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THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
CookingWithCarlo.com ^ | June 6 2005 | Unknown

Posted on 06/05/2004 10:16:56 PM PDT by carlo3b

THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO  SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but  I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but  I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good  for you?
4. I see you've set  aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once  you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try  being smarter.
7. I'm out of my  mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here   I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English,  but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has  visited us again...
11. I like you. You  remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent  mistrust of strangers.
13. I  have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape  over your mouth.
15. I will  always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you  doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality  and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I?   Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm  not being rude, you're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job,  but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion  would be...?
23. Do I look like  a people person?
24. This isn't an  office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
25. I started out with nothing &  still have most of it left.
26.  Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. If I throw a stick, will you  leave?
28. Errors have been  made. Others will be blamed.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going  for, you missed.
30. Wait!   Wait! I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell  without a door.
32 Can I trade  this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Too many freaks, not enough  circuses.
34. Nice  perfume. Must you marinate in it?
35. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work  here is done.
36. How do I set a  laser printer to stun?
37. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I  just wanted a salary.
38. Who  lit the fuse on your tampon?
39. Oh I get it... like humor...  but different.

40. What liberal, candy-ass fool told you marrying a fat, rich, loud-mouthed, gas bag, automatically makes you right or smart.


TOPICS: Constitution/Conservatism; Crime/Corruption; Culture/Society; Editorial; Extended News; Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; Philosophy; Political Humor/Cartoons; Politics/Elections; Unclassified; Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: classless; funny; mean; pausefrompolitics; pullmyfinger; rude; unfunny; vulgarlanguage
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To: Lacey

bump for later


61 posted on 06/06/2004 4:18:11 AM PDT by Lacey
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To: carlo3b
10 WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST, BUT SHOULD

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act of, when vacuuming, running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

62 posted on 06/06/2004 4:29:31 AM PDT by Lacey
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To: carlo3b

Top Ten Movies Playing In Afghanistan and More!

10. "Sleepless In Jalalabad"

9. "Throw Osama From The Train"

8. "Pretty Woman And Her Brutal Death By Stoning"

7. "Singing In The Reign Of Terror"

6. "There's Something About Christiane Amanpour"

5. "Riding In Cars With Boys Is Forbidden"

4. "Seven Brides For One Brother"

3. "When Harry Met A Veiled Woman He Assumed Was Sally"

2. "Osama, Where Art Thou?"

1. "Glitter"

11. Bridge Over the River's Gone.

2001: A Base Odyssey

2001: A Taliban Odyssey

20,000 leagues under the mountain

2000BC

A Streetcar Named Repress Your Desire

"A Mullah and a Gentleman"

A Streetcar Named Oblivion

Arsenic and Old Anthrax

"All in the Fatwah"

"All Beheadings Considered"

A Rumor of Retreat

All Dancing is Dirty Dancing!

All About Ibrahim

"Ali's Quiet on the Khyber Pass"

All's quiet on the Khyber Pass

Afghanistan Burning

A Hard Day's Carpet Bombing

Along Came a Spy Plane

Afghanistan Burning

An American in i sharif

A Camel Under the Influence

Apocalypse Now

All dying on the western front

Al Qaeda on the Western Front

"A Farewell to Arm"

Batman re-runs

"Buffy, The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

Bridge on the river Khyber

"Bin Laden in the Attic by 72 Virgins and Now I'm Tuckered Out"

Being There, The Sequel: Not Being There Anymore

Body Heat Sensors

Bring Me the Head of OBL

Back to the Torture

Bin Laden on a Hot Tin Roof

"Bloody in the Sand"

Bin hurt

Battlefield Earth

Blown Up in 60 Seconds

Bent and stumpy

"Cave Improvement"

"Cave by Cave" (compare to "Room by Room")

"Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"

"Camel-Week"(weekly vehicle review)

"Cave Improvements"

Camel Driver

Close Encounters of the Rumsfeld Kind

Crouching Mullah, Hidden'sama

Casablamo

Citizen Caned

Cat on a Hot Mud Roof

Dances not Permitted with Wolves;

Das Burkha


"DEAD MEN WALKING" or
"DEAD MEN RUNNING"

Dude, Where's My Cave?

Dude, Where's My Camel?

