The world's funniest joke was written by Spike Milligan

The Daily Telegraph (UK) ^ | June 9, 2006 | By Roger Highfield, Science Editor

[aculeus]

Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke.

Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.

Yesterday, at the Cheltenham Science Festival, Prof Wiseman said he has now discovered that it was almost certainly written by Milligan.

The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

"It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman. "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."

The material would have been written by Spike Milligan and the script reads:

Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.

Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?

Bentine: I think so.

Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?

Bentine: All right. Just a minute.

Sound of two gun shots.

Bentine: He's dead.

Prof Wiseman contacted Milligan's daughter, Sile, and she is as certain as she can be that he would have written the gag. She said she was "delighted that dad wrote the world's funniest joke".

Prof Wiseman said: "I think what is interesting here is that a joke from the 1950s still works, and how it has transformed over time from a cosy sitting room to hunters in New Jersey."

He added: "Spike Milligan was clearly into surreal humour. The sort of people who like his stuff will be people with a high tolerance for ambiguity because the sketches don't really have a sense of closure."

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[BluesDuke]

Duffy's Tavern and Fibber McGee and Molly are two favourites of mine, too. I think I already mentioned Easy Aces (I happen to have every available episode of this delight, all 307 of them---many were lost and others repose strictly in the Library of Congress, but 307 are circulating, and in sequence, mostly) and Vic and Sade, not to mention Fred Allen...

I also have an installment of Tallulah Bankhead's legendary variety show, The Big Show (NBC, 1950-52---and the head writer, by the way, was Easy Aces mastermind Goodman Ace), on which Bankhead and her guests (Fred Allen---who did the show so frequently he was practically the guest co-host---Jack Carson, Lauritz Melchoir, and Ed Wynn) were invited down to Duffy's (Ed Gardner was also a guest on that Big Show). On another edition of The Big Show, Allen and Bankhead re-created a routine with which they first brought down the house when doing it on Fred Allen's show in 1946---a deadly parody of the saccharine husband-and-wife breakfast-hour shows taking hold in the mid-1940s, a routine called "Mr. and Mrs. Breakfast."

[DonnerT]

Mark and bump.

[DonnerT]

Mark and bump.

[LibertarianInExile]

Let's see if I can do another one on the fly...

So years later, this one-man-radio-station gets wealthy enough to hire a new weekend DJ to work Friday-night-to-Sunday-night, until just before the weekly "House of Hair" radio show tapes take over. And for much to the confusion of the station owner/manager, the DJ always closes his final hour with a huge blast of a gong. Or a massive Big Ben rendition. Or a deafening Westminster ring. All are amped up far above the usual volume, as loud as the station can broadcast. Finally, the odd bellringing and the complaints get to the manager...so he calls the DJ asks "Why do you keep doing the bellringing at the close? Who is that for?"

The DJ replies

"Send not to know for whom the bell tolls--it tolls for Dee."

[hadit2here]

A local grocery store got a mis-shipment of ice cream, receiving all of the flavors except for chocolate. It was backordered.

A middle aged socialite walked into store and told the frozen foods clerk that she was having a small party and would he get her a gallon of chocolate ice cream. The clerk apologized and said that they were out of chocolate and wouldn't have any until the next week. The miffed socialite sniffed and said that it wouldn't be enough, but would he get her a half gallon of chocolate ice cream then. The clerk was puzzled, and apologetically explained that they didn't have any half gallons of chocolate and wouldn't have any chocolate at all until next week. The woman sniffed, looked down her nose at the clerk and told him in no uncertain terms that it really wouldn't do but he should get her a quart of chocolate ice cream. The clerk reiterated again that they had no chocolate ice cream- gallons, half gallons, quarts, whatever, there was no chocolate, whereupon the old bag said that it just wouldn't do at all but he should at least get her a pint of chocolate ice cream.

The exasperated clerk looked at the woman and said, "Lady, can you spell van as in vanilla?" The thoroughly PO'd old lady looked at him in puzzlement and said, "Why of course. V-A-N". The clerk then asked if she could spell straw as in strawberry? She gave him a very impatient look, but said, "Well, I just don't see what this has to do with anything, but yes, I can. S-T-R-A-W". The clerk looked at her and said, "Lady, can you spell f*ck as in chocolate"?

The woman looked at the clerk like he was a total idiot and exclaimed, "There no f*ck in 'chocolate'!!"

The clerk yelled at her, "Lady, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!"

[hadit2here]

A really wealthy Texan, one of the world's richest men, was very sick and dying of a disease that none of the greatest doctors he could find could diagnose or treat. Then he heard of an old retired New England doctor who would possibly know of a method to treat what the Texan had. So he immediately sent his private jet to pick up the doctor and bring him to his bedside. Once there the doctor, who was quite humble and self-effacing, discussed what treatments had been given and discussed with the Texan's doctors what had been done in detail. After all the examining and the discussing, the old doctor put the Texan on an unusual diet of specially prepared food and herbs, and a strict physical regimen of exercise and meditation.

After two months of this treatment, the Texan was up and around and feeling just great. He called the old doctor to his study and explained how all of the specialists and internists were just astounded at the progress he had made, let alone him no longer being on his death bed.

