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Married, without children: Finding fulfillment with no kids
Rocky Mountain News ^ | 1/3/05 | Mark Wolf

Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1

Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.

The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.

The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.

"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.

The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.

"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."

Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.

"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.

"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."

She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.

Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.

"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.

"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."

The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.

The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.

The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.

"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.

"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."

The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.

"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.

Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.

"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."

Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.

"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."

Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.

"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."

Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.

"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."

Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.

The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.

"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.

Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.

Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.

"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."

In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.

"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'

"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."

Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.

"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.

There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.

"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Extended News
KEYWORDS: abortion; breedyoumustbreed; childfree; childlessbychoice; childlessmarriage; culturewar; darwinaward; darwinnominee; deathofthewest; genx; ifeellonely; ifeelunloved; isthatallthereis; lookatme; myownprivatearmy; noscreamingkids; rccdoesntruntheusa; selfishadults; selfishnessatroot; swingers; whatsthepoint
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To: Nataku X
I just plain don't like kids

Can we start a club?

221 posted on 01/03/2005 9:51:27 AM PST by bigeasy_70118
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To: Bella_Bru
Having children that you cannot afford is a sign of immaturity. Having children even though you despise screaming, snotty brats is a sign of immaturity.

Well, you can throw all kinds of caveates out there for having kids too.

Parenthood is more than being horny, which for most of the world is about all the thought that is given to it.

But the people I see in this article are not trailer park welfare queens. They are professional, productive people who may have in some instances made intelligent decisions.

But their decision not to have kids simply can not functionally be the model for as much of the population as it is being promoted for.

The normal state of couples is parenthood, and the reasons for not being parents have nothing to do with global warming or not having enough time for yourself. Those are stupid, selfish reasons and if that is all they can come up with they need to grow up.

Chances are if you can tolerate a spouse and a house, you can tolerate parenthood.

222 posted on 01/03/2005 9:52:06 AM PST by hopespringseternal
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To: qam1

Adoption...I imagine as wars and natural disasters increase there are and will be many young children in need of decent homes...and loving parents....


223 posted on 01/03/2005 9:52:16 AM PST by joesnuffy (Moderate Islam Is For Dilettantes)
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To: TommyDale

My father always said that Grandchildren were your reward for not killing your own.


224 posted on 01/03/2005 9:52:40 AM PST by frgoff
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To: MikeWUSAF

People who wait to have children until they can afford it and can provide properly for them seldom have children.


225 posted on 01/03/2005 9:52:41 AM PST by ThanhPhero ( Nguoi hanh huong den La Vang)
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To: Raycpa
Hi Ray-

"...Childless folks went for Kerry, while parents went for Bush..."


That is an aburd, broad-brush assessment. So, for whom did the gun-owning, pro-military, fiscally-conservative, anti-terrorist, YET childless people vote?

~ Blue Jays ~

226 posted on 01/03/2005 9:52:49 AM PST by Blue Jays (Rock Hard, Ride Free)
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To: Overtaxed

Understood.... it ain't easy, even with big families. Some who are alone thrive more in the more social environment of retirement and assisted living places, where there are people around. It isn't one-size fits all.


227 posted on 01/03/2005 9:53:01 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: hopespringseternal

It's not immature though to not want children. Not everyone has the desire to raise kids. Why is that so tough for you to understand?


228 posted on 01/03/2005 9:53:33 AM PST by Bella_Bru (You're about as funny as a case sensitive search engine.)
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To: Durus
Maybe for "the good of society" they should be forced to have children then.

I did not say that. I will say that a society that gives equal "status" (recognition - searching for the word) to non precreators as to mothers and fathers is exhibiting a tendency toward self destruction.

229 posted on 01/03/2005 9:54:26 AM PST by don-o (Stop Freeploading. Do the right thing and become a Monthly Donor.)
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To: Bella_Bru
And as far as treating dogs like kids, plenty of families with kids do treat the dogs like other kids as well.

And, unfortunately, plenty of parents treat their kids like dogs.

My sister-in-law, for example, who, in a just world, would have her tubes tied, by force if necessary.

230 posted on 01/03/2005 9:54:30 AM PST by Modernman (What is moral is what you feel good after. - Ernest Hemingway)
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To: bigeasy_70118

A child is being Fedex'ed to you immediately. Complete instruction manual included.


231 posted on 01/03/2005 9:54:37 AM PST by durasell (Friends are so alarming, My lover's never charming...)
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To: Bella_Bru

Actually, I made no judgments in any of my posts about others' choices, other than a joking reference to those who treat their dogs as their children.

I've mainly stated my viewpoint, which is that my children are my life, my most important accomplishment, and my legacy.

I wouldn't trade 'em for anything.


232 posted on 01/03/2005 9:54:38 AM PST by EternalVigilance (Shaking nine point oh - With a deadly wave goodbye - oh four departed...)
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To: ThanhPhero
People who wait to have children until they can afford it and can provide properly for them seldom have children.

Well, if they decide to have kids when they know they cannot afford them, then they had better not come looking to my wallet to pay for them.

233 posted on 01/03/2005 9:54:53 AM PST by Bella_Bru (You're about as funny as a case sensitive search engine.)
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To: Hemingway's Ghost

Yeah, the homosexual conspiracy theorists are not raising the level of dialogue on FR. Unfortunately, there's enough of them to appear at least once on every thread.


234 posted on 01/03/2005 9:55:16 AM PST by A Ruckus of Dogs
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To: HairOfTheDog

If she didn't have medical issues, we could have done it. But at least we didn't dump and forget her.


235 posted on 01/03/2005 9:55:44 AM PST by Overtaxed
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To: qam1

I have no problem with people who want to be childless. Honestly, there are some people who should just not have children. I only get mad at people who assume that all children are little monsters. In one restaurant years ago a lady saw my 8 month old son at our table and loudly complained about "not another baby". Except for a few giggles from him that had other customers smiling he was very well behaved.


236 posted on 01/03/2005 9:56:04 AM PST by HungarianGypsy
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To: Slyfox
It is just sad when people are old and have no one to watch after them.

That can happen even when folks have children. My husband worked with and developed a friendship with a gentleman twenty years ago. He had two children. After his wife died, the man lived alone and soon could no longer care for himself. My husband cooked every meal he ate, cleaned his house, bought his groceries, literally, did everything for the man.

Eventually, hubby realized he needed full time care, so we placed him in an assisted living facility. His retirement monies paid for half of the expenses, we picked up the remainder. The last few months of his life were spent in a full care nursing home. He no longer recognized my husband and in a short time, died in the nursing home. We never saw his children once prior to his death - and they live in the same town. They did, however, manage to go by the nursing home immediately after the funeral and take the tv, wheelchair, and possessions we had purchased for their father.

237 posted on 01/03/2005 9:56:42 AM PST by Quilla
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To: durasell
A child is being Fedex'ed to you immediately. Complete instruction manual included.

Note to self: Don't sign for any Fed Ex packages today. ;)

238 posted on 01/03/2005 9:56:50 AM PST by bigeasy_70118
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To: don-o
I will say that a society that gives equal "status" (recognition - searching for the word) to non precreators as to mothers and fathers is exhibiting a tendency toward self destruction.

I would say that any society that applies any legally meaningful "status" to a law-abiding adult other than "adult" has arguably already self-destructed.

239 posted on 01/03/2005 9:56:54 AM PST by Hemingway's Ghost (Spirit of '75)
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To: HungarianGypsy

You are right, some people don't deserve to be parents.


240 posted on 01/03/2005 9:57:00 AM PST by television is just wrong (Our sympathies are misguided with illegal aliens.)
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