The New Normal: Singleness in America

BreakPoint ^ | 11 Dec 03 | Chuck Colson

[Mr. Silverback]

A pair of magazine articles recently revealed some intriguing facts about marriage and singleness in America. U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT notes that Americans are getting married later in life. And, according to reporter Michelle Conlin in BUSINESS WEEK, "The U.S. Census Bureau's newest numbers show that married-couple households . . . have slipped from nearly 80 percent in the 1950s to just 50.7 percent [of the population] today. That means that the U.S.'s 86 million single adults could soon define the new majority . . . What many once thought of as the fringe is becoming the new normal."

As a result, the way we view many things -- singleness, marriage, friendships, and institutions -- is changing dramatically. For instance, U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT's article focused on the so-called "Tribal Culture," in which single friends form highly organized groups that serve as a kind of substitute family. One such group, in Denver, has 110 members. But that number pales in comparison to some of the groups that are forming online at websites like Friendster.com where literally thousands of people meet to form social networks.

The existence of these "tribes" and these statistics tell us something about ourselves, the way we're wired. We are social beings: We need family and community -- even in a culture that prizes autonomy above all things. But BUSINESS WEEK's reporter sees a quite different meaning in the trend she calls "the new normal." Conlin argues that benefits like insurance and Social Security, which have always gone to married couples, should also be extended to singles, cohabiting couples, and homosexuals living together. She writes, "Just because matrimony is good for society doesn't mean that outmoded social benefits are."

Now, first let me say that it's important for Christians, when examining this trend, to avoid pointing fingers or acting as if singles are somehow inferior to married people. Surrounded by a culture fearful of commitment and more interested in "hooking up" than dating, even those who are interested in getting married often have a hard time finding anyone who shares their interest. Also, as Paul teaches in the New Testament, not everyone is called to be married.

However, there's a genuine cause for concern when people cite widespread singleness as an excuse to promote policies that denigrate traditional families. The benefits we give to two-parent families should have nothing to do with how many families there are. It's a recognition of the great importance of a stable family structure to our society, in all kinds of areas -- the strength of the workforce, the emotional health of kids, and even the physical health of adults. These benefits are one way that we encourage standards that reflect the way we were designed to live -- standards like lifelong faithfulness to one person and a committed mother and father for every child. The more we insist on ignoring these standards, the weaker our culture becomes.

Marriage already has enough strikes against it in a culture that largely considers it just one more "lifestyle choice." We don't need to discourage it even more. "The new normal" so-called may change a lot of things, but it shouldn't change the way we look at a God-ordained, time-tested institution. Tribes may have their place in the chaos of postmodern culture, but they are no substitute for marriage and the family.

[Cicero]

It's hard to grow up in such a society, frankly. Even more, stable marriage is the foundation of society. There's room for singles and nonconformists on the fringes of society, but when such people come to make up the majority of society, then the country is in serious trouble.

[NeoCaveman]

Once a man is tamed, women become bored.

A friend of mine's wife tried to change him, when she succeeded she left him. Her reason was that he changed.

[PeterPrinciple]

"That means that the U.S.'s 86 million single adults could soon define the new majority "

People notice different things and have different perspectives on articles which is why I like FR.

The item that got my attention is that if this is true and assuming these adult singles are living by themselves, it explains the growth and demand in housing.

I will have to think about that singles tribe concept.

[Vidi_Vici_Vinnny]

"It's a Baskin Robbins world of women out there - every size, shape, color, behaviour just waiting to be sampled."

Excellent!

[Alberta's Child]

Part of the growth in demand for housing isn't just singles, but retirees who live on their own or with their spouses for several decades after retirement. At one time, these people would live with their extended families up until the day they died.

[Hodar]

Instead of attacking the messenger, consider the message.

A woman, once married, has the OPTION of quitting work and expecting the husband to provide her an income and retirement for life. An article on FR based in Great Britian stated that 58% of married, childless couples have households where the wife has chosen to not work. She need not do housework (that's optional), she need not produce children (that's optional) and she need not even continue to provide sexual gratification (that too is optional). If the husband divorces her, she gets HALF of his assets, and in many states continues to receive a portion of his paycheck for life.

A male has none of these considerations. If he quits working after marriage, he's labeled a 'bum'. If his wife leaves him, he has practically no chance of obtaining his wife's possessions, nor future income.

So, I have listed considerable issues supporting the messenger. Do you have a response other than a personal attack?

[Salgak]

Given the current social environment, where a single man can pretty much get all the sex he wants, where IS the incentive to marry ?

