Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
I have a daughter who is 36 and childless. I think it is a very good decision. She does not have the temperament to be a GOOD mother. She's a pretty emotional person, and her hubby was adopted. Neither want children, each for their own reasons. They are not selfish. They know themselves well.
I've never felt the desire to have children. It's not because of career or parties or money or anything like that, it's because I just plain don't like kids. If I ever did have one though I'd raise it right... homeschooled or private schooled, no TV, lots of outdoor play, etc.
Maybe for "the good of society" they should be forced to have children then.
You laugh because you know it' true :o)
Before I get off this thread and get back to work, let me say this: My kids are the most important thing on earth to me. In fact, the older you get, the more you realize that they are just about the only thing that matters at all.
If you are an empty nester then you are not too far away from all your friends talking about nothing but who just died, their most recent bowel surgeries and golf scores.
Baby puke is much more pleasant than dog puke. I can say this from experience. LOL...
Fair enough.... It is important. That is why I take it very seriously, and wouldn't want to do it lightly.
Quite a few people on this thread have said that their idea that people who choose not to have children are selfish excludes parents whose decisions are based on medical or genetic reasons.
Innercity low or no income people seldom seem to have the urge to go out and have no children.
Agree. Children have been caring for elderly parents for thousands of years.
My wife and I are childless by choice also. Been married for 25 years. School taxes I'm gonna pay this year are $3300.00 simply cause I own a house in Texas. I'd call that generous on my part.
We didn't like sending her there. She needed nursing type people around 24/7 and we tried to have in-home care as much as possible.
The tired argument of "Who will take care of you when you are older" is pure bs as many people put their 'dear parents' out to pasture in a nursing homes anyway.
As far as social security goes, how about that personal responsibility that is always paraded about around FR? Save your own damn money instead of wringing your hands and screaming "breed so i can have a pleasant retirement!" at younger generations.
Many people could not imagine life without kids. For others, they just do not want them. Period.
And as far as treating dogs like kids, plenty of families with kids do treat the dogs like other kids as well.
I wish I could take credit for it, but I was more or less making a joke by completing the thought that he or she left out via ellipsis.
My opinion is this: you're lucky if you can decide whether or not to have children. And if you choose to have kids or choose not to have kids, it's nobody's business but your own, and everyone else can go sh*t in their hat. The way a certain brand of lunatic on FR politicizes everything from underarm deodorant choice to bagel store patronage never ceases to amaze and amuse me.
< hand wringing > Oh no---these people don't want to have kids: the Queer Agenda must be working!!! God might kill a kitten!!!!< / hand wringing>
...at the very least, a bunch of parents should get together and donate a couple of their own to the childless couple. Say, eight or nine left on the doorstep with the paperwork all filled out. Say between the ages of 17 and 28.
Nonetheless, I am sure there's no better feeling in the world than giving our daughter away on her wedding day. Just recognize that I am just as happy taking my lab to the vet and feed her breakfast, dinner and buy her christmas presents.
Frederica Mathewes Green has an article out about how a lot of today's adults still are not grown ups at all. Don't have time now, but will look later.
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