Now you know it's not really nice to make fun of other people's weight problems. Admittedly, John is a skinny little twerp...
De clunibus magnis amandis oratio
(Baby Got Back)
Mixaloti equitis
mehercle!(By Hercules!)
Rebecca, ecce! tantae clunes isti sunt! (Rebecca, behold! Such large buttocks she has!)
amica esse videtur istorum hominum rhythmicorum.(She appears to be a girlfriend of one of those rhythmic-oration people.)
sed, ut scis,(But, as you know)
quis homines huiusmodi intellegere potest?(Who can understand persons of this sort?)
colloquuntur equidem cum ista eo tantum, quod scortum perfectum esse videtur.(Verily, they converse with her for this reason only, namely, that she appears to be a complete whore.)
clunes, aio, maiores esse! (Her buttocks, I say, are rather large!)
nec possum credere quam rotondae sint.(Nor am I able to believe how round they are.)
en! quam exstant! nonne piget te earum? (Lo! How they stand forth! Do they not disgust you?)
ecce mulier Aethiops!(Behold the black woman!)
magnae clunes mihi placent, nec possum de hac re mentiri.(Large buttocks are pleasing to me, nor am I able to lie concerning this matter.)
quis enim, consortes mei, non fateatur,(For who, colleagues, would not admit,)
cum puella incedit minore medio corpore(Whenever a girl comes by with a rather small middle part of the body)
sub quo manifestus globus, inflammare animos(Beneath which is an obvious spherical mass, that it inflames the spirits)
virtute praestare ut velitis, notantes bracas eius (So that you want to be conspicuous for manly virtue, noticing her breeches)
clunibus profunde fartas(*1)
esse(Have been deeply stuffed with buttock?)
a! captus sum, nec desinere intueri possum.(Alas! I am captured, nor am I able to desist from gazing.)
o dominola mea, volo tecum congredi (My dear lady, I want to come together with you)
pingereque picturam tui. (And make a picture of you.)
familiares mei me monebant(My companions were trying to warn me)
sed clunes istae libidinem in me concitant.(But those buttocks of yours arouse lust in me.)
o! cutis rugosa glabraque! (*2)
(O skin wrinkled and smooth!)
dixistine te in meum vehiculum intrare velle?(Did you say you wish to enter my vehicle?)
in arbitrio tuo totus veni(I am entirely at your disposal)
quia non es mediocris adsecula.(Because you are not an average hanger-on.)
vidi illam saltantem.(*3)
(I have seen her dancing.)
obliviscere igitur blanditiarum! (*3a)
(Forget, therefore, about blandishments!)
tantus sudor! tantus umor!(Such sweat! Such moisture!)
vehor quasi in curru quadrigarum! (*4)
(I am borne along as if by a four-horse chariot!)
taedet me in diurnis legendi (I am tired of reading in the gazettes)
planas clunes gratiores iudicari. (That flat buttocks are judged more pleasing.)
rogate quoslibet Aethiopes: responsum erit(Ask any black men you wish: the answer will be)
se libentius expletiores (*5)
anteponere.(Rather that they prefer fuller ones.)
o consortes (quid est?) o consortes (quid est?)(O colleagues [What is it?] O colleagues [What is it?])
habent amicae vestrae magnas clunes? (certe habent!)(Do your girlfriends have large buttocks? [They certainly have!])
hortamini igitur ut eas quatiant (ut quatiant!)(Encourage them therefore to shake them! [To shake them!])
ut quatiant! (ut quatiant!)(To shake them! [To shake them!)
ut quatiant illas clunes sanas!(To shake those healthy buttocks!)
domina mea exstat a tergo! (*6)
(My mistress stands out behind!)
[Etc.]
_______
(*1) Any apparent connection with flatulence, even in this context, is purely coincidental.
(*2) The original doesn't make much sense either. Is it a cellulite reference? --
ADDENDUM Nov. 14, 2003: The reading of the text here is a problem which has much exercised the
scholarly community, with attempts to explain "rumpled smooth skin," or to suggest that it is a pun (a lame one, if you ask me) on Rumplestiltskin. The likeliest reading is "rub her smooth skin" (
cutem glabram eius tere [or
terere volo]).
Hey, cutie!
Well, I'm going to do my best to watch this, but it will be difficult. Even 30 second bites of Edwards I find painful.
John Edwards insists on doing what in the acting world is known as "indicating". And it drives me batty.
Indicating is what it's called when an actor takes the cheap way out by displaying emotion or situation via painted expressions and clichéd gestures, using the external to mask the lack of true internal emotion -- "I'll illustrate how late I am by furrowing my brow and tapping my foot and incessantly checking my watch" for example or, as in Edwards's case, "I'll prove to them that I mean it when I say I love them by looking wide-eyed and innocent and placing my hand on my heart. Do they notice that lump in my throat?"
If I was an acting coach and a DemocRat I would run not walk to campaign headquarters and beg him to stop.
Give this guy a Daytime Emmy but please keep him out of the White House.
