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Chloroform in Print Does the Book of Mormon get a bad rap?
Slate.com ^ | May 17, 2010 | Alan Wolfe

Posted on 05/18/2010 7:40:38 AM PDT by Colofornian

To a nonbeliever, all religions perplex, but Mormonism perplexes absolutely. Let me immediately qualify that remark. To the non-Mormon faithful, and especially those conservative Protestants who consider it an anti-Christian sect, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is hardly a religion at all.

Hostility toward Mormonism has many sources. A religion established in the 19th century has not had the time to establish its teachings as timeless. A religion founded in the United States lacks the exoticism of those more directly connected to the mysterious Middle East. A religion that once allowed randy elders to possess child brides and consigned its young males to oblivion makes the Catholic Church's problems with wayward priests seem like a mere episode of, well, waywardness. A religion whose followers show a pronounced tendency to become CEOs of some of America's largest corporations is bound to arouse envy.

Not least, there is the Book of Mormon itself. This text, depending on where one stands on the Mormon question, was either discovered by the 17-year-old Joseph Smith in upstate New York after the Angel Moroni directed him to golden plates written in reformed Egyptian, or it was the product of a budding confidence man who copied and pasted other pieces of scripture into a totally improbable tale in which ancient Israelites found their way to the New World. Whatever one's views on the authenticity of the text, it has been widely regarded as a rather inferior work of literature, especially when compared to the King James Bible. "Chloroform in print," is Mark Twain's famous dismissal of it.

SNIP

...I simply cannot imagine anyone setting those words to music the way Handel did with the Bible in his oratorios. The Book of Mormon has a structure. It does not sing.

(Excerpt) Read more at slate.com ...


TOPICS: History; Other Christian; Religion & Culture
KEYWORDS: beck; bookofmormon; glennbeck; lds; mormon
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To: Graybeard58

At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients was gaining weight,
so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch. After
eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else. This
became known as the “Moron Tab and Apple Choir”.


61 posted on 05/18/2010 11:26:18 AM PDT by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
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To: Tennessee Nana
 
And Jesus’ terachings were not designed to get him a date and cheat on his wife with immunity or lots of ill gotten gain and control over others..

 


 
Joe: Hey Emma!   Guess what!?
 
Emma: You KNOW I hate these guessing games! What is it, Dear?
 
Joe: I heard a voice, probably the Lord, tell me I must take other wives.
 
Emma: WHAT!?   You ding bat!  Don't you KNOW what our precious BOOK says?   After all; YOU are the one that translated it!
 
Joe: Books; schmooks.   All I know is I've been COMMANDED to take other wives and you are to OBEY ME!!!
 
 
Emma:      "Though shalt NOT commit ADULTERY!!!"
 
 
Joe: Silly Woman!  You KNOW better than to take things out of CONTEXT!!!
 
 
 
 
 

 
...and the rest is HISTORY...
 

 
 
 
 
 
THE BOOK OF JACOB
THE BROTHER OF NEPHI
CHAPTER 2
 
  24 Behold, David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me, saith the Lord.
  25 Wherefore, thus saith the Lord, I have led this people forth out of the land of Jerusalem, by the power of mine arm, that I might raise up unto me a righteous branch from the fruit of the loins of Joseph.
  26 Wherefore, I the Lord God will not suffer that this people shall do like unto them of old.
  27 Wherefore, my brethren, hear me, and hearken to the word of the Lord: For there shall not any man among you have save it be one wife; and concubines he shall have none;
  28 For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts.
  29 Wherefore, this people shall keep my commandments, saith the Lord of Hosts, or cursed be the land for their sakes.
  30 For if I will, saith the Lord of Hosts, raise up seed unto me, I will command my people; otherwise they shall hearken unto these things.
  31 For behold, I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands.
  32 And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts.
 

Or even HERE:
 

 1 Timothy 3:2-3
 2.  Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,
 3.  not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.
 
 
1 Timothy 3:12
   A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well.
 
 
 Titus 1:6
   An elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient.



 
 
Emma: That's IT!   I'm LEAVING your sorry *!!!
 
Joe:  DARN you Emma; you were TOLD to accept this!!   Wait!!!   I hear a voice again!!!
 
 


 
THE
DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS
OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS
SECTION 132
 
  51–57, Emma Smith is counseled (commanded) to be faithful and true; 58–66, Laws governing the plurality of wives are set forth.
 