"Documentary: Gray Davis", how to tell the difference between power outages caused by incompetence and carpet bombing...

"Dead Mullahs Society"

Die in Lard.

Dead Muslims Society

"Documentary: Beatdown", best ways to make females grovel.

"Dodge-Bomb"

"Dr. StrangeLove", or How I learned to stop worrying and love the Taliban's view on sex

"Driving Miss Daisy Cutter"


Death Space Nine

Dances with goats

Desert Trek --- The Wrath of Khan

Dropping Mrs Daisy Cutter

Erin Burqa Witch

Enslaving Private Ryan

EC (= Emergency Country)

Fatima Foop

F-16's Flew Over Bin Laden's Nest

Full Metal Turbin

Force Ten from Crawford

From Russia With Love

"Flying Camelnecks"

Fist full of Burkhas

For a few Rupees more

"Feetwatch"

"Friends", starring Bill & Hillary, Yasser, Saddam, and cameos by Mommahdar K.

Francis the Talking Mullah

Field of Screams

Gone With the Wind

Guess who's coming to win here

How Beige was my Valley

"Helen Keller: My ideal Woman, by Osama Bin Laden"

Honey I Shrunk the Kid Goats!

Hairy Plotter

Harry Potter, Stoned for Being a Wizard

Heaven's Gate

"How the West Won"

Indiana Jones and the Fast crusade

I know what you did last Jihad!

I STILL Know what you did last Jihad!

"I remember Osama"

It's a Wonderful Death

I dream of TV

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Mullah

Indiana Jones and Another Crusade of Infidels

"I STILL Know What You Did Last Ramadan"

Just Bomb Me

Journey to the Center of the Earth

"Last of the Mohamads"

Liar Liar

Long Day's Journey into Pakistan

Last Year at Jalalabad

Last of the Taliban

Monday Night Footless Ball

Mutiny for the $5,000,000 Bounty

Mullah Abdulla's Laboratory

My Favorite Wives

Miss Saigon but Hit Kabul

Mourning Becomes Everyone

"Mullah Salami Meets Howard's End [a CNN original]"

My Blue Burqa

Men in Burqas

Meet Osama Doe!

"My Twenty-three Sons"

"Mashed to Pieces Theater"

"MATMAN"

"Married, With Camels"

"Mad At You"

"Married with Harem"

"Mohammed Gump"

My Best Friend's Stoning

Men in Burqas

More Than One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Cave

Mazar-i-Sharif Poppins

My Scared Lady

Muhhamad Atef - The Right Stiff

No Sound of Music

National Geographic Explorer special "The Caves of Bin Laden, starring Geraldo Rivera"

"No Left Foot"

No Futurama

"No-witness News

"Never on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday"

Ordinary Sheep-pals

One Red Burqa

"Osama's Cave World, starring Geraldo Rivera" on Public Access TV channel 39.

Oh, Allah!

Oh, Allah! - Book 2

Popeye the Taliban

Pulp Faction

Power Puff Planes

Poke the man

Pure Hell for Osama

Planet of Dirty Terrorists Who Smell Like Apes

Planes, Helicopters, and Cruise Missiles

"Pretty Goat"

Rapidly, Last Ramadan

Raging kabul

Reservoir Goats

"Returning Glass to Sand"

Run Silent, Run Deep (in those caves!)

Rats

Riding in Cars with Bombs

Radiation Burn treatment tips by the Weather Channel

Silence of the Goats

Scent of a Burka

"Sand Grit"

"Send Me No B-52s"

Silence of the Goats

Sands of Khyber Pass

Suddenly Last Summary Execution

Survivor (Plot twist: You WANT to be voted out!)

