Hell Looks an Awful Lot Like the Republican Convention (From Canada, with love.)

The Globe and Mail ^ | September 2, 2004 | John Doyle

[quidnunc]

A man in Michigan wrote to me last week and said, "Please go to hell or stay in Canada, whichever you prefer."

His suggestion arose because of remarks made here about Democrat John Kerry, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and the general state of the American media.

Now I have news for the man in Michigan. Recently, I succeeded in staying in Canada and simultaneously visiting hell. I have been watching coverage of the Republican Convention.

There are many horrible ways of inflicting pain on oneself, but this has got to be one of the worst. You get agitated and then worried that you're getting all those side-effects that you're warned about on those American commercials for prescription drugs — headache, nausea and hypertension. Your stomach churns, you turn numb. You learn that Vice-President Dick Cheney is now America's granddad.

The tactical point of this Republican convention is to show the allegedly "compassionate" side of the Republicans. It's working. What makes a viewer particularly nauseous is watching the television media roll over to have its tummy rubbed by Republicans.

-snip-

[headsonpikes]

John Doyle is a tool of the ruling Party.

[sgtbono2002]

The guy is right. for Liberals the Republican convention has been hell. They are taking a thorough butt whipping.

Imagine a liberal watching Zell Miller last night, I bet it was worse than any pain the devil could think up.

[cake_crumb]

CANADA isn't the problem. The French that run it and all their socialist programs are. Both the Canadians' problem and ours.

[GoLightly]

This guy is from a country that responded to Iran's murder of one of it's journalists by saying that hopefully it's allies will do something about it.

[jimbo123]

What's a Canada?

[Criminal Number 18F]

All I can say is, Canuckistan is jolly lucky that it got into NATO by dint of being a handy place for us to put radars.

Actually, Canada once had a military, did you know that? Since they got us formally sworn to defend them, they've downsized it to the point of irrelevance.

There's a reason that most of the population in Canada hugs the American border. That's so they're within a short drive of good (as opposed to "free") medical care.

Canadian contributions to the defence of the western world:

• 1 tour by the Princess Pats in Afghanistan (an infantry "regiment" nearer battalion size).

• Special operations forces in the hunt for bin Laden et al. (and these guys don't share the writer's anti-americanism).

• uh... uh.... (cue SFX: crickets)

Canadian contributions to culture:

• Being a butt of humour, for example, in Monty Python's Lumberjack Song

• A bunch of no-talent rock bands

• A bunch of hairy-legged female folksingers

• Bobby Curtulo, "the Canadian Elvis," whose career peaked when -- I am not making this up -- he made it big in the States by recording The Real Thing and Things Go Better With Coke -- yep, Coca-Cola jingles.

• uh... uh.... (cue SFX: crickets)

Canadian contributions to the world economy:

• Lumber, pulpwood... keeping the cost of junk mail low.

• At least one gold-mining company collapse scandal per annum.

• Ski-doos. Unfortunately, they don't export well to the 90% of humanity that lives in weather that need not be shoveled.
• uh... uh.... (cue SFX: crickets)

So Jacques Cretin and company ought to punk out on the war on terrorism, seems to be this clown's point. You mean they haven't? If they were in we couldn't tell, and if they're out we won't miss them. Now the Phillipines, that's a loss....

d.o.l.

Criminal Number 18F

[imintrouble]

One rather pleasing thought.

Msr. Doyle is stuck with the likes of Carolyn Parrish and her unshaven legs and unsound mind.

[Polonius]

I suppose this writer's idea of the media showing balance would be a running rebuttal of each Republican speech as it takes place.

[pacelvi]

OMG, this was such a POS article. I wrote the author of it (i spelled the F-word out though):

From: Vince P. [mailto:*]
Sent: Thursday, September 02, 2004 4:13 PM
To: 'jdoyle@globeandmail.ca'
Subject: Your "Hell looks..." article


Please.. stay in f*****g Canada.

James Pacella
Chicago, Illinois, United States of America... stay the f**k out.

[chainsaw]

the television media roll over to have its tummy rubbed by Republicans.

I don't think Dick Cheney or Zell Miller did any tummy rubbing last night. They told it like it is. You Kanuks should mind your own politics and leave us to ours.

Not to long ago I remember one of your provinces tryed to succeed from your country. What ever happened to that movement.

[kat1776]

damn straight sir.

At least hell is warm once in a while.

The canadians are mainly the descendants of the little rats who wanted to stay loyal to the british during our glorious war for freedom from stupidity.

[joyce11111]

Not at all interested in what the canucks have to say about our Country!

[Owl558]

"Now you know the CBC and CTV...would never show anything of substance to upset their placid, laid-back nanny-driven population."

Sounds like little Johnny Canadian had too much sugar in his juice. Don't fret little Johnny, nanny will be there to make everything better."

[TheLawyerFormerlyKnownAsAl]

OK, I'm about to give it up. People here repeatedly talking about singers and actors I've never heard of and now about what I think is a country. Help me out here. Is Canada that country that's in a race to the bottom with France?

[Atlanta]

My brother in law has been trying to get me to go to canada on fishing trips the last several years. I've never gone , and now I know I never will. F-m SB's. Hope they choke to death during W's victory speech.

[cake_crumb]

Parrish, of "I hate them all the b@stards" fame? Probably. We have our share here where us b@stards live. I was just listening to a Parrish on Fox. Terry McCauliff.

[solo gringo]

Our country is so far from heaven and so close to Canada.

[cake_crumb]

"Our country is so far from heaven and so close to Canada."

When I read the first few sentences, I thought the author was going to say she was still a Canadian citizen, but watching the RNC from Hell, Michigan.

[ATOMIC_PUNK]

Kerry is toast

[Criminal Number 18F]

A few of Dipstick Doyle's comments:

1. NYC voters, obviously proud of being offbeat, and deluded that they live in the most important city in the world....

   But of course! Real, thinking, nuancy boys know it's Moose Jaw, Sask. ... No, wait... is it St. John's, Newf.? Or could it be Iqaluit or maybe London... London, Ontario, of course... ah, so many world class cities in Canuckistan. I guess it'll be wherever the new Caliph puts the biggest mosque.

2. It's not even the frump-with-a-facelift aesthetic that you observe in the crowd.

   Can't get a facelift on the national health, is that your problem, Doyle? Jealousy?

3. Tuesday evening it was Arnold Schwarzenegger telling implausible stories about the Soviet menace in the Austria of his boyhood

   Gee, Doyle, I learnt about the Soviet occupation of Austria from Miss Kane in the 8th Grade. You should have stuck with school a bit longer, but I guess it conflicted with beaver trapping season or summat, eh?

   For the record, it was the only time in history a Communist occupying army actually withdrew according to an agreement they'd signed, a unique and anomalous event. The confusion after the death of Stalin, and the USSR's fear of Canada, were factors: you pick the bigger of the two.

4. I am often obliged to American readers. I am obliged to them for the vigour of their condescension and the sinew of the insults..

   I'd also like to thank Canada: for taking in 10,000 of America's least-wanted radicals, bed-wetters, cheesers and cowards during the Vietnam War. This exchange left both countries with a higher net mean courage level than that with which they began.

(I also ought to mention, for fairness's sake, the 50,000 Canadians who came south, joined up, and voluntarily served in Vietnam. That exchange was entirely to the advantage of the USA, and indicated that just maybe this weasel Doyle is not universally representative of his nation).

d.o.l.

Criminal Number 18F.

PS CORRECTION: The Canadian jingle singer's name is Bobby Curtola. Apologies to all the millions of Coke, and dozens of Bobby, fans out there. --C18F