I hate to say it, but a SMART man files away 20-or-so sperm samples and has them frozen someplace, gets a vasectomy, and goes to town. Free sex, no possibility of child support, and what he percieves as a great time.

[Pahuanui]

Whew! It's quite a relief to see that Colson is still a dunce.

[Vidi_Vici_Vinnny]

Would you really want a man dumb enough to expose himself to the potential for indentured servitude that is American Family Law?

[RosieCotton]

Call me a starry-eyed optimist, but I have to believe there are still men out there who want to get married for reasons other than sex, and who want a conservative wife who doesn't believe in divorce.

Marriage isn't just about sex. Or kids, for that matter, though that's certainly a big part of why I want to get married.

[RosieCotton]

My last post goes for you, too.

[Freebird Forever]

Here's hopin' there are still a few insane ones out there, then.

Single,
available
& insane

[Vidi_Vici_Vinnny]

The only reason to get married in America today is if your biological urge to reproduce is so strong that you must, then do it right in a two parent family.

I liken marriage in America to the Salmon, who battle upstream, dodge predators, build a nest, and spawn - then reap the reward of rotting on the beach as bear / bird food!

[Hodar]

Positively Clintonesque!

That is nothing more than a personal attack. Can you not debate the message? The message is ""if you treat them with reckless disdain, they will cling. Men - unless you have some need to make and raise children, stay single and enjoy life. It's a Baskin Robbins world of women out there - every size, shape, color, behaviour just waiting to be sampled."

And, as a standard of behavior, this is true. Consider the attractive women that flock to the 'bad boys', the 'bikers'. Women are taught and think that they can 'change' men to be whatever they want. It's a challenge to them. But, once they change the person, they come to realize he is no longer the person they fell in love with, and drop him. Thus, the messenger presents a conditioned and learned response. Do not change, keep presenting the challenge. You may not like the method, it's cold and mean; but so is divorce and losing half of your belongings (plus a percentage of your paycheck until she decides to marry again).

[ryanjb2]

"Good decent women, make that ladies, run from men with attitudes like yours. We don't settle for crass behavior."

Thats a delusional thought that most women hold. Reality is differant. Women will always go for the alpha male. The alpha male isn't nice. The alpha male is arrogant, strong, dominant, ect.

To women, being nice, calm, normal = weakness. I am not advocating this, just staing reality.

[ZeitgeistSurfer]

Marriage is deeply rooted in the social order. When the social order breaks down, starting with the breakup of extended families, it's just a matter of time before we end up with a society consisting of very loosely affiliated individuals. The long term consequences are easy to discern. Those subcultures that continue along traditional pathways (e.g. muslims) will outpopulate the rest over time. This is nature's self-adjusting mechanism for insuring that families and children will continue

[Orangedog]

Call me a starry-eyed optimist, but I have to believe there are still men out there who want to get married for reasons other than sex, and who want a conservative wife who doesn't believe in divorce.

Sure, we want that. But more than half of marriages end in divorce and women are the ones who file for the divorce more than 2/3 of the time. Ever see what happens to men, especially fathers, who end up in divorce court? They find out in a big hurry that they have no rights whatsoever, only privilages. Blacks in the south during the 1950's got better treatment than men do today in "family" court.

[nightdriver]

"In my experience, if you are nice to women, they will leave you...."

Unfortunately, that has been my experience, too. All the protective instincts that were grilled into me by my upbringing have just caused me to be despised by the opposite sex.

I'm afraid Colson doesn't even acknowledge one prime reason for the sad marriage situation these days. A lot of us men just don't really cotton to the idea of allowing our lives and everything we've worked for to become subject to destruction by some woman with a whim, a slimy lawyer, and a humped-up liberal judge who thinks he owns everything we have simply by decreeing it.

[CajunConservative]

Maybe if people were taught early on how to treat people with respect the divorce rate would not be so high. People are so concerned with the things in life that they are throwing away the most important things of life and our society is reflecting that right now.

In the pursuit of things people dumped off their children to be raised in day care centers whose main motive was to pack in as many children as possible to keep profits up. A generation later we are reaping what we have sown.

It takes committment through the hard times to make a marriage work. People cut and run when times get tough. It takes effort dedication and a decision to put the needs of the family ahead of the needs of the individual.

[RosieCotton]

I'm a Catholic. I believe there is more to marriage than sex and reproduction, though certainly those are a part of it. And yes, I do want children. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

If that's all it is to you...and you believe there is little to no hope of marriages succeeding...I'm not sure how to continue this discussion.