 
  51 Verily, I say unto you: A commandment I give unto mine handmaid, Emma Smith, your wife, whom I have given unto you, that she stay herself and partake not of that which I commanded you to offer unto her; for I did it, saith the Lord, to aprove you all, as I did Abraham, and that I might require an offering at your hand, by covenant and sacrifice.
  52 And let mine handmaid, Emma Smith, areceive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph, and who are virtuous and pure before me; and those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God.
  53 For I am the Lord thy God, and ye shall obey my voice; and I give unto my servant Joseph that he shall be made ruler over many things; for he hath been afaithful over a few things, and from henceforth I will strengthen him.
  54 And I command mine handmaid, Emma Smith, to abide and acleave unto my servant Joseph, and to none else. But if she will not abide this commandment she shall be bdestroyed, saith the Lord; for I am the Lord thy God, and will destroy her if she abide not in my law.
  55 But if she will not abide this commandment, then shall my servant Joseph do all things for her, even as he hath said; and I will bless him and multiply him and give unto him an ahundredfold in this world, of fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, houses and lands, wives and children, and crowns of beternal lives in the eternal worlds.
  56 And again, verily I say, let mine handmaid aforgive my servant Joseph his trespasses; and then shall she be forgiven her trespasses, wherein she has trespassed against me; and I, the Lord thy God, will bless her, and multiply her, and make her heart to brejoice.

62 posted on 05/18/2010 11:27:26 AM PDT by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
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To: Colofornian
 
Note how young the 19th century Mormon wives were!



 
 

                                         Decisions decisions!

 
Fanny Alger
Lucinda Morgan Harris
Louisa Beaman
Zina Huntington Jacobs
Presendia Huntington Buell
Agnes Coolbrith
Sylvia Sessions Lyon
Mary Rollins Lightner
Patty Bartlett Sessions
Marinda Johnson Hyde
Elizabeth Davis Durfee
Sarah Kingsley Cleveland
Delcena Johnson
Eliza R. Snow
Sarah Ann Whitney
Martha McBride Knight
Ruth Vose Sayers
Flora Ann Woodworth
Emily Dow Partridge
Eliza Maria Partridge
Almera Johnson
Lucy Walker
Sarah Lawrence
Maria Lawrence
Helen Mar Kimball
Hanna Ells
Elvira Cowles Holmes
Rhoda Richards
Desdemona Fullmer
Olive Frost
Melissa Lott
Nancy Winchester
Fanny Young
 
Emma Hale only!!
 
 

63 posted on 05/18/2010 11:29:01 AM PDT by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
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To: Elsie

Oh yes Mark Twain also said that if all the “And it came to pass” es had been left out the bom would have only been a pamplet... (Mark Twain, Roughing It)


64 posted on 05/18/2010 11:30:59 AM PDT by Tennessee Nana
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To: Colofornian
And you still perpetrate this twisting.

Why NOT?

One might snag someone who is ignorant of history...

65 posted on 05/18/2010 11:31:17 AM PDT by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
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To: Elsie

the “Moron Tab and Apple Choir”.

ROFLMBO


66 posted on 05/18/2010 11:32:54 AM PDT by Tennessee Nana
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To: Colofornian
A DECEASED woman may be sealed to ALL men to whom she was legally married during her life.”
LDS Church Handbook of Instructions, (LDS Church, Salt Lake City, Utah, 1998), page 72-73, “Sealing Policies”)



67 posted on 05/18/2010 11:33:07 AM PDT by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
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To: Tennessee Nana
The mormon god had lied to Joey Smith...
 


 
 
"Joseph; I advise you not to go to that jail."
 
"Darn gnats!!"
 
 
 
"Joseph; I'm telling you to not to go to that jail."
 
"Flies are BAD today!!"
 
 
 
"Joseph; It ain't gonna be pretty if you ignore me and go to that jail!"
 
"Crummy mosquitos are EVERYWHERE!!!"
 
 
 
"Joseph!  Do NOT go to that jail!"
 
"And those bedbugs really savaged me last night, too!"
 
 
 
"JOSEPH!!  Wake up boy!   Do Not Go To That JAIL!!!"
 
"All right Sheriff - here I am, so give me a nice room while my Lawyer, my Advocate, my Comforter presents the LAW to the Judge and I am VINDICATED!!!"
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

68 posted on 05/18/2010 11:35:33 AM PDT by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
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To: Jack Hydrazine
 
The more you speak the worse it sounds!
 
