Posted on 09/28/2005 9:11:34 AM PDT by pabianice
Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.
So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:
Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure
Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!
Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.
Examples:
Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification – won numerous awards in Europe
Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen
"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense
“War of the Worlds” (2005) – This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (“Soilent Red is People!”); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior
"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!
Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds
"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots
Special Category – What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: “A Few Good Men” – Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: “I’m a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch!” Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessup’s level
LOL
Oh man,
I sooo agree.
The dialogue in all three movies was appalling! Especially the 'romance' between the Princess and Whatshisface. So 'all the hell he went through' to become Darth...was just, well...silly. Because the movies were silly.
I swear it was written by an 11 year old.
MST3K is no longer in production, but check out some of the bad-movie snark review sites (jabootu.com, agonybooth.com).
I don't know what it is about these sissy boys being considered "sexy" in our country. I mean, come on...Jude Law sexy?
Yea, like Leo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, fruitcake boy sexy. Sorry, but these guys aren't sexy. And they shouldn't be "leading men." Just my humble womanly opinion. Guys should be guys. Period.
It had some really good parts, but over all, it was excruciating slow and unnecessarily long. I was really looking forward to it but I was disappointed as heck.
I love Nightmare before Christmas, it's on my annual holiday watching list. Couldn't stand more than 5 minutes of Forrest Gump.
Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure :
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (years ago, I cheered for Frampton to jump off the building at the end)
Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!
The Last Samurai
Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock
Natural Born Killers
I loved "Forrest Gump".
I do have a soft spot as well for Tom Hanks, but I REALLY think Gary Sinise is a talented actor. I loved his character, "Lt. Dan".
A sweet movie.
But that's what Independence Day was supposed to be: a comic book on film.
Worst movie of all time:
"The Trial of Billy Jack."
This stinker set a new standard for crappy production, lousy cinematography, stilted acting, cardboard cutout characters, absurd dialogue, and self-congratulatory preachiness wrapped in a package of obsessively self-absorbed manufactured emotion and futile attempts at pensive manipulation.
Anyone who disagrees that that is the worst movie ever, is just wrong.
I saw this when a friend won a couple of free passes to a sneak preview. I was overcharged, and want my two hours back.
Salvador was a good movie. Well, I liked it anyway, possibly because James Woods is the best 'weasel' actor there is and that was one of his best performances.
Here are mine (I'm sure some will disagree). My movie pain threshold is pretty high:
Class 1:
"The English Patient"-some parts were good, great cinematography, but mostly horrible characters I could care less about. Juliet Binoche is a notable exception.
"Casino"-Tired retread of the mafia theme. Actually fell asleep during this one. Know lots of people who love it.
Class 2:
"Finding Nemo" - political PETA garbage way over the top
"Spawn" - my younger cousin dragged me to this stinker
"Action Jackson" - thanks to my buddies in high school
"Showgirls" - went cause I heard it was racy. Ugh.
"Battlefield Earth" - good grief, this stank from the get-go
Class 3:
"Nadja" - rented this Vampire movie and actually stopped it. Very rare that I don't watch a movie through to the end no matter the pain (see Class 2 examples). This is the only one I can think of that I actually shut off and/or walked out.
I'll bet you like Russell Crowe in "Master and Commander"...:)
Or, perhaps, Good old John Wayne!
FACE/OFF!
We need MST3K . . . now more than ever . . .
Forrest Gump was mass market crap.
I love how they took it on in "Cecil B. Demented", that and Patch Adams. Funny movie about cinema terrorists.
All right! Bad movie time! My pick for worst movie ever:
THE DARK BACKWARDS
Staring: Lara Flynn Boyle, Judd Nelson, Rob Lowe, and Wayne Newton. (Yes, THE Wayne Newton) I Don't think it even made it to the theaters. Considering it is about a bad stand-up comic who grows a third arm from the middle of his back and has a necrophiliac gabageman scene,no one booked it. It does show up on cable fairly often, rated hard "R", and I believe large quanities of booze are required to watch it. What were these actors thinking?
I do have to agree. There were some good parts.
Like the scenes where Jackson befriends that little girl that lived on the plantation and later finds out that she died of scarlet fever.
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