Posted on 07/26/2006 6:47:38 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
NASHVILLE - Citing a "gathering threat to our membership," the Southern Baptist Convention Sunday launched pre-emptive strikes on rival Assembly of God mega-churches in the South, leaving charred ruins where church signs and marquees once stood. Hours later, the SBC issued a statement justifying the unilateral action.
"Hostilities will escalate unless we get inspectors in there to see which of our members were stolen away by this flaky Pentecostal nonsense," says one SBC official.
The SBC chose to attack on Sunday evening at 6:30 p.m. because most churches are completely empty at that time and they wanted to minimize casualties, they said. They targeted only church signs, sending a "warning shot across the bow."
A/G officials claimed the strikes had hit Sunday school wings, not church signs, and had injured "dozens of innocent and elderly." The TBN network showed 24-hour footage of young, bandaged Missionettes and Royal Rangers lying in hospital beds ? images the SBC called "trumped up and inflammatory."
By Monday morning, hundreds of A/G adherents had gathered around decimated church signs for candlelight vigils and "tongues" rallies to show support for their churches.
"I'm outraged they would try something like this," said Martha Ennis, 41, who then began to prophesy over the reporter, giving him "words from God."
The SBC says they tried to work through the National Association of Evangelicals to bring sanctions against the A/G for "aggressive membership recruitment," but that secret deliberations ended inconclusively, and the SBC decided to act alone.
Wary of scaring away new members with the attacks, the SBC is simultaneously revving up a "shucks and aww" advertising campaign to portray a "warm, welcoming" atmosphere to counteract the impression that the SBC has become doctrinally rigid, intolerant and culturally out of touch. The ads, set to run in major newspapers beginning Thursday, show smiling, overweight Caucasian families walking into Southern Baptist churches. The SBC hopes to attract more smiling, overweight Caucasian families.
Already in some cities, A/G insurgent forces have begun counter-attacking SBC churches, scrawling "healing'z 4 today," "pharisee loverz" and other slogans Baptists find outrageous.
:)
way funny
BRB
I gotta call Springfield and tell 'em to release the snakes...
Well, if that's how these folks behave, see if we Presbyterians ever invite them to one of our inter-faith potluck suppers again!
So, light the fire
In my soul
Fan the flame
Make me whole
Lord you know
Where I am
So, light the fire in my heart again
Trust me. He wasn't.
It's worse than you think. The Presbyterians and Episcopalians are divesting from the SBC.
My preacher thinks it is a good thing but sometimes I think we worry so much about what people think that we forget to laugh sometimes:')
I love the picture of your church with all the alumni laying around.
"Cry Potluck, and let slip the parishiners of war!"
LOL!
I'm armed with a tuna casserole.
Ain't nobody taking me out!
Thanks, alpha! ;o)
At least the Presbyterians and their various branches - PCUSA and PCA, etc.- only fight among themselves!
Better keep the Presbyterians away. They send in legions of the unsaved (those guys are totally depraved) and then mop up with the perseverence of the saints.
Cry Potluck, and let slip the parishiners of war!
__________________________
Too funny!
The legions of the unsaved are from the seeker friendly congregations of course . . .
Rather than write a series of books or give a bunch of boring speeches, Elijah invited 450 Baal prophets to a contest, where both sides would set up an animal sacrifice. Whichever God could rain down fire on its sacrifice would be the one everybody worshiped.It's brilliant in its simplicity, and we're surprised religious debates were ever carried out any other way after that. You can raise all the intellectual challenges you want about faith and the origins of the universe, but at the end of the day, you have to worship the god who can set you on fire. It's common sense.
We like to think Elijah stood in front of the howling column of heavenly fire, straightened his robes, turned to the crowd and said, "Thus, my opponent's argument falls." Then, he finished the debate in the way that all debates should be finished: by having the losers slaughtered.
......from The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses
LOL.
What a satire site.
Praise God.
Interesting is probably better than frozen chosen or luke warm.
NOPE.
It’s a charade. To hide the black ops attacks on y’all.
LOL.
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