But WAIT!!!
 
There's MORE!


THE
DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS
OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS
SECTION 129
 
Instructions given by Joseph Smith the Prophet, at Nauvoo, Illinois, February 9, 1843, making known three grand keys by which the correct nature of ministering angels and spirits may be distinguished. HC 5: 267.
1–3, There are both resurrected and spirit bodies in heaven; 4–9, Keys are given whereby messengers from beyond the veil may be identified.
 
  1 There are two kinds of beings in aheaven, namely: bAngels, who are cresurrected personages, having dbodies of flesh and bones—
  2 For instance, Jesus said: Handle me and see, for a spirit hath not aflesh and bones, as ye see me have.
  3 Secondly: the aspirits of bjust men made cperfect, they who are not resurrected, but inherit the same glory.
  4 When a messenger comes saying he has a message from God, offer him your hand and request him to shake hands with you.
  5 If he be an angel he will do so, and you will feel his hand.
  6 If he be the spirit of a just man made perfect he will come in his glory; for that is the only way he can appear—
  7 Ask him to shake hands with you, but he will not move, because it is contrary to the aorder of heaven for a just man to bdeceive; but he will still deliver his message.
  8 If it be the adevil as an angel of light, when you ask him to shake hands he will offer you his hand, and you will not bfeel anything; you may therefore detect him.
  9 These are three grand akeys whereby you may know whether any administration is from God.
 

69 posted on 05/18/2010 11:40:22 AM PDT by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
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To: Tennessee Nana
 
Actually Joey Smith was cheating on his wife Emma back in 1831, 13 years before he got himself killed in a gunfight, and just a year or two after he had founded his own new religion..
 

JESUS: Hey Smith!
Remember that boast you made about doing more than even I had done to hold the 'church' together?

JOSEPH SMITH: Where am I?

JESUS: Don't you remember? A few seconds ago you were in that jail.

JOSEPH SMITH: Oh; yeah; but where am I NOW?

JESUS: Don't you remember? Does bang - bang ring a bell?

JOSEPH SMITH: Oh; yeah - that crummy gun I had was about USELESS!

JESUS: I hope you left instructions on how to hold your church together.

JOSEPH SMITH: Dang! I knew there was SOMETHING I was forgetting!

JESUS: Looks like there's a power struggle going on down there.

JOSEPH SMITH: Yeah; there was always SOMEone who wanted the power that I held - especially over the LADIES - wink wink.

JESUS: No need to worry about that now; remember what my friend Matthew wrote down?

JOSEPH SMITH: This? “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven” (Matthew 22:30)

JESUS: That's it.

JOSEPH SMITH: I thought that was mistranslated.

JESUS: Nah - it was right.

JOSEPH SMITH: Oh well; it was fun while it lasted. My buds will still get it on with the girls.

JESUS: Uh; I'm sorry; in just a few more years; your followers will cavein to the United States government and abandon the 'Eternal Covenant' that you came up with.

JOSEPH SMITH: ME!? YOU are the one that told me to do that!

JESUS: Sorry; but you must have mistranslated what I told you. What part of Do NOT commit ADULTERY did you not understand?

JOSEPH SMITH: mumble....

JESUS: What did you say?

JOSEPH SMITH: Oh, nothing.

JESUS: Well; it was interesting talking to you; but now I must get back to perparing a place for those who believe in Me.

JOSEPH SMITH: Oh, yeah; the Celestial Kingdom.

JESUS: No...

JOSEPH SMITH: The Telestial one?

JESUS: Nope.

JOSEPH SMITH: SUREly not the TERRESTRIAL one!!

JESUS: Nope. Didn't you read that the mind of man had NOT conceived of it? Paul wrote it down in 1 Corinthians 2:9.

JOSEPH SMITH: I thought that was mistranslated.

JESUS: No; it wasn't.

JOSEPH SMITH: You SURE?

JESUS: Yes. Now I must be going: what did you say your name was again?

JOSEPH SMITH: Joseph Smith.

JESUS: Hmmmm. According to my Heavenly Facebook, you didn't sign in as one of my friends - sorry, I never knew you.

JOSEPH SMITH: But....


70 posted on 05/18/2010 11:41:37 AM PDT by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
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To: svcw

THX1138


71 posted on 05/18/2010 11:54:25 AM PDT by svcw (Habakkuk 2:3)
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To: ketelone
People probably thought this way about Jesus or Muhammad once, as they do about Joseph Smith today. A thousand years on, mebbe we’ll ALL be mormons.