He said, "Doc, I'm a wealthy man and a grateful man. You name whatever you want in payment and I'll get it for you. Money is no object. Anything on earth you ask for, I'll get it for you." The doc thought a few minutes and said, "You know, I've always wanted a set of matched golf clubs."

The Texan told him he would have them for him and that his private jet was ready to fly him home and anything the doc ever needed, he should just call and the Texan would get it for him. So the doc flew home, went on with his quiet retired life and didn't hear from the Texan for several months. Finally, he got a phone call. The Texan said "Doc, I s'pose you'd about given up on hearing from me, hadn't ya?"

The doctor said, well he hadn't really given it much thought as he was enjoying his quiet life in retirement.

The Texan then said, "Well, you know that set of matched golf clubs that you wanted?" The doc said, yes he remembered the conversation about them but he really hadn't thought much about it.

The Texan said, "Well, doc, it took a little longer than I wanted, but those matched golf clubs you wanted? I got them for you except for two. They ain't got swimmin' pools."

[nicollo]

Q: What’s the difference between seducation and rape?
A: Salesmanship.

An Australian with steering wheel in his pants walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What’s with that?" "I know, I know," the Australian says, "It’s driving me nuts."

For our Cuban friends...
Q: What's the difference between a "choice" and "choose" in Miami?
A; "Choice" is a rational distinction between available options. "Choose" are things you put on your feet.

Another old one for our Cuban friends:
Jurassic Park was released in Miami in Spanish.
Title: "Tu Culo Esta Parqueado"

Q: How many feminists to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Try this one at the next party: get some ice cubes and hide them behind your back. Ask if anyone has ever seen a penguin take a leak. When they look at you funny, put your hands in front of your pants and start dropping the cubes one by one...

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler.... Yeah, I know, I woke up exhausted.

[Clink]

Please take a minute out of your busy day to reflect on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


Shut up. You know it's funny.

[decal]

I can only give the last half of the punchline here of The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard:

"...and I had ALL of them until this big-headed @#$%$%^&* came along!"

[going hot]

The indian wanted to be just like the other cowboys at the bunkhouse. He listened to them every weekend when they came back after a night out.

Came saturday night, and he had to emulate them.

He filled a bag with horsemanure, another bag he placed a cat into. Then he rode to town

Staight into the bar he pranced, and asked of the barkeep,"Whiskey!!"

He gulped the whiskey down, let out a loud "YAHOOOOO!, threw the bag of horsemanure into the air, shot it full of holes, then took the cat out, took a big bite out of it, then placed it back in the bag.

The barkeep looked on in amazement, while the indian asked for another.

The barkeep naturally expressed amazement and asked the indian what in the F**K he was doing

To which the indian replied,

"Me just like cowboys...

Me ride to town saturday night...

Me get drunk...

Me shoot the sh*t....

Me eat pussy!

[BlessedByLiberty]

ROTFLMAO!

Bravo!

[DannyTN]

"The world's funniest joke is yachting off of Martha's Vineyard as I type."

I thought that was the world's largest alcohol fume blimp.

[Watery Tart]

Beethoven,.Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties ...I'm sorry ... Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it the world never remembered the name of

Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker -thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser -kürstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -eine -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache -luber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker -kalbsfleisch -mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.

We start with an interview with his only surviving relative, Karl Gambolputty de von Ausfern....

[Watery Tart]

One of the few jokes I can remember -- a lot funnier if you use the authentic Arkansas double-wide accent at the appropriate times:

---

Bill Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm.

When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine guard sharply salutes him as usual.

Clinton: "I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full."

Marine: "Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs Sir!"

Clinton: "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!"

Marine: "Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!"

Clinton: "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea."

Marine: "Yes Sir! Good trade Sir!"

[Watery Tart]

I thought that was the world's largest alcohol fume blimp.

[Vinnie]

LOL.

Do you hire out for partys?

[Quiller]

B. Clinton walks along a beach, finds an old lamp in the sand. He rubs it, a genie appears, "Memsab, I am the genie of the lamp. For freeing me, I can grant you one wish of any magnitude."

Bill thinks for a minute, then turns to a nearby aide, who on command opens a briefcase and pulls out a map of the Middle East. Clinton says, "You know, it's almost at the end of my second term, and I sure would like a legacy. How about giving me the wisdom and power to bring peace to this part of the world?"

The genie ponders the Middle East map for a minute, then says, "But Memsab, peace has eluded that troubled land for centuries. Old rivalries have grown bitter, new ones are daily born. Any peace would be an illusion, as quickly shredded and dispersed as vapor in a wind. A lasting peace is not possible. My advice would be to ask for something else.

Bill is clearly disappointed, but he takes the genie's advice. He opens his wallet, and pulls out picures of Hillary and Chelsea, "Genie, I want you to make these women beautiful."

The genie looks at the pictures for a long time, then hands them back, "Okay, let me take another look at that map . . ."

[bigjoesaddle]

He was also part of the comedy troup The Goons with Peter Sellers

[BostonianRightist]

"A lot that this guy knows.The world's funniest joke is yachting off of Martha's Vineyard as I type."
I thought the funniest joke was the people who keep reelecting him.

There's nothing funny about dead people.