Posted on 03/18/2006 7:03:00 PM PST by goldstategop
The miracle of Purim owes much to a superficial, womanizing male who set about dating as many women as possible to find the one that was the most beautiful. Ahasuerus is like so many shallow men today who reduce women to nothing but a slim figure and a pretty face. But in the end, the story of Esther makes it clear that the secretly Jewish queen was chosen not for her looks, but because she "found grace and favor" in the eyes of all who beheld her. There was a womanly dignity, a sublime feminine majesty, to Esther that the rest of the harem lacked. They were empty suits, packaging only, without substance or personality. They were the kind of women who attract attention with low-cut blouses rather than high intelligence, short skirts rather than a lofty spirit. But Esther is a woman possessed both of outer and inner beauty, a heroine who exhibits uncommon wisdom, courage and dedication to the helpless. In short, she is a woman of outstanding character and her story is that of the triumph not only of the Jews over their enemies, but also of a woman's ability to win over a man with her brains rather than her bust.
How tragic, therefore, that Jewish men today have adopted the dating mores of Ahasuerus. And I'm not just talking about secular Jewish men whom we might expect to have adopted less lofty criteria in their choice of a mate. Rather, I am speaking especially of Orthodox Jewish men who have become so obsessed with the three modern virtues of a real woman - large chest, long legs, slim figure - that heart, mind, even the sparkle of her eyes, count for almost nothing.
I once served as matchmaker-in-chief for JDate. But I now find matchmaking nauseating thanks to the dispiriting superficiality of today's Jewish men. I now know that the countless men who tell me how desperate they are to find a really nice girl are lying through their teeth because what they really mean is a woman who looks like a model. At my weekly Sabbath table, where I host many singles, I watch as the men immediately dismiss even the most interesting women with the warmest hearts if they lack a bombshell body.
If she's short, she's out, and if she's overweight, well, that's the kiss of death. I'll set up men with women who I know to be attractive and charming, only to have the guy call me back the next day and complain of a lack of chemistry, by which he always means, "She wasn't pretty enough." The poor woman never had a chance. Before she opened her mouth, her body did her in.
BUT WHY would we expect anything different? Superficial people seek superficial qualities, and men today are about as deep as a crack in the sidewalk. They have been given one criterion for success, money, and they use that money as a commodity to purchase a woman's chief commodity, her physical beauty. Today's religious men are trained to appreciate little else.
I know a 20-year-old Jewish girl who developed a dangerous eating disorder because her very religious parents told her that unless she lost weight the type of yeshiva student they wanted her to marry would not take her out.
But weren't Jewish men, especially Orthodox ones, supposed to be different? The nation that gave the world's Solomon's Ode to a Woman of Valor, where a woman's God-fearing qualities are what make her beautiful, have betrayed that ideal utterly. If you are a woman in the Jewish singles scene who isn't stunningly attractive, you're going to wait a long time to get married. And once you're married, you better keep your looks up, because the women who are going to be praying with you in the ladies' section spend five hours in the gym for every hour they spend in the synagogue. They're not fools. They know that their husbands are trained to appreciate muscle tone rather than piety. And don't have more than two children, even though we need as many Jewish babies as possible, because kids will make your figure go to hell and your breasts droop almost as far.
NEVER believed that I would witness a time when even marriage-minded, Orthodox men would become womanizers, giving themselves the latitude to date as many women as possible so that they can find "the best." In yeshiva I was taught one did not date a woman the way one shopped for a car. Rather, you focused on one woman completely and tried to develop a soulful connection with her without worrying about what else might be out there.
Recently, I had a young rabbinical student of marriageable age at my home. He told me he had already dated 40 girls and had not found what he was looking for. I was stunned. "Forty nice, religious girls, and not one of them was good enough for you?"
But anyone familiar with the increasingly toxic shidduch system among the ultra-Orthodox knows that what many young men are looking for is anathema to Jewish values, namely, looks, money and pedigree. Find all three and you have hit the jackpot. Find only one, or even two, and you have "to settle."
Now, no doubt, in the secular world marrying money and marrying into an important family are also important. But when religious Jews marry for materialistic and ego-driven values, they degrade a glorious spiritual tradition.
