Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
No joke: It is actually marriage as envisioned by the fine leftist lawyers of the American Bar Association.
Children are not part of marriage IS thier goal. They wrote it into their model divorce code. That model divorce code is the ONLY ONE used by legislators because it is the ONLY ONE. (it also envisions child visitation standing for homosexual recreational sex partners of divorcing mothers/fathers because children are mere ACCESSORIES to marriage. per ABA)
as I said, no joke, no sacasm, very real, very here.
I was frustrated for a while that I had no time for all my little projects and hobbies. After a while, it dawned on me that the kids are more challenging and rewarding than anything else I will ever do.
Most people without kids simply can't relate. They see the time demands and constraints of children to be heinous, even on people other than themselves.
But the older I get, the more I feel my own mortality, the more I realize that time spent on myself is more of a necessity than an entitlement or priviledge. And spending too much time on myself is just vanity, a waste that neither makes me nor anyone else happy.
I was frustrated for a while that I had no time for all my little projects and hobbies. After a while, it dawned on me that the kids are more challenging and rewarding than anything else I will ever do.
Most people without kids simply can't relate. They see the time demands and constraints of children to be heinous, even on people other than themselves.
But the older I get, the more I feel my own mortality, the more I realize that time spent on myself is more of a necessity than an entitlement or priviledge. And spending too much time on myself is just vanity, a waste that neither makes me nor anyone else happy.
Dogs are better in one regard, You can housebreak a dog within a week, while you will be changing dirty diapers for 2+ years with a kid. Evolution and/or the Intelligent Designer really screwed that one up.
True enough, on both parts. :~D
I understand your rant, but if all those who did not want children never got pregnant there would lees innocent babies murdered for blood money.
The secular left is focused on self and seeking pleasure.
It is a part of the culture war in differences on understanding the role of religion in society ("Church and State"), the homosexual agenda, and the lack of will to back school vouchers (no kids, no worry about schools).
I think it's important to point out the "degrees" of childlessness. For instance, I know a couple who is not going to "try" to have children, but they don't like to call themselves "Childless by Choice" or whatever the women above are touting, because if they did happen to get pregnant, they would welcome "God's Little Surprise" and raise it whereas other "Childless by Choice" couples would go to ANY lengths--including abortion--to not have children.
Having children that you cannot afford is a sign of immaturity. Having children even though you despise screaming, snotty brats is a sign of immaturity.
That maybe true but at 16, I also don't have to worry about driving lessons, who Hillary Duff is dating and general teenage angst. We can still head to the park and play fetch.
I see this "no one's business" asserted on a few replies. I'm going to disagree. Formation of families and the protection of same is the foundation upon which society is built. Celebrating voluntary childlessness is a subtle way to weaken that foundation.
Similar the gay agenda; that can do as they will, but don't try to sell me on that "one choice is as good as another" nonsense. It ain't so.
True enough.... The thing is, I know I'd be an excellent mom. My husbnd would be a great dad. I just have a completely different life that would have to change. For the next few years, I'd like to have that life. We just got married. We'd like to keep the plans for the life we married for and not turn all that upside down. But time's ticking against us, and I am not sure it is fair to have babies at 40.
Easier to care for than kids. When a dog barfs it's not that big a deal :-)
LOL! That's the first time I've ever read that admission posted on FR, but certainly not the first time it should have been posted! I know many FReepers who should have that as their tagline.
At eighteen, I got to watch my daughter walk down the aisle.
Much better than fetch, IMO.
That's one reason I dreaded visiting my grandmother in the rest home. Our family had it set up so someone visited her every day for several years. There was only one lady I remember who had her husband visit every day. When the rest home staff commpliment you on visiting often, you just have to wonder.....
I am the oldest of ten kids. I told my mom one time that when I think back on what it took to get us all ready for church on Sunday I am just amazed. I asked her how she did it and she just said, "We just did it." One of my fondest memories of my dad is when us kids would line up in front of him so he could brush our hair.
I ain't touching that one! LOL...
You have a tougher choice to make than the people in the story, which was kind of a nothing story in the first place.
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