Posted on 03/18/2006 7:03:00 PM PST by goldstategop
The miracle of Purim owes much to a superficial, womanizing male who set about dating as many women as possible to find the one that was the most beautiful. Ahasuerus is like so many shallow men today who reduce women to nothing but a slim figure and a pretty face. But in the end, the story of Esther makes it clear that the secretly Jewish queen was chosen not for her looks, but because she "found grace and favor" in the eyes of all who beheld her. There was a womanly dignity, a sublime feminine majesty, to Esther that the rest of the harem lacked. They were empty suits, packaging only, without substance or personality. They were the kind of women who attract attention with low-cut blouses rather than high intelligence, short skirts rather than a lofty spirit. But Esther is a woman possessed both of outer and inner beauty, a heroine who exhibits uncommon wisdom, courage and dedication to the helpless. In short, she is a woman of outstanding character and her story is that of the triumph not only of the Jews over their enemies, but also of a woman's ability to win over a man with her brains rather than her bust.
How tragic, therefore, that Jewish men today have adopted the dating mores of Ahasuerus. And I'm not just talking about secular Jewish men whom we might expect to have adopted less lofty criteria in their choice of a mate. Rather, I am speaking especially of Orthodox Jewish men who have become so obsessed with the three modern virtues of a real woman - large chest, long legs, slim figure - that heart, mind, even the sparkle of her eyes, count for almost nothing.
I once served as matchmaker-in-chief for JDate. But I now find matchmaking nauseating thanks to the dispiriting superficiality of today's Jewish men. I now know that the countless men who tell me how desperate they are to find a really nice girl are lying through their teeth because what they really mean is a woman who looks like a model. At my weekly Sabbath table, where I host many singles, I watch as the men immediately dismiss even the most interesting women with the warmest hearts if they lack a bombshell body.
If she's short, she's out, and if she's overweight, well, that's the kiss of death. I'll set up men with women who I know to be attractive and charming, only to have the guy call me back the next day and complain of a lack of chemistry, by which he always means, "She wasn't pretty enough." The poor woman never had a chance. Before she opened her mouth, her body did her in.
BUT WHY would we expect anything different? Superficial people seek superficial qualities, and men today are about as deep as a crack in the sidewalk. They have been given one criterion for success, money, and they use that money as a commodity to purchase a woman's chief commodity, her physical beauty. Today's religious men are trained to appreciate little else.
I know a 20-year-old Jewish girl who developed a dangerous eating disorder because her very religious parents told her that unless she lost weight the type of yeshiva student they wanted her to marry would not take her out.
But weren't Jewish men, especially Orthodox ones, supposed to be different? The nation that gave the world's Solomon's Ode to a Woman of Valor, where a woman's God-fearing qualities are what make her beautiful, have betrayed that ideal utterly. If you are a woman in the Jewish singles scene who isn't stunningly attractive, you're going to wait a long time to get married. And once you're married, you better keep your looks up, because the women who are going to be praying with you in the ladies' section spend five hours in the gym for every hour they spend in the synagogue. They're not fools. They know that their husbands are trained to appreciate muscle tone rather than piety. And don't have more than two children, even though we need as many Jewish babies as possible, because kids will make your figure go to hell and your breasts droop almost as far.
NEVER believed that I would witness a time when even marriage-minded, Orthodox men would become womanizers, giving themselves the latitude to date as many women as possible so that they can find "the best." In yeshiva I was taught one did not date a woman the way one shopped for a car. Rather, you focused on one woman completely and tried to develop a soulful connection with her without worrying about what else might be out there.
Recently, I had a young rabbinical student of marriageable age at my home. He told me he had already dated 40 girls and had not found what he was looking for. I was stunned. "Forty nice, religious girls, and not one of them was good enough for you?"
But anyone familiar with the increasingly toxic shidduch system among the ultra-Orthodox knows that what many young men are looking for is anathema to Jewish values, namely, looks, money and pedigree. Find all three and you have hit the jackpot. Find only one, or even two, and you have "to settle."
Now, no doubt, in the secular world marrying money and marrying into an important family are also important. But when religious Jews marry for materialistic and ego-driven values, they degrade a glorious spiritual tradition.
It is high time that rabbis started giving sermons from the pulpit exhorting single men in the congregation to be gentlemen and reward women for developing the traits that Judaism truly values like compassion, wisdom and goodness. While physical attraction is always important in marriage - both for men and for women - Jewish leaders must begin inspiring future husbands to judge their wives' attractiveness by considerations beyond flesh alone. For if we fail, we'll continue seeing Jewish women feeling permanently insecure about their "imperfect bodies" rather than taking pride in their generous spirits.