Saturday Night Hemorrhagic Fever

"Seven B-52's for Seven Mullahs"

The Postman Always asks for Cipro Twice

The Bombed Out Bridges of Madison County

The Usual Suspects

The Fast and the Furious Retreat

The Sound of Rocket-Propelled Grenade Launchers

The Xed-Files

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

The Phantom Menace

The Smelly, The Bad, and THe Ugly

The Dead Suicidal Patriot

The Preacher's Wife will be tried for Apostasy

THe Quiet man can be made to scream

the death of a nation

The Goats of Wrath

The Fugitive

The Discreet Charm of the AC-130

The Incredible Shortness of Being

The Guns of Kabul

The Fighting Bin-Ladens

The Seven Camel Jockeys

"THE X-FATWAS"

"The Invisible Men"

"The Liars Clubbed"

"The Texas Boxcutter Massacre"

"The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"

"The Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

The Perfect Storm Trooper

The Unbearable Heaviness of Bombing

the silence of the afgans

The king and I are in Exile

That Twelfth Century Show

The Flight-school Graduate

The Grinch Who Stole Ramadan

Tombs of Internment

Take Me To Kabul (Abdul)

Three Days of the Kandahar

Terminator B52: Judgement Day

Terrorist, Interrupted

This is Multiple Spinal Fracture

"To Catch a Terrorist"

Terminator B52: Judgement Day

"The Odd Couple", starring Bill and Hillary.

"To Kill a Mocking Kurd"

"Taliban Girl: How to Take a Beating"

"Taliban Boy: Pointers from Gary Condit"

Terms of Entombment

Three Men and a Camel

"Touched by A Mullah", from Black and Blue Productions.

"Thank God It's Ramadan"

"Tombstones"

"The Bin Laden Bunch"

"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah"

The Adventures of Burhanuddin Rabbani Across The 8th Dimension

They died with their burkha's on

"Veilwatch"

Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"

"Weekend at Osama's"

Who Wants to Be a Suicide Terrorist?

"Wheel of Fortune and Terror

Whose Cave is it Anyway?

"Welcome Back, Osama"

You are Pressed into the Army Now;

Yellow Submarine Cruise Missile Launch

"You've got Anthrax in the Mail"



Kabul TV

8:00 "Captain Kandahar"
9:00 "The Saudi Duty Show"
9:30 "Talibantubbies"
10:00 "Afghan Rugrats"
10:30 "My Mullah the Car Bomber"
11:00 "The Flying Nut"
11:30 "The Flintstonings"
12:00 "Jee-Hawd"
1:00 "The Sunni and Sheik Comedy Hour"
2:00 "Bazooka"
3:00 "The Veiled, Veiled East"
4:00 "Teenage Ninja Muslim Turbans"
4:30 "Anthrax Roadshow"
5:30 "The PJs" (with Peter Jennings)
6:00 "Sixty Virgins"
7:00 "Torched by an Avenging Angel"
8:00 "Everybody Loves Ramadan"
8:30 "The Drew Carriers Show"
9:00 "Enemies"
9:30 "Not Landing"
10:30 "The Merry Traitor Maher Show"

TODAY'S BEST BET:

2:00 "Bazooka" Eastern. The Cartridges have to deal with crack British and American forces that have invaded the Ponderosama. Starring Lerne Meene as Bin Cartridge, Bernhell Roberts as Atom, Damn Blockade as Camm, Michael Laden as Little Jihad, and Victor Die Yung as Hop Plane.



You are Pressed into the Army Now;

Everybody Loves Ramadan

Dawsons Dry river bed

Xena-phobic

Power-Puff Planes

Who Wants to Get the Hell Out of Here

Jalalabad R.F.D

"I'll give you two mules for your sister Sara"

They Bombed by Night

Judgement at Kandahar

Dubya's Inferno

Who's Afraid of Osama?

Some Like It REAL Hot

Gentlemen Prefer Burqa's

All About Abdullah

On a Clear Day You Can See Uzbekistan

Terms of Surrender

My Favorite Wives

Citizen Caned

Mazar-i-Sharif Poppins

Mutiny for the $5,000,000 Bounty

The Postman Always asks for Cipro Twice

Muslims, Inc.

Dying With Boys On Camels

Rangers in the Night

Clean your carpets with "carpet bombing"

Praying for birds to fall on US troops.

Feeding 50,000 fleeing Taliban.

How to rebuild with stones.

Toyota trucks for sale.

Killing our Muslim brothers in a Jihad for Allah.

Take Me To Kabul (Abdul)

Desert Trek --- The Wrath of Khan

Blown Up in 60 Seconds

Indiana Jones and Another Crusade of Infidels

The Fast and the Furious Retreat

No Futurama

Just Bomb Me

Death Space Nine

That Twelfth Century Show

Who Wants to Be a Suicide Terrorist?

