Pre-Cana: Should it be Catholic or non-denominational?

[provakatuer]

I am interested in collecting stories of Catholic couples who have gone through pre-cana programs and been shocked by what they heard/learned. These programs are supposed to prepare couples for Catholic life, but have devolved into recommending birth control in some cases. Most of the time, participants are not aware they are involved in a Catholic program at all. Any personal experiences or contacts would be appreciated.

[WriteOn]

Lol. We hadn't been to Church in years when we decided to get married (12 years ago.) We went to the parish priest of my brother-in-law. He agreed to marry us in the Church and we met with him twice. I told him I was more of a zen bhuddist than a Catholic and that my wife and I were living together. This was in Madison, Wisconsin.

The priest, effectively, told me there was room for zen bhuddists in the Church.

Now I'm a rabid Catholic. Did he make a mistake? :-)

[Polycarp]

Instead of a pre-cana program, we were given a "sponsor couple" to meet with. We went over some cotton-candy fluff materials about marriage which contained absolutely zero meat and potatoes Catholic teaching on marriage and its duties.

One page mentioned contraception and conscience, but not the Church's teachings. The sponsor couple blushed, said "You guys will figure out what works for you," and passed on to the next subject.

It was woefully inadequate. It was not even remotely "Catholic."

I have subsequently given talks at pre-cana classes on contraception, its sinfulness, and what constitutes grave reasons for having recourse to NFP.

I wish we had heard the talk I now give.

Maybe then we wouldn't have used abortifacient birth control pills for the first year of our marriage.

God have Mercy on our newlyweds; deliver them from the culture of death, Lord.

pinging for other views/input.

[Polycarp]

Now I'm a rabid Catholic.

I wear a 3 inch St Benedict crucifix. Recently I was shopping in a bookstore while out of town. The clerk saw my crucifix and asked if I were a minister. I replied, "No, I'm just a rabid Catholic."

She took a step back and with a look of consternation said, "Oh...OK...well...be careful."

[Gophack]

It depends on the diocese and the priest who is marrying the couple. My husband and I went to the classes before we were married in the church, and most of it was boring (I don't remember much) and they crammed a lot of stuff in a short period of time, mostly how important different things were to us so we could discuss any potential differences or conflicts before we were married, etc.

However, I will say that our pre-marital class was the first place I had ever heard about Natural Family Planning, and I've practiced it ever since.

[ArrogantBustard]

Sorry to disappoint, but...

Mrs. Bustard and I did the "Engaged Encounter Weekend" in one of the most notoriously "liberal" dioceses on the East Coast. Contraception was explicitly condemned. Most of the rest was either squishy psychology or stuff about learning to live with a fallible human being. Generally decent, and occasionally useful stuff. Of course, this was many years ago.

[SuziQ]

We did a Marriage Preparation class given at the college parish by an Episcopalian priest. Why Fr. Farrell didn't give it, I don't remember. It was an ecumenical thing because there were couples of several different faiths attending. When the priest started talking about sexual relations, one couple got so upset they turned red and left. Sir SuziQ and I talked to the Epis. priest later and told him that there was no way we could discuss things in a group if those folks were planning on staying. They stayed, we left.

We later attended a pre-Cana talk given by a wonderful couple on the MS. Gulf Coast. Very pro-life, very much against contraceptives. We discussed the older form of natural family planning (before sympto-thermal), but it was definitely in the vein of 'being open to accept children when God sends them'. The thing I remember most from the weekend was the statement that if they convinced some of the couples NOT to get married, then they were doing a good job. They were making sure that we all understood perfectly what Sacramental Marriage was, and that it was for a LIFETIME!

Oddly, I attended my first NFP class when I was 8 months pregnant with our first. I got some funny looks, that's for sure. But that was 24 yrs. and 4 kids ago, so I guess we learned something!

[sinkspur]

We are one of the "sponsor" couples at our parish; each engaged couple is required to have one, and we meet with each one at least three times. We met with two couples four times, and both decided to postpone the ceremony or cancel the engagement altogether (both of which were a very good thing).

We've been doing this for about eight years and still count as friends four of the couples.

These sessions are for facilitating the discussion of issues, and we discuss whatever issues the psychological profiles they fill out dictate.

I have no idea what shape the pre-Cana program is in in our diocese, except that most couples tell me the day is a waste of time.

[Askel5]

One page mentioned contraception and conscience, but not the Church's teachings. The sponsor couple blushed, said "You guys will figure out what works for you," and passed on to the next subject.

Anyone we know?

[madprof98]

My wife and I have been a sponsor couple to quite a few engaged couples. This weekend, in fact, our parish priest blessed our new house, and we used the occasion as a get-together for them. We actually have to go beyond the materials in the church-supplied booklet to get at some of the issues in marriage. The booklet is not only evasive on questions of sex; it really skips over the issue of children altogether, even though it seems to us that forming families is really what marriage is about.

[Scupoli]

These sessions are for facilitating the discussion of issues, and we discuss whatever issues the psychological profiles they fill out dictate.

I have no idea what shape the pre-Cana program is in in our diocese, except that most couples tell me the day is a waste of time.

I have to agree with your sentiments here. I know of one couple who years ago went through the Engaged Encounter weekend. They thought it was great. Today their marriage is a match made in hell with rampant affairs and miserable, suffering children. The only reason they are not divorced is because they are afraid to be alone. I know another couple who went through the weekly group sessions. They found them boring and not helpful at all. The woman had to insist her fiance go so they could get married in the Church. He was not a religious person. They ended up skipping the last one or two classes. The guy was a major con artist and user. She had doubts but didn't call off the wedding because everything was set, paid for, and the invitations were out. She also had a lot of pressure from her family "not to embarrass them". The marriage lasted a year and blessedly she got an annulment.

Marriage preparation as it is is woefully inadequate. She said that she wished the amount of effort and self reflection it took for the annulment was required to get married. It would have saved her a big mistake.

If we want to decrease divorces and annulments, we need to focus on creating healthy marriages.

[Salvation]

The Engaged Encounter weekend is an excellent possibility in this area too.

Engaged coupless, separate wings for women and men, intense dialogue about life issues, God issues, family issues, trust issues and sexuality.

I will post a link.

[Salvation]

Engaged Encounter

This is an excellent weekend program for a pre-Cana wedding preparation.

[Salvation]

Scheduled Engaged Encounter weekends for January, February and March of 2003

[.45MAN]

Thanks for the bump... I also have a St.Benedict crucifix on my rosary and have been asked many times what it is...

[WriteOn]

Lol. I hope you weren't drooling, too:-)

[Invincibly Ignorant]

Now I'm a rabid Catholic. Did he make a mistake? :-)

Yes.

[WriteOn]

What mistake do you think he made?:-)

[american colleen]

Pre-Cana classes? Never went. We went to my parish priest, told him we wanted to get married in the Church (religious reasons for me) but that my husband wasn't Catholic and I was only a sporadic Mass attender, told him we were living together and we didn't want to go to Pre-Cana classes. So he said OK! and asked me to CONSIDER bringing up whatever kids we might have as Catholics. We were married (no Mass, a ceremony) a month later.

This same priest is one of the founders of Voice of the Faithful and is a proponent of doing away with personal confession - he uses general absolution and has used it for more than 20 years, he's for popular election of bishops and an election board for hiring/firing priests - I often wonder if we are really married in the eyes of the Church! I think this priest is a Universalist Uniterian with a liberal Episcopalian Congregationalist bend.

[OLD REGGIE]

I think this priest is a Universalist Uniterian with a liberal Episcopalian Congregationalist bend.

My kinda guy.