I at least put a litte smiley face on my comment...
...and I think you'd agree that a gentle jibe over spelling, done in good taste, is preferable to just being interested in ..."other things".
BTW, you might like reading a contemporary translation of The Wife of Bath's Tale from Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales...
Cheers!
Too bad, I thought it was funny.
Cheers and nighty night. Sweet dreams. :-)
Quality, always find quality.
Lunch invite always open. Will send e-mails Monday prior to get a table count. Feel free to bring guest.
The guys who get rejected after this routine aren't being rejected because they are perceived as 'real men,' though that may be a comforting thought. They come across as weak or needy men.
I don't see this as a "routine." If you really do love someone, you want them to be happy. You want to be around them.
What I see as the "routine" is the "treat them like dirt" deal so that they think you are a strong, masculine person.
I think my point is well made though by the emphasis that you put on the alleged weak stuff. That is how it comes across to a woman, pretty much period. They want a cave man.
parsy, who refuses to pretend to be mean just to get some loving.
If you do love someone, of course you want them to be happy. And there is no reason to treat a woman like dirt, either, in order to be masculine.
A woman most likely than not can't be sexually excited by a man who she percieves as weak or needy. If a man presents himself as weak or needy
There is simply no need to be a caveman or a jerk. There is a whole range of conduct between being needy and being jerky. The best place for a man to be is between those poles, and that's where most women want a man to be, also.
Refusing to act like a jerk is fine, but if a man conducts himself in a way that a woman will percived (rightly or wrongly) as weak or needy, she will rightly reject him. Most women will reject him. That's a good thing.
The dirty truth is that most women don't reject men on shallow reasons, but on substantive ones.
A woman most likely than not can't be sexually excited by a man who she percieves as weak or needy. If a man presents himself as weak or needy.
Very true. That's what I'm geting at. And being nice, caring, and thoughtful comes across as being weak. Being a jerk or a caveman comes across as masculine and strong.
IMHO, real strength doesn't have to dress itself up and play pretend games. So, if I love someone, I'm going to tell them. If I love someone, I'm going to look after them to the best of my ability within the boundaries of the relationship. I ain't going to treat them like a piece of crap, even if that's what it takes to turn most of them on.
parsy, who has the strength to be himself.
Good. My point is that it's not a choice between being a weak/needy guy and a crude/caveman.
The best place is between those two choices. If you limit the choice to between those two, it really is counterproductive.
Another thing on this issue, while what you say is fine, if women don't respond to it in significant numbers, it's not a winning approach. Selling what women aren't buying isn't going to get a man anywhere worth going.
A big part of the problem is that many self described 'nice guys' aren't all that nice. They are quiet controllers, manipulators, and even worse. Women aren't dummies - they recognize that from their own past histories and just don't trust it. Many women quickly come to the conclusion that nobody worth knowing could possibly be genuinely all that nice.
That's not a mandate to be mean, though. But just talk to some women about the nice, sweet guys in their lives: they like having them around but they don't see them as sexual beings. A man who strips himself of his sexual instinct in an effort to be nice will not be rewarded for that beavior by a sexual response. It makes no sense at all for a man to expect it to, yet many many men continue on that strategy.
But just talk to some women about the nice, sweet guys in their lives: they like having them around but they don't see them as sexual beings. A man who strips himself of his sexual instinct in an effort to be nice will not be rewarded for that beavior by a sexual response. It makes no sense at all for a man to expect it to, yet many many men continue on that strategy.
You're the Tom Cruise character in Magnolia, right?
No, but if that's what he says, he is 100% right.
Similar, but a bit over the top. Probably the best performance Cruise ever turned in. If you haven't seen the movie, I suggest you do so. Though be warned, there is profanity.
I'm fairly clean mouthed but not a prude. I'll be sure and check it out! Thanks for the word! :-)
Check out the cast:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0175880/fullcredits
You're right, by the way. Never try to con a woman. It'll only turn out badly.
Looks interesting - heck of a cast. Thanks! :-)
Thanks. I look forward to that.
They do, especially the ones of her playing BB for the Aggies. Her name is Dnika Romero.
Yup. Men are scum because women "have to buy the latest fashion..."
Bullcrap.
Great looks shouldn't be a necessary factor, but anyone can at least try to stay fit, and I think it's totally reasonable for guys (at least fit guys) to make this an important criterion.
Good observation. Happens on FR, too. ;)
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