out" when I'm ready, I promise.
God Bless You and have a great week,
You are correct that our friend is getting a little ahead of himself at this point, and projecting his thoughts and feelings into the future.
No doubt he will be a different person in a few ways by the time he kicks the addiction, but what he likes about himself will not be taken away, it is this part that will be multiplied.
my FRiend thanks you for your prayers in his behalf.
I'm glad that so many FReepers were able to provide their insights and inspiration today.
I think that he will use all these kind thoughts and prayers to help him know that God wants him to succeed. And that God is not ashamed of anyone who is trying to improve themselves.
thanks for the prayers for our FRiend!
Thanks for offering up your thoughts and prayers for our FReeper FRiend. I hope he is lurking now.
I don't know Celebrate Recovery, but if it works for you then I am all for it!
I was at a very low point in my life, once, for reasons not important here. I, too, wondered if I should go on.
Here's the prayer I prayed:
God, if You're there, which I doubt,
And if You care, which I doubt,
You can have whatever part of me You can get.
And then, I just ceased to strive, kept putting one foot in front of the other, slept when I had to, ate when I had to, and ignored whatever was impossible and did what I could.
I can't even begin to express all the changes that took place, most of them I didn't realize except in retrospect, or when somebody else told me about them.
The Serenity Prayer does work in mysterious ways.
Why should we waste an ounce of effort trying to change something beyond our control. All we can do is change our reaction to the thing. Thanks for the reminder to use this valuable prayer.
Great advice!
I also made a list of all the things that I stood to gain through sobriety and the list is long and affects all facets of my life.
thanks for thinking of our FRiend in his time of need.
I am glad that you made it through your own time in the wilderness and came out on the other side. Thanks for sharing that it is possible to survive from what looks like the lowest of lows. I'm glad you made the decision to go on, and I'm sure that you have touched many by making that choice.
Amen to that. I can only add to be patient while waiting for the meds to kick in, take only what is prescribed, and you may have to try some different ones before one or a combination is found that is right for you. You may have been self-medicating with alcohol so you didn't have to deeal with a depression/anxiety of longstanding.
Now one of the best things I was ever told was "Let yourself feel the feelings." We try to not have those bad feelings, but it is part of life, if you just accept the pain, it will abate eventually. If you try to medicate it away with booze, it really only makes it worse. The pain does not last forever, comes and goes, and everybody deals with it in one form or another.
When you are really depressed, it can only get so bad, you reach a point where it cannot get worse as to the way you feel. What you choose to do about the way you feel is up to you.
It's hard to focus on others when you feel that bad, so focus on yourself. Start rebuilding your life with healthy things you enjoy; healthy give and take friendships will build on that. Sometimes you just have nothing left to give emotionally, and it's time to take time out for yourself. Try not to inflict pain on others just because you feel bad and they are doing well.
And good luck to you.
I've heard from our Recovering FRiend:
Rob,
I treated myself (because I have Mondays off until after Labor Day) and slept in.
Indeed, it's a new day, and the notion of suicide was a silly, impulsive vanity that I have no intention of following: it is the ultimate act of LIBERALISM: me first, screw the loved ones. If nothing else, I'm one more useful vote against Democrats.
Now if I could just read my monitor without wiping my eyes every three minutes.
I can't believe the volume of responses, for one.
It's okay to tell everyone that every drug I'm on has been prescribed by both my primary doc (and you can name them, which is fine) and my neurologist (specifically, Zoloft, Librium [which I may have cut back on too soon, bringing on last night's catharsis], Keppra [anticonvulsant], and BuSpar.
Thus far, what's really hit home was BilltheDrill advising me that I'm only going through a physical change that is manifesting itself affectively/psychologically.
And, uh, the thousand or so prayers people have already sent [my way], and, uh, the forwarded FReepmails [you passed along to me].
God Bless, and my Prayers and thanks to you and all responders, including the hard-asses (yes, I need to be kicked in the rear-end, because I AM lucky, productive, and functional).
It's easier to pray out of thankfulness than to ask for His help (for instance, when I had the original nightsweat/insomnia a couple weeks ago, I thanked God for every half hour of sleep). It's the pride that is, indeed, eating at me, perhaps enabling the "disease" (a paradigm I'm still mentally debating), and, perhaps, if I can start physically feeling a little better, I can get [my big] Ego to finally command God to drop anchor and row the lifeboats to shore.
[You can post this, too - just please redact, just like this morning]
I owe you all. Big Time.
Your Recovering FRiend
BTTT! LOL!
After my husband passed away (many years ago) I found myself saying the Serenity Prayer sometimes every five minutes. It carried me through many difficult moments.
Surrender all of "I" to Him. Until there is complete surrender of self there will be no peace within this person's soul. Pride and condemnation are the result of fear. In Him there is nothing to fear for He desires for this person to have peace, love and a sound mind. I will be praying for your acquaintance. May he find in the Lord what he will never be able to find in a bottle of alcohol or pills or in his own rationalization.
**Now one of the best things I was ever told was "Let yourself feel the feelings." We try to not have those bad feelings, but it is part of life, if you just accept the pain, it will abate eventually.**
And I have heard it said that "Feelings are neither right nor wrong." It's what we do with the feelings that can be right or wrong.
Such as drifting into anger or depression.
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