It is high time that rabbis started giving sermons from the pulpit exhorting single men in the congregation to be gentlemen and reward women for developing the traits that Judaism truly values like compassion, wisdom and goodness. While physical attraction is always important in marriage - both for men and for women - Jewish leaders must begin inspiring future husbands to judge their wives' attractiveness by considerations beyond flesh alone. For if we fail, we'll continue seeing Jewish women feeling permanently insecure about their "imperfect bodies" rather than taking pride in their generous spirits.
You did good, and you were right.
Hey I know I am ugly, so why argue. There are always going to people (men and women) who go by looks alone.
Thankfully there are others who care about what is inside a person and who a person is.
I'm scarred for life...I can't hear the name Hedy Lamarr without thinking, "That's Hedley!!!"
I read your post. Quite insightful.
Well, I don't blame you. You wouldn't want to learn something, would you? Put that book down before you hurt yourself!!! :-)
Thanks for the belly laugh of the week, Double D!!!
You're right, but for the wrong reasons. Those things can drive off a good woman if they are done too quickly or incongruently. None of the traits you list necessarily denote a 'real man.'
The guys who get rejected after this routine aren't being rejected because they are perceived as 'real men,' though that may be a comforting thought. They come across as weak or needy men. A real woman doesn't want a needy man. They are being rejected on legitimate grounds for character defects, not character strengths.
It's ok to do all those things congruently with a mature relationship. If those traits are done out of weakness, for the need for her approval or favor, or general neediness, women spot that and ditch the guy. If they are done from a position of strength, affection, and masculinity, those things are fine and will be appreciated.
Most self described 'nice guys' aren't all that nice, and most women recognize this.
Anybody who selects mates on shallow grounds alone gets what they deserve. It's a problem that gets addressed naturally, and that's a good thing.
You can't please all of the people, so don't fret!!
Scott Steiner, huh? I did not watch this week. I guess I missed a lot.
"future husbands to judge their wives' attractiveness by considerations beyond flesh alone"
Sing with me now
If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never marry a pretty wife...
Ugly is in now.
Agreed. Not everyone judges someone on appearance alone. THANKFULLY!
From the article:
But Esther is a woman possessed both of outer and inner beauty, a heroine who exhibits uncommon wisdom, courage and dedication to the helpless. In short, she is a woman of outstanding character and her story is that of the triumph not only of the Jews over their enemies, but also of a woman's ability to win over a man with her brains rather than her bust.
So the good rabbi holds up exactly what I want as his example, the total package. I'm just looking for what the rabbi told me! :^)
Miss you!
Miss you too. What you guy's doing this weekend. Call me tonight (after 9:00)
Depends how you define "heap". Today it's more exactly called "the fertile uterine bulge"
A woman is not supposed to have a flat stomach (and God forbid she have six pack abs - how gross) It should have a gentle curve to it. Not fat, but not bony either.
My first post in months. I've always been extremely particular about girls in terms of appearance, poise and sensuality and as a consequence I typically end up with the vainglorious variety so common here and throughout the greater LA area.
I'd like to join the Friday group at Gulliver's if the invite remains good.
"We guys prefer: full bosom"
Because little girls don't have curves, long legs and full bosoms, so it is a defense against pedophilia?
"That sense of entitlement is also very widespread among American women"
I think the popularity of "The Rules" books has something to do with it. Before, it was expected that equal rights meant women equally shouldered responsibility in relationships. Now, young women are going back to the old ways of making the guy do all the pursuing, pay for everything, go through all the hoops to court her because she's a "creature unlike any other."
The only "think", huh?
Well, some of use enjoy nitpicking over other folks' spelling, too :-)
Cheers!
Funny, I never do that. It's always fun picking on a typo rather then addressing the issue, but since you're here, let me share with you an email I got the other day so we can both laugh, it's called - Men are like...
1.Men are like... Laxatives... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like... Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3.Men are like... Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4.Men are like... Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5.Men are like... Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right to your hips.
6.Men are like... Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7.Men are like... Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8.Men are like... Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9.Men are like... Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10.Men are like... Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11.Men are like... Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming.
12.Men are like... Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13.Men are like... Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.