No problem, I thought they were cleaning the tanks today, we've got plenty.
Posted on 02/08/2002 11:16:42 AM PST by Cagey
It's Great To Be A Man
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch or fart is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the darn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Here's a couple of starters:
and of course the infamous
And, if you're ever tempted to ask "what on God's green earth does that have to do with Mooses or cheese, and what's this base, all of which are belong to us, well, there's
A couple of points of advice from a scarred veteran - grow a thick skin and find an asbestos suit and a roll of aluminum foil and dive right in. Don't post to "Breaking News" unless it really is or rodents will chew your toes. And there's this guy hanging around named Jim Robinson - pay no attention, he's the guy behind the curtain...
Truth be told, all you really need is one good coffee mug.
No problem, I thought they were cleaning the tanks today, we've got plenty.
I mentioned that it was his first time ever away from home - might have been coincidence, but there have been many cases of movies having adverse influence on young skulls full of mush - remember "Train Spotting"? Remember "Natural Born Killers"
Hey, no religion bashing, remember!
> > HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
> >1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave >them in a pile.
>2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, > shake wiener at her making "woo-woo" sound.
>3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to > see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the > mirror and scratch your butt
>4. Get in the shower.
>5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
>6. Wash your face.
>7. Wash you armpits.
>8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
>9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
>10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and > surrounding area.
>11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
>12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
>13. Make a shampoo mohawk.
>14. Peek out of the shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror > again.
>15. Pee (in the shower).
>16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the >floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole >time.
>17. Partially dry off.
>18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size > again.
>19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
>20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
>21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass > your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the > "woo- woo" sound again.
>22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed > ....
Hey, no religion bashing, remember!
Reb, this is NOT religion bashing..... I married these two strictly because I couldn't choose between them... They didn't even know about each other until a recent thread...but then they realized that they had met in a bar one night while comparing notes on who had the bitchiest wife!
MALE LANGUAGE PATTERNS
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS:
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS:
"It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS:
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS:
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS:
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS:
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS:
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS:
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS:
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS:
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS:
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS:
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS:
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS:
"I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
Joe Souchery's companion piece to "What Women Really Mean".
LOL---that is soooooooo my dad! He'll open a door glance in the room/cupboard and declare the item lost.
Old man? Old? Aren't you 28 and Cagey 32?????
I haven't been able to get in the garage for 15 years. Oh my God! Does that mean?????
"Are you still talking?"
This is my favorite! lol Thanks T.....
Uh...changing an engine is women's work?
As opposed to something more pleasant, like unstopping a backed up toilet.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.