Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Was that a dirty joke?
My wife and I were the oldest of large families. We saw enough...The parents sick with worry over supporting us all, the diapers, the calls from teachers, and all the rest. All our many siblings have children, so there is no loss to the population or the family continuity. From life observations, and reading some of the more condemnatory posts, I susepct that what is behind some of the fury is the guilt some (Not a lot, but some) parents feel at, waking at 3 AM, all alone in the dark, in the deepest private secrets of their soul, wishing they had not had children, hating the soccer practice, the upcoming tuition pressures, and the whole trip.
They know they CANNOT feel this way. They MUST condemn people who do not have lives like theirs. They cling to condemning childless people, like clinging to a talisman, because NO ONE must suspect, even for a second, how they really feel.
Not to mention the vast majority of "overpopulation" whiners live in big cities. Unable to see past the ends of their collective noses, they believe the whole world looks exactly like the view outside their studio apartment windows--and we all end up hearing the moaning and kavetching!
I agree. It would have been much kinder not to have children at all than to have them and put them second to a career. Great point.
Thanks!
Wow, that's a whole lotta kids in the house! Were ya'll homeschooled, too?
LOL! Good points. I can't imagine this woman has been to too many showers, bridal or otherwise. They are only fun for the bride/mom-to-be (sometimes not even her) and possibly her mother and various other female relatives.
I didn't have a bridal shower by choice. I don't like them so why subject my family and friends to one? I can't imagine anything as stupid as a "You've Got No Kids!" shower.
See my earlier post. Madonna is the poster child on all the reasons a person should NOT have a kid, yet does. For more, just look at your local slum.
Good point...they need to be limited to only the dollars they contributed and not a penny more, no correction for inflation either...because they represent population deflation. Pio in Mass.
Not me. I think its great. There are far too many selfish couples who do have children. The fact that they know this about themselves is to their credit.
"That's not for me to decide. For my own case, I have four children. I am praying that I have good daughter and son-in-laws. I am preparing for my emotional future. I want more than anything to be the type of person others will want to be around when I am old and feeble. Others can do what they wish. I, on the other hand, want to be surrounded by family on my deathbed."
First, I hope that you aren't saying that you had kids to insure your own future. That would be just as selfish as saying that you didn't have kids to insure your own future. Having children or not having children shouldn't be all about what they can or can't do for you when you're 80. Second, I also want to be surrounded by family if I am blessed enough to die in bed at an old age. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to run out and get married and pregnant just because I fear being alone in a few decades. Third, you're assuming that someone without children and in-laws will be alone if they die in bed at an old age. Maybe you don't have siblings, close nieces and nephews, close friends, etc. and only have the immediate family your created, but that's not always the case.
Sadly, I don't agree with you. I know a few parents who don't say that they want to "give their child back", but they behave like their children are a nuisance, and I would guess that if they had it to do all over again they wouldn't have had children at all.
Sickening. My wife and I don't have kids and the reasons for that are personal. These people however, are children themselves.
LOL!! And you and your wife, of course, are NOT children because your reasons are "personal."
Your post screams hypocrisy.
Well, not totally self-centered or they'd succumb to pressure and probably become resentful and rotten parents. And any kids would be the losers.
Not at all! I think often it is very unselfish to not have kids. My argument is with those who look at this and immediately apply the "selfish" label.
Agreed!
Perhaps they should receive a refund for school taxes to make that investment.
Not even close. I will not offer a sample so you can compare and contrast.
My point was the reporter found them...they didn't find the reporter.
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