Posted on 12/21/2004 7:12:37 AM PST by AlguyA
My wife and I are practicing Catholics raising four wonderful kids. Several years ago, her brother 'came out of the closet' and announced he intended to live an openly gay lifestyle. At that time, he further announced that he would not attend family functions unoless he was allowed to bring his 'lover.'
My wife and I strenuously objected, telling him we would not attend family functions if he DID bring his 'friend.' We made it very clear we did not condone his lifestyle and that we would not expose our children to it. Virtually all of my wife's family thought we were being mean, homophobic, etc. Moreover, just to show this is a fairly ecumenical issue, my wife was raised Catholic, her parents are still Catholic, she has a sister who is Assemblies of God (and who HAS been at functions with her brother and 'friend'), and she has various brothers and sisters who are lapsed Catholics (two divoreced) and/or mainline Protestant. Again, virtually all of them think we are making to big a deal of this.
Interestingly, however, her brother backed down and agreed that at main family functions, he would come by himself.
Now, here's the issue. Yesterday, my wife received a phone call at work from her mother and father saying they WANTED to invite this 'friend' to this year's family Christmas party. They read her the riot act, basically saying she was being un-Christian in her intolerence. Further, they maintain her brother had not said a word about this, that they were doing this on their own to bring 'peace to the family.' My wife stuck to her guns. At one point, her mother even hung up on her. Later in the day, they called back and said to just forget their previous phone call and that the party would go ahead as planned -sans boyfriend.
My wife is not a mean person. Nor has she treated her brother meanly. Indeed, they talk on the phone every few weeks. She loves him deeply. As do I. We pray for him regularly.
So, here's my question. First, do you all think we're doing the right thing? And, second, can you think of anything we might do to alleviate the situation?
Many of you may remember me from my more voluminous postings of a year or two ago. I consider all of you -Catholic and Protestant alike- to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. So, what do you think?
Yes, but Our Lord said He did not come to bring peace, but rather, division. We didn't seek this division. Nor do we wish it to continue. But it does seem there comes a time when we have to be willing to say, "Sorry, that's far enough."
I have a girl of the same age and level of innocence, so I will venture an opinion on this.
I personally would not hide my daughter from the uncle. She's eventually going to find out anyway, and (because he's probably a lot of fun to be around) she's going to think you're being unfair to him. Again -- you end up on the losing side.
What you really need to teach your daughter is the truth: that the uncle's situation is, above all, very sad. He's living a disordered, empty, and very dangerous life. She should love him and pity him, and pray that he gets better. She should not be taught to fear him, because you'll lose her on that.
You needn't go into the details of what he does -- she'll find those out on her own at some point, and when she does, she'll be well equipped to understand why his sexual choices are empty and wrong.
We're not hiding her from her uncle. We're just trying to hide her from what her uncle does in private. Further, its not her uncle who is making a big deal of this, now. It's her grandparents.
We have handled it in the following manner. She will come every so often for an overnight stay. She almost always comes alone. We informed her many years ago that we would not acknowledge any sinful relationship of hers. If she brings a friend, we assume it is just that, a friend. They not only sleep in separate quarters, they sleep two floors apart. We informed her that if we ever had a hint of something untoward, she would be asked to leave. She understands the ground rules and lives very well by them. We do our best to avoid our home becoming an occasion of sin and believe we have succeeded.
Your situation is different in that it is not your home and your rules. I'm not sure what we would do in your situation. It is not right for a Catholic to accept an openly gay relationship and if you are breaking bread with open sodomites that may well be what you will be doing.
I understand where you're coming from. However, you asked for opinions, and I gave you mine. From this answer, I get the feeling that you have made up your mind already, and are perhaps only looking for approval for your course of action.
I can't give you that approval -- I think you're making things worse, rather than better. That's my opinion.
It's you, Al.
You're the ones making the big deal. The grandparents just want a quiet Christmas with their whole family, and without a lot of tension.
Again, I disagree. They didn't ratchet up the tension, they declined to participate in making a family holiday celebration an occasion of celebration of homosexual union.
