Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
(3) Damn Good Reasons NOT to Reproduce:
1) Other People's Kids (You can't escape them!)
2) Rebellion (Life's way too short for this adorable stage!)
3) Expense (They're an incredible cash drain!)
* Before you give me that "one less liberal" crap, I'm a die-hard Conservative!!!
God's commands based in natural law (like the Ten Commandments) are eternal and eternally binding. Pastoral commands were provisional, as pastoral commands are provisional today.
But we know they do not all apply, because of Jesus Christ.
"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven." " (Matthew 5:17-20)
Do you honestly believe people who do not want children should have them?
If they do not want children, they should not get married. The primary purpose of marriage is the begetting and raising of children. For Christians, the primary purpose of marriage is the begetting of children, their raising, and their preparation for heaven.
People who get married should accept the fruit of intercourse. No Christian denomination accepted artificial means of birth control until 1930, when the Lambeth Conference accepted it for hardship cases.
Additionally, consider that most couples that have "accidents" are most often pleasantly surprised. Certainly, there are some parents who may never want their children, but the suffering that these children endure can be used by God for His purposes.
Because that would be a horrible thing--to have children only because other people think you should.
See above. People who get married should accept the resulting children. Artificial contraception is the reproductive equivalent of binging and purging.
When you really think about it, it would actually be immoral: wrong to do to the child, wrong to do to oneself, wrong to do to anyone else it might affect, and thus wrong to do in God's sight.
Why immoral? Again, let's assume that the parents do not want their children even after birth. The children will certainly suffer as a result. But God can use this suffering for His ends, to bring a greater good.
Using an evil means (artificial contraception) to justify a questionable good (children not being born to parents who don't want them) is immoral.
There are many purposes for marriage. Procreation is indeed one of them. But I don't believe it's a mandate.
There are three natural purposes of marriage that we can discern using reason alone: procreation, the mutual care of the spouses, and the channeling of the sex drive.
If procreation is removed from the definition of marriage, the remaining purposes are mutual care and the channeling of the sex drive, ends that can be realized by other means. This definition strips marriage of its unique and essential feature. Consider that this definition can be applied equally to homosexuals.
I understand conservative Catholics may feel differently, and that's fine.
My argument is a natural law argument, so it applies not only to Catholics, but to all Christians, and even all people.
The sacramental nature of marriage is unique to Christianity.
I thought that I'd love having kids, but I had no idea how intense it would be. As soon as my first daughter was born, I felt like my heart had gone out and stuck to my daughter. It's hard to explain. I thought, "Wow, I can't believe how much I love her!" Then I thought, "Dear God, what if something ever happened to her? I couldn't live!" That's something that I'm continually working on. It gives me a greater understanding of Abraham's willingness to sacrifice Isaac, and the Father's willingness to sacrifice His only Son.
Rule #6: Ann Landers is an idiot.
Ever seen "Scrooge"?
Yeah. Why do you ask?
There is a measurable correlation with lifetime income.
high school graduates can expect, on average, to earn $1.2 million; those with a bachelor's degree, $2.1 million; and people with a master's degree, $2.5 million.But as Thomas Sowell says, you'll also find a correlation between children who have logged a lot of airplane miles and lifetime income. This doesn't mean that we should fly children around in planes all day.
Furthermore, single motherhood is by far the factor most correlated with poverty. (This fact ties in with this discussion, but you have to connect a lot of dots).
But all of this is irrelevant to the purpose of bringing children into this world: preparing them for heaven. Earth is a factory for populating heaven, not a race to see who finishes with the most toys.
Not really relevant to this discussion. I'm much more concerned with what happens to children in this world. The hereafter, if it exists, is above my pay-grade.
What do you think God thinks of binging and purging? Why?
Now apply this line of reasoning to artificial birth control and see what you come up with.
If you're a Bible-believer, consider that the first command issued by God to his creatures is to "be fruitful and multiply."
Genesis 1:27-28So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it."
I've noticed that life-changing events like the birth of children changes people. They then become a family unit and often maintain only superficial contact with once close friends. It's normal.
How would marriage defined primarily as companionship be differentiable from friendship?
I agree.
Yup. And getting pregnant isn't as easy as it looks, especially as a woman gets older.
Pray for her.
"My mother, who was quite religious, often said that our main reason for being on earth was perpetuation of the species. I personally don't argue with that. "
I think our reason for being on earth is to do God's will. And his main goal on earth is to bring people to himself. Jesus commanded us to go and make disciples of all people.
If having children is so important to God, how come Jesus never said anything about it? He did tell us to love our neighbor as ourselves. I think that's what is important to him.
"How would marriage defined primarily as companionship be differentiable from friendship?"
Well, isn't your marriage different from a friendship?
It seems some people think that the only reason for sex is to procreate. This is likely the belief of most Catholics, from what I understand. The Song of Solomon talks about a physical relationship between a man and a woman (as well as between Christ and the Church), and it's obvious that sex is a very enjoyable activity, created and blessed by God.
I know. I was just making a lame attempt at being a grammer cop. I had to post something and if I hadn't taken the grammer to task, I may have lost control on some of the posters on this thread. I can't begin to comprehend some of the comments that are being posted by "conservatives".
So couples who have infertility issues don't have a "valid, natural marriage" either?!
It is not really subject to argument. That is, the feminists and those who disparage motherhood, either directly or by implication that some of the transient activities of the moment are equally important, have no creditable argument to make. Obviously, anyone who can see beyond next week, or a month or two longer, knows that motherhood is the role for which woman was designed; the role for which she is most qualified. Anyone who can see beyond the year after next, knows also, that motherhood is the one absolutely essential role that woman can play in her family and in her community.
You can find a substitute for any of those career pursuits. The family and society go on. You can let women vote or not vote; drive or not drive; be lawyers and doctors, or stay in their kitchens and bedrooms; and the consequences effect only those immediately involved. A mere century hence, only the students of history will even remember whether women three + generations earlier voted or not, drove or not, were allowed in the professions or not. But there is no next century for any family, community, race or nation, without motherhood.
That is my perspective on the subject. I realize that people who have made sad choices will need to rationalize their importance. But rationalizations are not reality; nor are they a substitute for real analysis.
William Flax Return Of The Gods Web Site
I heard a woman describe her terrible childhood. Her father walked out on the family very early in her childhood and was never heard from again. The woman vividly remembers her mother crying every day. They were poor and life was difficult.
By the grace of God, the woman became a sister. That woman is Mother Angelica. Her mother eventually became a sister and joined Mother Angelica in her convent. Mother Angelica affectionately recalls her mother addressing her as "Mother."
We shouldn't sell God short. Good can come out of suffering. Just look at the Cross.
I think there is something about going forth, being fruitful and multiplying. But clearly doing those things is unhelpful and harmful if not done virtuously and honorably. Not to mention that there wouldn't be anyone to do God's will without some of them doing some multiplying.
But I am not faulting those who don't have children or even disagreeing with you, merely wanted to say what it meant to me personally.
Yes, different folks take different journeys, one can be as worthwhile as another.
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