Monday Night Footless Ball

The Sound of Rocket-Propelled Grenade Launchers

Force Ten from Crawford

The Goats of Wrath

The Fugitive

Crouching Mullah, Hidden'sama

20,000 leagues under the mountain


63 posted on 06/06/2004 5:16:38 AM PDT by RaceBannon (VOTE DEMOCRAT AND LEARN ARABIC FREE!!)
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To: al baby
Police Look for Naked Drive-Through Patron

Fri Jun 4, 7:37 PM ET HILLSBOROUGH, N.C. - Police are searching for a man who was naked when he picked up his fast food order this week at a drive-through window.

The customer at Bojangles restaurant was described as a hairy, big-bellied man in his 30s with short curly black hair that was receding on the top of his head. He picked up an order at the window Monday morning.

"He conducted his business at the drive-through wearing no clothing and he had to open his door to receive whatever they were passing out the drive-through window," said Capt. Ross Frederick of the Hillsborough Police Department.

This is the first time police have been called about him, but the man has patronized the restaurant before. On those occasions, he wore only his underwear or perhaps shorts that may resemble underwear, Frederick said.

64 posted on 06/06/2004 6:56:43 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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To: carlo3b

1. Are you an "affirmative action hire", by any chance?


65 posted on 06/06/2004 6:58:06 AM PDT by TaxRelief (Keep your kids safe; keep W in the White House.)
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To: Keith in Iowa
This Is a Stick-Up! Fry Me Some Eggs!

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina (Reuters) - A hungry Argentine thief forced his way into a home on Friday to steal clothes and appliances -- before sitting at the dinner table to demand the captive family cook him a proper meal.

"He ordered a steak and fried eggs. Afterward, he pulled the telephone out and tied the family up," said the porter from the building in a posh neighborhood of Buenos Aires.

The thief then escaped

66 posted on 06/06/2004 6:58:48 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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To: carlo3b

EEOC?? EEOC IS BS!!!


67 posted on 06/06/2004 7:00:44 AM PDT by petercooper (Now, who's this Joe Mayo everyone's talking about?)
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To: Exterminate The ACLU
"1. Is it fair, that as a white male, I am held to a higher standard than anyone else here?"

Fortunately, this one works for you, rather than against you, in the long run...
68 posted on 06/06/2004 7:00:48 AM PDT by TaxRelief (Keep your kids safe; keep W in the White House.)
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To: carlo3b

"I know you may think you know what I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you think I said is not really what I meant."


69 posted on 06/06/2004 7:01:30 AM PDT by b4its2late (Hillary's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum.)
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To: B4Ranch
The rocket scientist

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

70 posted on 06/06/2004 7:03:07 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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To: jellybean
From KENTUCKY

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.

Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

71 posted on 06/06/2004 7:05:06 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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To: Allegra
From ENGLAND

A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he did--backward! Narcotics were found in the golf bag.

72 posted on 06/06/2004 7:06:16 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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To: TheLurkerX
From ARIZONA

A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

73 posted on 06/06/2004 7:07:28 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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To: ExtremeUnction
From TEXAS

A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

74 posted on 06/06/2004 7:08:19 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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To: irv
From New Jersey

A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

75 posted on 06/06/2004 7:09:17 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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To: musicman
From VIRGINIA

Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy.

Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

76 posted on 06/06/2004 7:10:25 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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To: RaceBannon; carlo3b; stanz; christie
When I'm An Old Lady


When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided
Returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry I'll run... if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan. "She's so sweet . when she's sleeping!"
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

~ Author Unknown ~






77 posted on 06/06/2004 7:11:00 AM PDT by jellybean (I have learned that the most important thing in America is freedom. Freedom is worth any sacrifice.)
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To: carlo3b

I needed a funny too...thanks!


78 posted on 06/06/2004 7:11:12 AM PDT by Freedom2specul8 (Please pray for our troops.... http://anyservicemember.navy.mil/)
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To: lainde
From New Jersey

A man walked into a 7-11, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

79 posted on 06/06/2004 7:11:23 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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To: Feckless
Angry robber

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

80 posted on 06/06/2004 7:12:16 AM PDT by carlo3b (http://www.CookingWithCarlo.com)
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