Posted on 05/29/2014 9:19:42 AM PDT by SeekAndFind
After sharing my story of overcoming homosexuality with the Prodigal community last month, I have been approached by more people than ever whose stories and struggles are similar to mine asking for more specifics about how I went from being attracted to women to legitimately being attracted to men.
Also interesting, I have been approached by heterosexual people who have never struggled with same sex attraction wanting to know more about the mystery that is homosexuality and seeking to understand its dynamics and how a person can “get there”.
Regardless of the background of those who inquire about my struggle, the conversation that follows both angles of questioning is mostly the same, and I find it to be a place where bridges are being built. Up to now, the inability to understand our differences has given place for anger and hostility to rise between the two perspectives, but I believe a new conversation is unfolding where compassion will take root.
With no frame of reference within themselves, it’s sometimes difficult for those who have never experienced same sex attraction to understand, and it’s a challenge for their spiritual growth to actively love and choose not to view those who do struggle as intentionally deviant.
Those who are attracted to the same sex usually can’t fathom an existence where it’s not at least something of a perfectly natural temptation, and struggle not to view those who say they can’t relate to them as unenlightened bigots. From their perspective, it is really hard to get your head around the lack of sympathy.
I want to share more details about my process here in the name of bridge building.
–so this is not intended to be an oversimplified answer that is applicable to everyone, but I’ve seen evidence that the more people who have been on both sides of the issue and are willing to share their perspectives, the better off our culture will be.
Because I fought my sexuality so adamantly, I was not in many long-term relationships with women. But there were a few women I was especially attracted to – enough so that I was willing to suspend my convictions and attempt to form a relationship. These usually lasted just a few months. The relationships were characterized by a kind of manic excitement at first, with undertones of fear of abandonment and jealousy in place from the start.
Over a short period of time the undertones would become defining marks of the relationship, and I would hold the person tightly to myself with the sense that letting go would be losing not only them, but part of me.
The relationships would become either a highly dysfunctional tug of war of control and jealousy or a symbiotic existence of codependency and expectations that mounted too high for either person to achieve. In either scenario, disappointment and heartache were certain to follow. In reflecting on the way my relationships went when I gave in to my same sex attractions,
–over time I began to realize that the women I was drawn to were women who had either physical characteristics or personality traits that I felt were inadequate in my own expression of womanhood.
For example, I was mostly drawn to bubbly personalities because I am a quiet and serious person much of the time. Or I was drawn to petite women because with my larger frame, I never felt I fit the bill for what a woman should look like to be considered attractive in our society. When this first occurred to me, it didn’t seem that wrong because even heterosexual couples seek people who complement their weaknesses. Opposites attract.
Then I saw that anytime I was hurt by my partner, the pain was so deep it was as if my sense of womanhood was being threatened. I was controlling, possessive and expressed a strong need for agreement and affirmation because I had somewhere in the process looped this person into my identity as an inseparable part of me.
Any action they took that indicated a distinction between us as people resulted in a fight. I felt either legitimized as a valuable person or completely worthless based on their everyday responses to me. When I first began to see and understand that this is what was at work in me, I started to rise up a little bit against it. The foundations of my faith gave me the understanding that I could and should call out to God for completion and identity in these areas instead of trying to draw it out of a relationship with a woman, or any human for that matter.
The revelation came that I was engaging in idolatry, expecting wholeness and fulfillment from something and someone that wasn’t designed to give it to me, and I was valuing that as primary to God. It was angering and humiliating when I saw that I was underestimating my own womanhood and allowing some other woman to define what was rightfully and uniquely mine to express.
–and I started looking for that affirmation in the mirror – the one I dressed in front of each day and the one in the Word of God. I wasn’t immediately changed entirely. The habits of my emotions and sexuality were forces to be reckoned with for sure (that’s where the “fight” came in), but I was free from the trappings that would draw me back in with any real level of expectation.
Freedom introduced a new level of logic I had not experienced in my struggle before, and as a result I never engaged the idea of a same sex relationship again with any sense of merit or as a legitimate option for my life.
As time went on and my expression of womanhood became more clear and defined in me, I grew in confidence, and began to look at men with new eyes. Over time I began to evaluate what I would want in a man, and it became very clear to me that I was certain my attraction to women had ended I was in fact sexually and emotionally attracted to men.
In addition to a beautiful marriage, God has added to my life the joy of godly, healthy friendships with other women. I couldn’t imagine my life another way. Here are the concerns that bring questions to my heart as I continue to live this story:
How can we be about the business of building bridges between those who experience same sex attraction and those who don’t?
How can we begin to have this conversation in healthy and productive ways in our culture?
Are we digging deep, as Christians, finding honor for all people?
Good one!
LOL! A very succinct explanation.
The money-quote...a lesson for all of us:
“The revelation came that I was engaging in idolatry, expecting wholeness and fulfillment from something and someone that wasn’t designed to give it to me, and I was valuing that as primary to God. It was angering and humiliating when I saw that I was underestimating my own womanhood and allowing some other woman to define what was rightfully and uniquely mine to express.”
Thanks for the post.
Here it is: http://utmost.org/classic/the-discipline-of-disillusionment-classic/
FReeper vision posts a daily Oswald Chambers thread from My Utmost For His Highest here on FR...
Negotiating price with other men, who will almost invariably demand more money out of a woman than they would dare with a man.