I also disagree on telling the innocent daughter the truth. I would tell her that it's a family problem, the business of adults, and that when she's old enough her parents will fill her in. Kids don't have to know everything. Why potentially put her in the position of defending the lifestyle of an uncle she likes, before she's ready to handle all the implications?
I would like to see more children sheltered. Few are, and in my opinion, confronted with stuff far too adult for them.
You & your wife are right, and your wife's family is wrong.
"I can't give you that approval -- I think you're making things worse, rather than better. That's my opinion."
I confess, I do think we've made the right decision. However, the points you've made have occurred to me, especially the part about us being cast as 'the intolerant ones.' However, it is interesting that its not the brother who is pushing this. Indeed, I have some hope -and I mean this in the true Christian sense of the word as in hope as a virtue- that my brother-in-law may actually repent some day. And I think our course may help in this. Over the last year or so, he has talked with my wife about things Christian -and I'm pretty sure he doesn't do this with other members of the family. So, as I say, there is hope. Thank you for your opinion, I truly do appreciate your responses.
You need to talk to your 12 year old. She's probably not as innocent as you think. Sheltering and being honest are two different things. My 17 year old daughter is "sheltered" but we discuss EVERYTHING.
If I stopped attending family functions because of "sinners", we wouldn't have a family anymore.
That's part of the problem, right there. What we're talking about is a family Christmas gathering. Nobody is making it a "celebration of homosexual union" except the brother, of course, but moreso Al and his wife -- they've made it the elephant in the room. There's no room for Christ in a room that crowded -- there's only room for thoughts about anal sex.
Al's brother-in-law is certainly pushing hard on this. His sexual activities are most certainly wrong. But Al's original post makes it crystal clear the blame for the family tension is being placed squarely on Al and his wife. What I'm suggesting is not a celebration of homosexuality, but rather a decrease in the tension. Because as things stand now, the brother and his homosexual behavior is on the winning side of the fight.
Seems like your family is selling out to the PC lifestyle, to heck with your faith.
I see your point. However, I still disagree. Jockeying for the "rightest" position in the family is an exercise in futility. I've been in the same position over the behavior of a sib (not related to homosexuality) and I can tell you, I'd rather be true to my own convictions and raise my children that way, than worry about how I will be perceived by the extended family.
Under no conditions would I suggest that AlguyA knuckle under to his in-laws demands and rude behavior to his wife. To do so will invite further bullying. Apparently they give more support to the homosexual couple than to the heterosexual couple in the family. Fine. Let them.
AlguyA has his own children to raise, he isn't responsible for the behavior, bad or good, of anyone else in the family. He and his wife are prayerful and loving, and place the welfare (as THEY determine it) of their own children and their own convictions above other considerations. More power to them.
Too strident, GC. It sounds more like Al's family-in-law is trying to deal with the fact they love their son, despite the fact that he is a practicing homosexual. I will not cast the first stone at them -- what a ghastly situation for parents to have to live with.
Family stuff is hard enough without something like this.
I see your point, too. And yes, I disagree back. ;-)
No point in us beating our respective dead horses any further -- Al's got our opinions, and that's what he needs. Have a blessed Christmas, sister.
Here's a new post that may be of value in confronting the agenda....you might print it, share it with your 'outed' relative and your kids (different times and different places, of course) and carefully note the reaction....
Grace and Peace
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1305889/posts
What a charming poster you are. A pleasure to disagree with you, fellow Freeper. ;-D
God bless you and your family with a joyful Christmas and a terrific New Year.
I think old and tired is handling this correctly.
I will pray for you. A personal experience from my own life. In the past year I allowed pornography into my home when a friend of mine got me a gift subscription to Playboy. I started out not opening the packages and just putting them in the recycling bin. After a short time I found myself opening the packages and looking inside. I allowed the pornography into my house and it cost me my wife, my home, and my job. I thought that it was a victimless crime, but it demoralized my wife to the point that she told me she feels nothing for me anymore. I know that this may not happen to you, but with children involved you have to be very careful. Satan is real and he will use anything he can to destroy your life and your testimony.
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