Posted on 07/25/2006 2:39:48 AM PDT by vertolet
MOSCOW -- With a heat wave baking my Stalin-era apartment building, I went to visit friends at their dacha outside Moscow. On the veranda of their simple wooden house, the table was set for a colorful feast, and over coals, cubes of lamb and pork sizzled on skewers.
Perhaps it was the cooking meat that inspired someone to tell this joke:
• Russian President Vladimir Putin is roasting Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko on a spit, working up a sweat as he rotates the spit as fast as he can.
``Why are you turning him so quickly?''
``I have to, otherwise Yushchenko will steal the coals.''
The joke hinges on Moscow's claim that Ukraine steals Russian natural gas. But it was the closest thing to the old Soviet political jokes, or anekdoty, that I had heard in a long time. Intrigued, I began some informal field research on Russian political humor today.
Here's one I heard repeated:
• Putin gets up in the middle of the night and goes to the refrigerator. When he opens the door, a dish of jellied meat begins to tremble.
``Don't worry, I've only come for a beer.''
Putin jokes tend to play on the Kremlin's consolidation of power, on the efforts to eliminate the opposition, on the silencing of independent voices and the domination of other branches of government:
• Putin goes to a restaurant with the leaders of the two houses of parliament. The waiter approaches and asks Putin what he would like to order.
``I'll have the meat.''
``And what about the vegetables?''
``They'll have the meat, too.''
Back in Soviet times, anekdoty were an essential social safety valve. Many jokes compared life under Vladimir Lenin, Nikita Khrushchev, Josef Stalin and Leonid Brezhnev:
• Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are traveling together on a train when suddenly it lurches to a stop. Stalin has the conductor shot. The train doesn't move. Khrushchev rehabilitates the conductor. The train still doesn't move. Brezhnev closes the curtains and says, ``Now, we're moving.''
Brezhnev took a beating for the Soviet Union's stagnation under his increasingly geriatric leadership, as in another old favorite:
• Brezhnev begins his speech opening the 1980 Summer Games: ``O! O! O!''
An aide interrupts him with a whisper: ``The speech starts below, Leonid Ilyich. That is the Olympic symbol.''
The anekdoty art form survived glasnost and the collapse of the Soviet Union. Mikhail Gorbachev was taken to task for his anti-alcohol campaign, and Boris Yeltsin for his drunken behavior and slurred speech. But Putin poses a problem for whoever it is who makes up these jokes. He's always in control, always on cue. He dresses well, speaks well and drinks in moderation.
The most telling thing about Putin jokes is their scarcity. This joke, for example, is 3 years old, and I haven't heard it lately:
• Putin is sitting in his office with his head in his hands, when Stalin's ghost appears. Putin tells the ghost his problems, bemoaning the incompetence of his Kremlin underlings.
''That's easy to fix,'' Stalin says. ``Shoot all the bad officials, and paint the Kremlin walls blue.''
''Why blue?'' Putin asks.
``Hah! I knew you'd only ask about the second part!''
Most people I asked, including a taxi driver who keeps his car radio tuned to a station called Humor FM, said they hadn't heard any Putin jokes, that Putin jokes would not be funny anyway or that the public wouldn't like Putin jokes because the president is so popular.
There are no jokes about Putin, and if there were, they would be in bad taste, snapped an art historian, an old friend.
Perhaps most revealing about Putin as a leader is his own crude sense of humor and the tough-talking street language he uses. He recently told his ministers that no economic changes could be expected until they ''stopped chewing on snot'' -- slang for getting down to work.
One of the very few people who has been successful at poking fun at Putin is Maxim Kononenko, who set up a website in 2003 that spoofed the president's lowbrow slang. Many people expected the site to be closed down fast. Instead, Kononenko's hallmark sendups of conversations between Putin and a key aide, which begin, ''Listen, Bro,'' won a coveted Saturday night spot on NTV -- hosted by a Kremlin favorite. Putin likes being portrayed as a tough guy.
Putin may not be funny enough to inspire a new generation of political humor, but what is happening in Russia is not always funny. Perhaps allowing a few more jokes would help.
Lynn Berry is the former editor of The Moscow Times.
vumping
Q: What happens when the USSR takes over the Sahara Desert?
A: For fifty years, nothing.
Then, there's a sand shortage...
The new anecdote:
Vladimir Putin promised to kiss in belly the author of the best question via Internet.
Send leno over there. He is full of old jokes that aremt funny. The only one who laughs at his jokes is the black guy who gets paid to.