That is a given. I was in the car business for over 20 years and always enjoyed a woman who knew how to negotiate, they are rare but they are out there. My mother was and still is antique dealer so I came by it honest.
Always watch closely body shops and service depts. that is who nails women the worst in the car business.
‘Yep, that’s pretty much how I see it too...........but you forgot to add “somebody to bitch at when all the above chores have been completed” ‘
That is kind of a given and it is also a 2 way street. She has to endure your political work stories. I figured it was a wash.
“Also interesting, I have been approached by heterosexual people who have never struggled with same sex attraction wanting to know more about the mystery that is homosexuality and seeking to understand its dynamics and how a person can “get there””
No mystery about it. It’s all about sex? Nothing more. Most lesbians and all homosexual men are sexual predators, the more sex partners the better. This “marriage” with just one person stuff really cracks me up, when the majority of them want to have threesomes and foursomes each and every night and see nothing at all wrong with it, and a lot of them are in relationships exactly like that. So look for a dyke or fag to be the first to sue some state because he/she wants to “marry” five or six other he/shes. The more the merrier, and the more government freebies from democrats. It’s sex, sex and nothing else.
Loobs? Doobs, maybe? But definitely not moobs.
ping for later.
Good article. One thing that stands out to me in this issue, is this: if we are created in the image of God, and we know homosexuality is an abomination to God, how does it translate that those (professing Christians) who practice it can say that God created them like this? THAT is blasphemy! I’m certain that part of the problem is that those who start to fantasize the attraction do NOT seek godly counsel at a time when they COULD get help. Seeking psychological help is like the blind leading the blind. The further in one goes, the more one sees sin as anything but sin. You convince yourself that God must have loved you as a homosexual if you are overcome by the desire. We have long ago stopped seeking to live for God alone, and instead we seek His blessings on our own choices in life.
Great article. Yet another leaves the lesbian lifestyle.
Fascinating article and perspective.
*ALMOST*????
You have a strong stomach there.
Yes.
Some of what renders men appealing is masculinity. No wussy men for us.
I could do all that stuff myself or hire someone out to do it with considerably less aggravation than marrying a man is worth, but OTOH, I wouldn’t trade being married for anything in the world.
There are some of us out there who do not look at men as live in bondservants.
‘There are some of us out there who do not look at men as live in bondservants.’
I must have names and phone numbers of these women. Pics would also be preferred.:)
Now you mean to tell me, imagine there are no Mexicans, that you could kill mice, spiders, take out the garbage, dig postholes, herd cattle, castrate the male cattle, fix a tractor, remember to get the oil changed, balance a checkbook, do the taxes, get rid of a wasp nest, work a paying job 60-80 hours/week, put new flashlight batteries in, set the clocks forward or back depending on the time of year, mow the lawn while smiling at neighbors you can’t stand, investigate a strange noise usually outside in your drawers and sometimes without in Jan., remember where the cutoff valve for the water is, reset a breaker while you try to find the flashlight in the dark, find the flashlight and wonder why you didn’t put in new batteries, cut, split and stack enuff firewood to heat a small city, check the washer fluid in the cars, check the oil, rotate the tires on the afore mentioned cars, walk the dog, and put the lid back on the toothpaste, you can do all that, are you blonde, wear blue tights and a red cape and have a big red S emblazoned on your chest? If so forget the other women’s names and numbers, I have been looking for you all my life. Send info.:)
Gargantuan Ick.
Now you mean to tell me, imagine there are no Mexicans, that you could that you could:
-kill mice - I set the mouse traps
-spiders - yes
- take out the garbage - yes, done that
- dig postholes - not yet but am capable
- herd cattle - never done that, no opportunity to try yet.
-castrate the male cattle - no opportunity for that either
-fix a tractor - does working on my own car count?
- remember to get the oil changed - do that
- balance a checkbook - do that ALL the time for the last 35 years
- do the taxes - if I don’t keep track of the forms and nag mr. mm, they don’t get done
- get rid of a wasp nest - I know how but have not yet done it.
-work a paying job 60-80 hours/week - Motherhood = 24/7
- put new flashlight batteries in - if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, neither does the TP get changed
- set the clocks forward or back depending on the time of year - twice a year
- mow the lawn while smiling at neighbors you can’t stand - yup, with a hand push mower to boot
- investigate a strange noise usually outside in your drawers and sometimes without in Jan. - I would not do that to anyone, but I do check out strange noises
- remember where the cutoff valve for the water is - yes, and do it before leaving on vacation
- reset a breaker while you try to find the flashlight in the dark - yes
-find the flashlight and wonder why you didn’t put in new batteries - yes
- cut, split and stack enuff firewood to heat a small city - done my share of cutting and stacking to heat the house.
- check the washer fluid in the cars - yes
- check the oil - yes and change it and do a lube job.
- rotate the tires on the afore mentioned cars - yes, and know how to mark them so they go on correctly
- walk the dog - don’t have a dog, thank God.
- and put the lid back on the toothpaste - yes
-you can do all that, are you blonde - yes
- wear blue tights - not any more
and a red cape and have a big red S emblazoned on your chest?
If so forget the other women’s names and numbers, I have been looking for you all my life. Send info.:) - already taken. Sorry.....
’ Send info.:) - already taken. Sorry.....’
The good ones always are. Story of my life.:(
Bwahahaha!
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