No oil? But I thought when the government had control -- there was enough for everybody.
Posted on 04/30/2006 5:03:58 PM PDT by Vision Thing
A man dies and goes to hell. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. "What's it like in there?" asks the visitor. "Well," the devil replies, "in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's terrible!" he gasps. "I'm going to check out communist hell!" He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx. "I'm still in the free world, Karl," he says, "and before I come in, I want to know what it's like in there."
"In communist hell," says Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But… but that's the same as capitalist hell!" protests the visitor, "Why such a long queue?"
"Well," sighs Marx, "Sometimes we're out of oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes no hot water…"
(Excerpt) Read more at prospect-magazine.co.uk ...
ROFL!
No oil? But I thought when the government had control -- there was enough for everybody.
LOL!
'It will be declared by radio and in the newspapers. If people have TVs, they'll be informed by TV.'
'And what is a queue?' the capitalist asked.
'And what is a sausage?' the communist asked.
'No. If it were a science, it would have been tested on dogs first.'
The short version: Ivan goes to the Ministry of Automobiles in Moscow to order a car. The clerk tells him his car will be delivered in ten years. Ivan asks if it will be a morning or afternoon delivery. The clerk asks incredulously, "What difference does it make? It's going to be ten years!" To which Ivan responds, "I need to know because the plumber is scheduled to be there in the morning."
'When God condemned Adam and Eve and exiled them from paradise,' said the lawyer, 'that was a legal act! So my profession is the oldest.'
'But please,' the surgeon said, 'before that God created Eve from Adam's rib. And that was a surgical operation! So my profession is older.'
'Forgive me,' said the builder, 'but a little bit earlier than that God created the world, he constructed it. So my profession is the oldest. Because as is known, there was only chaos before that.'
'And who created chaos?' the communist exclaimed triumphantly. 'Certainly, we communists!'
gad, I remember that one! roflmao!
Communist humor with a Cuban flavor:
The teacher asks Pepito, "What systems are incompatible with the Communist system of government?"
Pepito answers, "The digestive system and the nervous system."
Another teacher asks Pepito, "Tell me three benefits of the Communist revolution."
Pepito answers, "Nationalized health care, education, and defense."
"Great! Now tell me three challenges the country faces."
Answers Pepito, "Breakfast, lunch, and dinner."
Check out this interesting bit of info from the article:
. . . there was one western politician who took the jokes more seriously than anyone else: Ronald Reagan. He ordered the state department to collect the jokes and send them to him in weekly memos. As a result, Paul Goble, head of the Balkan desk in the 1980s, assembled a collection of 15,000 communist jokes.
Unfortunately, the joke that they included in this paragraph wasn't all that good, so I am holding off from including it in this post.
Good one!
Did you see this one mentioned in the article? It is told by Gorbachev himself:
You can't imagine Stalin or Khrushchev telling a joke about his own unpopularity, but Gorbachev did. In 1996 he appeared on the Clive Anderson show in Britain and told this one, whose lineage can be traced back through the 20th century: A man is queuing for food in Moscow. Finally he's had enough. He turns round to his friend and says "That's it. I'm going to kill that Gorbachev," and marches off. Two hours later he comes back. "Well," says the friend, "did you do it?" "No," replies the other, "there was an even longer queue over there."
Russian teacher: "How big is the Communist party,Ivan?"
Little Ivan: "Almost 6 ft tall."
Russian teacher: "Why do you say that?..How do you know?"
Little Ivan: "My father is 6 ft tall and every night when he comes home he says,'I've had it up to HERE with the Communist Party!'"
Good one! Long queues was a striking characteristic of Soviet Union. There was a time in Soviet Union when the government was running low on basic food supply and wanted to eliminate lines so they instituted quotas on sugar, flower, etc. A family would go to a governmental agency and receive a document stating that this family is allowed to purchase 1 pound of sugar a month. The lines were partially eliminated with hungry people staying at home rather than in a line for a chance to purchase food products.
What a dreadful failure communism was. I'm so thankful that I was born and raised in the USA.
The host asks a guest: "Will you have tea with sugar?", The guest replies: "Yes,", to which the host responds, "Ok, then wash the hands without the soap."
So much talent was wasted during Soviet times.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.