The New Normal: Singleness in America

BreakPoint ^ | 11 Dec 03 | Chuck Colson

[Mr. Silverback]

A pair of magazine articles recently revealed some intriguing facts about marriage and singleness in America. U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT notes that Americans are getting married later in life. And, according to reporter Michelle Conlin in BUSINESS WEEK, "The U.S. Census Bureau's newest numbers show that married-couple households . . . have slipped from nearly 80 percent in the 1950s to just 50.7 percent [of the population] today. That means that the U.S.'s 86 million single adults could soon define the new majority . . . What many once thought of as the fringe is becoming the new normal."

As a result, the way we view many things -- singleness, marriage, friendships, and institutions -- is changing dramatically. For instance, U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT's article focused on the so-called "Tribal Culture," in which single friends form highly organized groups that serve as a kind of substitute family. One such group, in Denver, has 110 members. But that number pales in comparison to some of the groups that are forming online at websites like Friendster.com where literally thousands of people meet to form social networks.

The existence of these "tribes" and these statistics tell us something about ourselves, the way we're wired. We are social beings: We need family and community -- even in a culture that prizes autonomy above all things. But BUSINESS WEEK's reporter sees a quite different meaning in the trend she calls "the new normal." Conlin argues that benefits like insurance and Social Security, which have always gone to married couples, should also be extended to singles, cohabiting couples, and homosexuals living together. She writes, "Just because matrimony is good for society doesn't mean that outmoded social benefits are."

Now, first let me say that it's important for Christians, when examining this trend, to avoid pointing fingers or acting as if singles are somehow inferior to married people. Surrounded by a culture fearful of commitment and more interested in "hooking up" than dating, even those who are interested in getting married often have a hard time finding anyone who shares their interest. Also, as Paul teaches in the New Testament, not everyone is called to be married.

However, there's a genuine cause for concern when people cite widespread singleness as an excuse to promote policies that denigrate traditional families. The benefits we give to two-parent families should have nothing to do with how many families there are. It's a recognition of the great importance of a stable family structure to our society, in all kinds of areas -- the strength of the workforce, the emotional health of kids, and even the physical health of adults. These benefits are one way that we encourage standards that reflect the way we were designed to live -- standards like lifelong faithfulness to one person and a committed mother and father for every child. The more we insist on ignoring these standards, the weaker our culture becomes.

Marriage already has enough strikes against it in a culture that largely considers it just one more "lifestyle choice." We don't need to discourage it even more. "The new normal" so-called may change a lot of things, but it shouldn't change the way we look at a God-ordained, time-tested institution. Tribes may have their place in the chaos of postmodern culture, but they are no substitute for marriage and the family.

[VOA]

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[Gabz]

Although I do consider myself to be a decent human being, the plain fact is that I enjoy spending time with my husband and he enjoys spending time with me.

And I don't consider myself to be rare, most people are decent human beings.

[bluejean]

"...there's a genuine cause for concern when people cite widespread singleness as an excuse to promote policies that denigrate traditional families."

Sorry Chuck. Legislation isn't saving, and can't save, the traditional American family. I'm annoyed at being treated like a second-class citizen because I'm single - by Christians and by law and taxes. I work my fair share and more. I could use a few tax breaks taking care of my 'eldering' mother. Laws aren't going to preserve Christianity as it was. It's a post-Christian, nearly post-American society. It's scary, but true.

The only way to get back those traditions and institutions and the respect that once existed for them is for deep change in the HEART, a grassroots longing for those things that gets people looking for them, longing for them, and fighting to preserve them again.

The Supreme Court has almost dictatorial power in this country, and it's out of control. Nothing, seemingly, can stop the descent of this country into anarchy and totolitarianism or some form of socialism/communism.

But the fact that there are millions of single people is just that - a fact - and punishing us for it via taxes and other cultural ostracism isn't going to turn your lost world around.

I'm a single Christian by the way. There, I've said my 2 cents worth.

[Gabz]

Marriage isn't about taking. It's about giving. That's why it's so worthwhile, when done right.

amen

And happy anniversary.

[LWalk18]

If she decides to have kids immediately, instead of waiting; you are expected to support her unilaterial decision.

How is that any different from the past? If you are married, and having sex on a regular basis, you should expect that there is good possibility that your wife will get pregnant. You act like there was some golden era when men could force their wife to have/not have children. The only way to control that is abstinance.