He only kisses the belly buttons of the guys....
The Russian version is updated often while English isn't.
And the kind of humor is specific, I agree.
The changed old jokes. Boringly.
New one:
In a dream to R.Kadyrov come his father and tell him:
My son, you must be more cautious, I didn't meet Basayev here.
I always liked the Soviet era joke about the old man filing papers for his retirement.
Official: Where were you born?
Old Man: St. Petersburg.
Official: Where did you grow up?
Old Man: Petrograd.
Official: Where did you spent most of your career?
Old Man: Leningrad.
Official: Where do wish to retire to?
Old Man: St. Petersburg.
Russian teacher: "Alexei,how big is the Communist Party?"
Little Alexei: "almost 6 ft tall,Comrade Teacher?"
Russian Teacher: "what do you mean?...how do you know this?"
Little Alexei: 'because my father is 6 ft tall and every night when he comes home he says 'I've had it up to here with the Communist Party"
bumpsky
Monica Levinsky comes To Moscow under Zyuganov's invitation
to make impeachment to Yeltsin .
One more:
The important strategic purpose in Afghanistan - herd of donkeys (5 pieces a total cost of 200 dollars) has been destroyed by the American cruise missile "Tomahawk" (cost 2 million dollars). The world with interest observes of economic race of these two superpowers.
The American general looks puzzled for a moment then leans over and quietly says, "Ah don't mean ta embarrass ya general, but if I'm not mistaken we feed our troops in the field 3,000 calories a day."
The Soviet general looks offended for a moment then smiles broadly and begins laughing out loud. "Comrade General" he says slapping on the back "... you're very funny...but no-one can eat an entire sack of potatoes in one day."
The Chechen Republic...
Hattab causes Basayev and tell him:
- Listen, Shamil, I have given you the best our sniper Saida! He gets in a five-kopeck coin With five hundred steps! What have you ordered to him?
- As it is usual: you will see at "caffirs" (Non Moslem) a spark on positions - shoot on a spark!
- Aha. Esteem a report of caffirs: " For today's night federal forces have lost: six cigarettes "Belomor", three small lamps and a lighter "Zippo"...
One from the Gorby era:
two Russian men are waiting on a LONG line for vodka. After standing hours with no discernable movement, one of them says "That's it. I've had it. No Russian should have to wait this long for vodka." As he leaves the line and rushes away,his friend asks "So where are you going?". "I'm going to get my old gun and shoot that bastard Gorbachev" he says as he disappears around the corner. One hour later, the friend returns. "Well?" his friend asks. "Forget it, that line was even longer than this one."
Putin on-line. A new question incomes:
- Don't you bother, Vova, to answer anonymous questions?
Putin:
- My answer to the owner of IP-address NNN, hostname NNN, provider NNN, Ivanov Sergey who lives at NNN street, building NNN, apt NNN is "NO, I DON'T BOTHER".
8))))))
Conversation of two Russian:
- Do you like Putin?
- VERY MUCH!
- And did whom you voted?
- For Zyuganov, I always vote for him.
-???
- Because I'm the monarchist in the soul ...
An oldie but a goodie:
As Stalin lay dying on his deathbed, it was not known by very many Kremlin insiders that he called Nikita Khrushchev to his bedside, and said "Nikita, my friend, I know that you will eventually prevail over your rivals and lead Mother Russia after I am gone, and to help you, I have prepared two letters, sealed with wax, which I place in your hands now: if you should find yourself being accused and assailed by your adversaries, open the first letter. If you should ever believe your life to be in danger from secret assassins in the KGB, open the second letter."
And soon, Stalin expired and gave up the ghost.
True to Stalin's belief, Khrushchev indeed became the new Chairman of the Communist Party and Premier of the Soviet Union, and it wasn't long before Khrushchev was being made the bad guy for the financial bad news, famine, and every sort of economic problem, so he opened Stalin's first letter, it consisted of four words:
"Blame everything on me."
So Khrushchev proceeded to denounce Stalin, condemned what he called the "cult of the personality" and the resulting uproar took the focus off of Khrushchev, and the Soviet Union began shaking off it's fear of Stalin, to the advantage of Khrushchev.
Years later, after the Cuban missile adventure ended badly for the Soviets, and Kosygin and Brezhnev were planning on retiring Khrushchev in 1964, Nikita was fearful that he might end up being assassinated, and so he opened Stalin's second letter, it read:
"Nikita my old friend, prepare two letters."
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