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Posted on 01/18/2012 6:23:53 PM PST by EnglishCon
So, after a week in hospital, I came home, still feeling cranky, dispirited and totally useless. Feeling old and worthless, to be honest. 20 hour days in your thirties are fine. At my age, they try to kill you.
The week in hospital was not pleasant. Oh, the doctors did a good job, balanced my body again, fed me well both food wise (as well as they can with a dietician watching) and intravenously and made damn sure I slept a lot, but they could not do much about the feeling of betrayal I felt with myself. I have always worked hard, played hard and taken pride in both. Now, suddenly, I can not.
There is something I don’t talk about a whole lot, since it is no one’s business but mine, but I am actually a fairly devout person. Hard to believe, given the amount of swearing I do and my propensity for violence as my first port of call, but I am. The day after I came home, I asked our priest to visit, since I could not manage the walk to the church. We talked for several hours. Sure, he made sure he stayed to dinner, my missus being a superb cook, but it was worse than confession. At least then, when you bare your soul and sins, you do not see his face.
Somehow, I wound up agreeing to a retreat. Not retreat as in running away from my problems, but a time out to think, pray and get my courage back.
There are a lot more monasteries out there than you might think. Most are small now, three or four monks and a prior, but they all take in the heart sick, to give them time to contemplate. Time to breathe and to simply be, with no distractions. Of course, as part of a healthy mind is a body that works, I worked. Gentle stuff, washing dishes, assisting with cooking and laundry, all the while talking with the brother that had the duty, during the times talking was permitted. The brothers were both tolerant of and mindful of my physical weakness. Significantly less tolerant were they of my moral weaknesses.
A large part of the tranquility of a monastery comes from the regular, invariable order of the day. The prayers and Mass’, the times for work and the times of silence. By the second day, I had relaxed into the routine completely, feeling my pains ease and my mind slowing to a sensible speed.
It was on the evening of the fourth day that I had my first interview with Father John. Oh, we had talked already during work time, but of inconsequential things, or so I had thought, not realising he was a priest as well as a brother. What I had not realised is this peaceful, wise man had pretty much managed to get my life story out of me. Many of my frustrations, fears, wrongs both committed and received, hopes and joys were known to him already.
He did judge. He did not condemn. Instead, he explained. Most of what he said to me over the course of the next three days is both private and personal. But there is one thing that I do wish to share, it was important enough to me that I wrote it down.
“Within these walls, it is easy, as God is ever before us and worshipping and serving him is our only goal. Yet even here there is temptation and dispute. Much greater is the temptation for people who live in the world. Yet it is those who live in the world who are the main force for right and good.”
I thought about that statement much more than I should have. I ain’t exactly a good person - arrogant, short tempered, aggressive, vain and downright vindictive at times, according to both family and friends. Not what you consider “good” material, though I try.
I came away from the retreat with more questions than answers, though with one thing firmly stuck in my head.
Retreat is not always a bad thing. It can be a time to regroup, not a sign of defeat.
Mods, please move if in the wrong place.
Where ever it belongs, thanks for posting.
I’ve done health well being retreats in California and the Mass Berkshires. It does great wonders even for three days. The last time I went for ten days and quit my nightmare job. Ahhhh.
Thanks for sharing. Even the strongest among us, sometimes need time for respite and to collect their strength.
Godspeed and goodwill to you, FRiend.
Thank you for this. If only more of us could retreat.
Whether you call it a retreat or not, the need is a real one. There are times when you need to get alone with God and let him be alone with you.
And that does seem to require getting out of your familiar space, and away from phones and internet if possible.
Very nice. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for posting this. Beautifully written, and moving.
As a lay Buddhist, I have often spent a great deal of time in retreat. When there was no workable Buddhist place to do so during one period while living in New Mexico, I went to the Catholic monastery, Christ in the Desert for a week. It was a sublime setting for retreat.
I have heard there was a reality show in England where a number of young, male “contestants” went to live in a monastery for an extended period. Not sure if it was Anglican or Catholic, but a sizable portion of the young men decided to stay on, or came back shortly after returning to “the world.”
Then again, in “Road to Heaven,” a book about Chinese Buddhist hermits, there is a Chinese saying with similar sentiments to the priest in this post: “The small hermit lives on a mountain. The great hermit lives in a town.”
Peace be with you.
One of the things I learned is that we - the devout of all denominations living in the world - are the foot soldiers.
I don’t know if I can accept the responsibility. I shall try.
Sorry, JoeFromSydney, that was meant as a reply to EnglishCon.
Freep-mail me to get on or off my pro-life and Catholic List:
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My thanks.
My wife is Buddhist, though an ex-Catholic. One thing I envy is the tranquility most Buddhists have, though that is not my personal path.
I recall the show, though it is not something I watched. It was funny in the press though - their shock that people would turn their back on the world.
If you can retreat, do so. Carve a little space out of your day to talk with God and actually listen. Too my mind, many people - not here, I hasten to add - only talk to God when they want something. More simply forget, as the day to day business of living takes priority.
I did not want to go on retreat. Probably the name. But am glad I did. It reminded me of what is important.
Your wife is still a Catholic. The Sacrament of Baptism leaves a permanent mark on her soul. She is always welcome to come back to the church — she’s just an inactive Catholic, that’s all.
That she is. She just walks a different path to the Truth.
EnglishCon,
yours is a good reminder to us all. This type of retreat is a blessing, and certainly worth the time. By virtue of the subject matter, I think that you’ve placed this right where it should be. And seriously, thank you for sharing it with us. A life of contemplative prayer is a worthy thing, even when temporary and brief.
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