[Jim Cane]

Naive...had to end with another slam, didn't you?

Well, you dance with a scorpion... :^)

You'll do fine. I checked your page. Smart lass, youngish, talented, nice rack...just be merciful to men who show you persistent and lasting kindnesses.

[Texan5]

Here, if you get the house, you also get the payment-ditto the car(s). The custodial parent gets the house as a rule, and sadly, I see a growing number of women walking away and leaving the husband AND kids, sometimes for another man, just like men do for another woman. My own husband had that happen to him. In that case, she has to pay child support, and that is right and fair, although many men have too much pride to collect it, which I consider dumb.

[RosieCotton]

Marriage isn't about taking. It's about giving. That's why it's so worthwhile, when done right.

Very nice post. Thank you!

[Jim Cane]

The only way to get back those traditions and institutions and the respect that once existed for them is for deep change in the HEART, a grassroots longing for those things that gets people looking for them, longing for them, and fighting to preserve them again.

It would help if bureaucrats at all levels of government would get the h3ll out of the way of religion, as the Constitution demands, and not freak out every time someone mentions the name "Jesus" or openly wears a cross in the classroom.

[CajunConservative]

I'm up there helping him clean the gutters.

You're a decent human being. Rare.

Hey, there's lots of us women who are handy around the house and yard! I can float sheetrock and use a drill with the best of them :o)

Heck I just changed the drain trap under the sink because I refuse to pay a plumber a couple of hundred bucks for a $10 job.

[Gottwnz]

As Drew said in office space "Better wear a rubber dude". Or you may end up with a Baskin on your Robbin. ;-)

[ThinkDifferent]

Given the current social environment, where a single man can pretty much get all the sex he wants

Where is your environment located, and would you mind if I dropped by for a visit?

[Texan5]

When you find that man, Rosie, help him with the yardwork, and cook dinner together.

I show my appreciation by helping my husband with the yardwork and gutter cleaning. We also make furniture together on weekends, because we don't work at the same place during the week, and enjoy working together. There are always fresh flowers in our house, and I do cook dinner and make him a drink when he gets home. Mutual respect, and doing things for each other that say "I think you're great the way you are".

[Orangedog]

...although many men have too much pride to collect it, which I consider dumb.

And we have some trouble understanding why you ladies are so pre-occupied with us not leaving the toilet seat up, but we don't think you're all dumb because of it ;P

[larryav8r]

Quite possibly the sanest post in this thread . . . and I say that as one of the single guys. I used to be just like the guys in this thread that blame women for not appreciating how "nice" they are. That is until I finally owned up to the fact that I wasn't being nice because I was nice. I was being manipulative. I would venture to say that many of the alpha males the malcontents in this thread complain about are actually guys who are simply honest and confident about what they want.

As for manipulative females, if you can't figure out you're with one before you get married you're blind, possibly stupid or simply thinking with your--well, you get my point. I would contend the women that manage to completely disguise their true natures before marriage are the exception and not the rule.

Perhaps if you spent less time sampling "shapes,sizes and flavors" and instead sampled personalities you might find the right one.

Now if I could only take my own advice . . .

[bluejean]

"Heck I just changed the drain trap under the sink because I refuse to pay a plumber a couple of hundred bucks for a $10 job."

Heck yeah - in my alter ego, I'm Tool Chick.

[RosieCotton]

Heck I just changed the drain trap under the sink because I refuse to pay a plumber a couple of hundred bucks for a $10 job.

Heh...me too. Except it was the basket assembly, or whatever you call the part that goes between the sink and the drain. Cost me a little more than $10, 'cause I had to buy the tool, but not much. First time I'd done a plumbing job at all, though, so I was pretty darn proud of myself! Silly, I know...

[Texan5]

Horrible law! That law was changed here some years ago-if he asks for a paternity test, she has to do it. And if it isn't his kid, he does NOT have to pay, (nor should he!)

[najida]

Why is it considered rare that a woman can do yard and handy work?
I never considered myself a tomboy, but I learned the basics with my brothers...

Some things I am not great at doing, but I love cutting fire wood, working in the yard, keeping the garden, getting on the roof to put up decorations and building stuff.

OK, that and I inherited my hateshousekeeping gene from my granny.

[RosieCotton]

Thanks. ;-)