Not to be confused with this other killer joke.
Posted on 06/12/2006 9:27:43 AM PDT by aculeus
Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke.
Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.
Yesterday, at the Cheltenham Science Festival, Prof Wiseman said he has now discovered that it was almost certainly written by Milligan.
The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'
"It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman. "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."
The material would have been written by Spike Milligan and the script reads:
Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.
Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?
Bentine: I think so.
Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?
Bentine: All right. Just a minute.
Sound of two gun shots.
Bentine: He's dead.
Prof Wiseman contacted Milligan's daughter, Sile, and she is as certain as she can be that he would have written the gag. She said she was "delighted that dad wrote the world's funniest joke".
Prof Wiseman said: "I think what is interesting here is that a joke from the 1950s still works, and how it has transformed over time from a cosy sitting room to hunters in New Jersey."
He added: "Spike Milligan was clearly into surreal humour. The sort of people who like his stuff will be people with a high tolerance for ambiguity because the sketches don't really have a sense of closure."
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Not to be confused with this other killer joke.
Tim Conway on Carol Burnett.
Hillary asked Chelsea: "Did you have sex during your first year of college?"
Chelsea replied: "Not according to Dad!"
agreed. he was really funny.
Check out engrish.com
Tough guy walks into a pub and elbows his way to the bar.
Orders a shot and a beer.
He pulls out his gun and puts a bullet in the wall, and the crowd falls to a dead silence...then looks to his left and says ..
Everybody on my left is a no good dirty $%^#)@!ing homo!
Looks to his right and says..
Everybody on my right is a no good dirty **&##^@@@9 A-hole!
In the bar mirror he sees a guy walking behind him, he turns and and says, hey jerkwad, where the heck are you going..
The guy says,, excuse me sir, but I'm on the wrong side.
My favorite clean one:
Cop stops a car on the highway. Sees there are two penguins in the back seat.
Cop: Excuse me sir, but you must take those penguins to the zoo immediately.
Later, the same cop stops the same car with the same penguins. "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did. Now we're going to the beach."
"The cockpit? What is it?"
"It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilot sits, but that's not important right now...."
A drunk puts a quarter in a parking meter.. turns the handle, jumps back and says Woooaaaa!!.... I just lost 80lbs!
You're slow. I've been reading for the past half hour!
Then one of the oldsters says "412!" and the others laugh so hard they pee their pants... The kids ask why they're laughing so hard, and one of them says "We hadn't heard that one before!!".
He yells at the startled Doctor; "Doctor,Doctor you gotta help me. What's wrong with me.??
The Doctor looks at him and says
Well I can clearly see your nuts.
BUMP!!
A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.
She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their
tonsils out."
A rattlesnake bites the Lone Ranger in his crotch.
The Lone Ranger tells Tonto "ride back to town and ask the doctor what you should do".
Tonto rides back and asks the doctor. The doctor says "you need to suck out the venom from the snake bite".
Tonto rides back to the Lone Ranger and says "Sorry kemosabe, the doctor say you die."
Kinda' like sex with a Chinese prostitute - an hour later and you're horny again.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in
the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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