Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Always liked the one that had Hillary being propositioned by a guy who asked her if she'd go to bed with him for a million bucks and she said sure.........then he asked if she'd go to bed with him for $10 and she got real irate and said "what do you think I am?"........to which he replied....."I already know what you are, all I'm trying to do is establish a price".
Frog Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan to take a holiday."
Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says. "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says,"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says............
"It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Why is that funny?
Cowboy: "Hey, that's a fine-lookin' dog you have there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at Indian).
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me well, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: shows look of disbelief
The cowboy continues...
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Can't complain."
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Indian).
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Does he treat you well?"
Horse: "Yes, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: shows total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep Lie!"
I was 'sitting down' at a restaurant bathroom... I was barely enthroned, when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
A duck walked into a store and asked "got any grapes?" The manager said no. The duck walked out. The next day the duck walks into the store again. He asked the manager if he had any grapes. After the manager said no the duck walked out. This continued for a few days until the manager had enough of it. To the duck he said "If you come in here and ask for grapes one more times I will nail your feet to the floor." The next day the duck walks in and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says no. The duck then asks "got any grapes?"
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn, and she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Ever since his late teens Jim had suffered from terrible headaches. Finally, in desperation after years of misery, he sought medical advice. Many tests later, the doctor sat down with Jim to deliver his diagnosis. The doctor said, "Jim, I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way medical science can relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice - "Cut 'em". When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Jim realized that he felt like a different person - he could make a new beginning and live a new life. Seeing a men's clothing store he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the tailor, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the old tailor replied. Jim tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As he admired himself in the mirror, the old tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The old tailor eyed Jim and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Again, Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the old tailor replied. Jim tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about new shoes?" Jim was on a roll now and said, "Sure." The tailor eyed his feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E." Jim was astonished. He laughed and said, "Don't tell me, I know, you've been in the business 60 years!" Jim tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, "How about some new underwear?" Jim thought for a second and said, "Sure." The old tailor stepped back, eyed Jim's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Jim laughed, "Ah-hah I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The old tailor shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
A gorilla escapes from the zoo and winds up in a tree in Mr. Johnson's backyard. Mr. Johnson calls the police to report it and an animal trainer from the zoo is quickly dispatched. The handler shows up in a truck and unloads a dog, a baseball bat, a bananna and a rifle. He meets Mr. Johnson in the backyard and says, "I will need your assistance." Mr. Johnson agrees and asks how he can be of assistance. The handler says, "I'm going to climb the tree and approach the gorilla with the bananna. When I get close enough, I'll whack him on the head with a baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, my specially trained dog here will rush over to him and chomp down on the gorilla's crotch, incapacitating him." Mr. Johnson is curious about the rifle and asks, "I don't see where I come in and besides, what's the rifle for?" The handler replies, "If for any reason, I fall out of the tree, for God's sake...shoot the dog!"
Did you hear about the new Chinese/German restaurant? The food's okay, but an hour later you're hungry for power.
Did you know that 70% of orential men have cataracts? The rest drive rincolns and chevrorets.....
Two cannibals are sitting in the jungle eating a clown.
One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The surgeon consoles him that a new, experimental procedure is available, whereby he could affix the trunk of a baby elephant to the stump.
"You should think about it. The elephant's trunk has three hundred and forty different muscle groups, and would be an obvious improvement in both size and control."
"Let's do it." The grieving man says.
Later, at home, he still hasn't told his wife. They're sitting at the breakfast table and the trunk lashes out from below the table, grabs a breakfast roll, and darts back below the table cloth. The man looks startled, and the wife says, "What was that?"
"Nothing." He says, searching for words that won't come.
As he meditates it happens again. His eyes pop wide open and his wife exclaims, "WHAT WAS THAT!"
The husband explains and his wife's disgust is mitigated when he describes the 340 muscle groups and improved size.
"Do it again." She says.
"I would, but I don't know if I can stand another breakfast roll up my a$$."
I've heard funnier.
Tough guy walks into a pub and elbows his way to the bar.
Orders a shot and a beer.
He pulls out his gun and puts a bullet in the wall, and the crowd falls to a dead silence...then looks to his left and says ..
Everybody on my left is a no good dirty $%^#)@!ing homo!
Looks to his right and says..
Everybody on my right is a no good dirty **&##^@@@9 A-hole!
In the bar mirror he sees a guy walking behind him, he turns and and says, hey jerkwad, where the heck are you going..
The guy says,, excuse me sir, but I'm on the wrong side.
A drunk puts a quarter in a parking meter.. turns the handle, jumps back and says Woooaaaa!!.... I just lost 80lbs!
He yells at the startled Doctor; "Doctor,Doctor you gotta help me. What's wrong with me.??
The Doctor looks at him and says
Well I can clearly see your nuts.
BUMP!!
And this one from the recent election.
An older man in a VFW hat walks up to the Marine on guard at the White House and asks "Can I get in to see President Kerry?"
The Marine, feeling sorry for the old guy, gently explains "Sir, John Kerry is not the President. George Bush is the President".
The next day the same thing happens again. The old man asks "Can I get in to see President Kerry?" The Marine, a little more aggravated says "Sir, John Kerry is not the President. George Bush is the President".
A third day the same thing happens. The old man asks "Can I get in to see President Kerry?" By now the Marine has had it. "Sir, I'm telling you now for the third time. John Kerry is not the President. George Bush is the President".
The old man smiles and says "Yes, I know. I just like hearing you say it."
"YES SIR! ANY TIME!" barks the Marine snapping off a smart saulte.
bump