I don't recall Jesus sticking his head into a hat and 'translating' any so-called golden plates with a smooth piece of agate.

72 posted on 05/18/2010 12:05:27 PM PDT by Godzilla (3-7-77)
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To: Elsie
Re: post #57: I counted ten times this needless phrase, "It came to pass" -- something uttered hundreds of times by Smith.

If this really was part of the "gold-plate based translation," why would Nephi put this phrase in over & over when "Jacob" said elsewhere:
"Now, behold," ["behold" was Smith's other overused space-filler -- a dozen times in Moroni, chapter 7 alone!!!] ...
..."it came to pass that I, Jacob, having ministered much unto my people in word (and I cannot write but a little of my words, because of the difficulty of engraving our words upon plates)..." (Jacob 4:1) ???

Why does it take Nephi 57 words to say 59 years past in 4 Nephi 1:6 if Jacob indicates only "but a little of my words" can be included "because of the difficulty of engraving"???

Can you say incredulity?

73 posted on 05/18/2010 2:35:31 PM PDT by Colofornian ("As the fLDS are, the LDS once were. As the fLDS are, the LDS will become.")
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To: Colofornian

“It came to pass that I was unable to engrave three words but it came to pass with much difficulty I could engrave fifty seven” (DUH 1:1)


74 posted on 05/18/2010 4:30:42 PM PDT by Tennessee Nana
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To: Colofornian; teppe

You probably won’t get through ... .

It is unnatural for two women to share the same man. It is the way God planned it and why there was trouble between Sarah and Hagar and Jacob, Leah and Rachel. Need I mention David and the problems with Bathsheba ... . It’s NEVER a good situation for MANY women married to ONE man.

Some people like teppe, would prefer that being DISOBEDIENT to one man and one man in marraige being Biblically correct doesn’t suit them. THIS has ALWAYS been God’s plan - ALWAYS - since Adam and Eve - ONE MAN for ONE WOMAN.


75 posted on 05/18/2010 4:36:35 PM PDT by nmh (Intelligent people recognize Intelligent Design (God).)
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To: nmh; teppe
Some people like teppe, would prefer that being DISOBEDIENT to one man and one man in marraige being Biblically correct doesn’t suit them. THIS has ALWAYS been God’s plan - ALWAYS - since Adam and Eve - ONE MAN for ONE WOMAN.

Excellent summation.

Yes, Teppe knows all about even the Book of Mormon labeling polygamy for David & Solomon as an "abomination." But Joseph Smith ignored that; Brigham Young ignored that; and all the Lds "prophets" did to boot. Teppe is following in that same discipleship pattern.

But as for your comment on God's plan -- God's design. Indeed. Both Genesis AND Jesus (Jesus in Matt. 19) said the design for one man, one woman was one flesh. Diversity within unity -- just like our God is. Jesus knew not of teaching wives becoming "one flesh" with "sister" wives.

I mean, Teppe, you don't think that two women sharing the same husband join together as "one flesh" among two women, do you? (And if you do, doesn't that also open the door to lesbian "marriages"?) If you don't, pray tell, tell us all how one man and five women come together as "one" flesh per Genesis 2 and Matt. 19?

76 posted on 05/18/2010 4:59:35 PM PDT by Colofornian ("As the fLDS are, the LDS once were. As the fLDS are, the LDS will become.")
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To: Godzilla

Mate, walking on water, and pulling fish out of thin air is no less and no more kooky than the things that Joseph whatsis did. And lets be honest, dying, and then coming back to life sounds pretty consarned suspect to me.

My point is, all religions start off sounding ridiculous, and then gain popularity in time.


77 posted on 05/18/2010 9:50:10 PM PDT by ketelone
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To: ketelone
Mate, walking on water, and pulling fish out of thin air is no less and no more kooky than the things that Joseph whatsis did.

Oh really? When did smith perform miracles over nature?

And lets be honest, dying, and then coming back to life sounds pretty consarned suspect to me.

Indeed - yet the empty tomb still speaks to this event in history.

My point is, all religions start off sounding ridiculous, and then gain popularity in time.

Not really - Only the false ones sound like a side show barker. Christianity started off with physical threats and death sentences. Are you willing to die for something you know is 'ridiculous'?

78 posted on 05/19/2010 8:45:02 AM PDT by Godzilla (3-7-77)
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