Posted on 12/21/2004 7:12:37 AM PST by AlguyA
My wife and I are practicing Catholics raising four wonderful kids. Several years ago, her brother 'came out of the closet' and announced he intended to live an openly gay lifestyle. At that time, he further announced that he would not attend family functions unoless he was allowed to bring his 'lover.'
My wife and I strenuously objected, telling him we would not attend family functions if he DID bring his 'friend.' We made it very clear we did not condone his lifestyle and that we would not expose our children to it. Virtually all of my wife's family thought we were being mean, homophobic, etc. Moreover, just to show this is a fairly ecumenical issue, my wife was raised Catholic, her parents are still Catholic, she has a sister who is Assemblies of God (and who HAS been at functions with her brother and 'friend'), and she has various brothers and sisters who are lapsed Catholics (two divoreced) and/or mainline Protestant. Again, virtually all of them think we are making to big a deal of this.
Interestingly, however, her brother backed down and agreed that at main family functions, he would come by himself.
Now, here's the issue. Yesterday, my wife received a phone call at work from her mother and father saying they WANTED to invite this 'friend' to this year's family Christmas party. They read her the riot act, basically saying she was being un-Christian in her intolerence. Further, they maintain her brother had not said a word about this, that they were doing this on their own to bring 'peace to the family.' My wife stuck to her guns. At one point, her mother even hung up on her. Later in the day, they called back and said to just forget their previous phone call and that the party would go ahead as planned -sans boyfriend.
My wife is not a mean person. Nor has she treated her brother meanly. Indeed, they talk on the phone every few weeks. She loves him deeply. As do I. We pray for him regularly.
So, here's my question. First, do you all think we're doing the right thing? And, second, can you think of anything we might do to alleviate the situation?
Many of you may remember me from my more voluminous postings of a year or two ago. I consider all of you -Catholic and Protestant alike- to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. So, what do you think?
To what extent would your kids be exposed to your brother's homosexuality? Would they know its his lover, and not just a friend? That seems to be the critical question - if your brother is the type who is all up in everybody's face, "I'm gay, and you'd damn well better support me," then I'd suggest that you've got a problem.
But if he isn't -- so that the moral values you're trying to teach your kids isn't undermined by Uncle Bruce, then I'd say you should go. You can't pick your family, and right now, what he needs is to see that, even if your religious beliefs tell you that his actions are just wrong, that doesn't change the fact that he is your brother-in-law (and her brother), and you love him anyway.
As I see it, the kids are the deciding factor. What will they be exposed to?
I think you're doing the right thing. I am sure her brother knows that your wife loves him--they talk every couple of weeks. This is a tough situation; what you do takes strength.
You need to stick with your principles. Especially if you have children who would also be present.
I commend you for your concern and desire to do right. The lie that is being told you, indirectly, is that hatred of evil is WRONGFULLY intolerant behavior on your part.
We are to love the sinner and hate the sin. So long as the sinner continues to choose to sin, we cannot and must not give them access to privileges granted to those living healthy and upright lifestyles, particularly when there is often an agenda to indoctrinate children while "justifying" these abominable choices.
Please be kind and please be bold as in Joshua chapter 1. Expect to be accused of hatred, bigotry and intolerance--these are the standard lies of those who would put mud in a clear spring and pollute it for all.
Romans chapter 1 is where you are at...let not your own house become Sodom and a haven to sin. Meanwhile, let your light and kindness so reach out to this very hurting 'outed' person in your family that they feel Christ's love and forgiveness--that alone will straighen them out. Unless and until that happens, however--guard your children and your own heart, put on the FULL Armor of God.
Grace and Peace in Jesus' Name.
A good analysis, yes.
Here's the problem -at times he's in your face. For example, his first demand he either be allowed to bring his 'friend' or he wouldn't come to functions.
It was only after we came back and said we wouldn't come if he DID bring his friend that he cooled it around us. In fact, as my wife and I have discussed, if he had just showed up with a male friend we probably wouldn't have said anything. We could always have claimed 'plausible deniability.' We already were fairly certain what was going on, but we didn't know for sure until he made a big deal of it. Once he did, we felt we had to take a stand.
But there's another problem. Sooner or later, the kids will find out. My oldest son, who's 18, has already figured it out. What happens if we raise them to see homosexuality as serious sin, and then they find out that 'well, mom and dad didn't really mean it since they've condoned it all these years.'
What does he think? At 18, I'd say he's a good source as to what the rest of your kids will think.
You're doing a couple of things here.
First, you're placing the rest of the family in a position of having to choose between you guys and the brother. That's bad -- you'll end up on the losing side of that one, because you're the ones taking the hard line.
Second, I think you're basically just confirming a mindset that the brother would very much like to nurture; i.e., that "I'm a victim of Christian intolerance" thing.
Go to the family reunion. Be nice. be polite. You don't have to approve. But by being there, you take away one of his excuses. Plus which, you may actually like his "friend."
Thanks for the kind words and good advice. Blurblogger, I will this afternoon check out both Romans 1 and Joshua. Thanks and God bless.
I disagree. They have chosen what they think is best for their own family, and the extended family has apparently gone along with them--as has the brother. They haven't refused to see the brother, just have decided not to pretend that everything is hunky-dory by treating homosexuality as normal.
I agree with you. Your brother in law created the problem by creating the conditions. Hold your ground - they aim for the kids. However, given the length of gay relationships, there should be many opportunities to see him between affairs.
Jesus said, "blessed are those who are persecuted for rightousness sake." Keep standing.
Until last night, he didn't know about the demands made by his uncle, though he had figured out what he was doing. He thinks we made the right decision several years ago and thinks we should continue on the path we've chosen. My son, by God's grace, is becoming a fine, upright, man and will be attending Christendom College this coming fall. He said he basically was grateful he didn't have to wrestle with choosing between his faith and his uncle when he was just, say, thirteen.
I wouldn't assume that's what your kids will think. I'm no parent, and I certainly don't know your kids, so take this for what it's worth...As a child my parents took me to family functions which some non-Christian family members also attended. My parents were always kind and considerate to them, and I was taught to do the same. However I knew these folks weren't Christians, and that their behavior was not something my parents condoned. I understood the difference between being nice to people and condoning their lifestyle.
However it was a two-way street, as my non-Christian family members didn't use a family get-together as occasion to flaunt their vices.
There's two goals you want to balance. You don't want to damage your children, and they take precedence. But if you can, it would be better to not alienate your brother. Suprisingly often, it is the loving Christian sibling or friend that helps bring back someone like your brother.
If it were just your 18-year-old, I'd say go. He sounds like he's strong enough to stand with you. But the younger ones are the wild-cards.
It is one thing to bring a friend. It is another thing to tell EVERYONE what you do with this friend. Do they insist on sharing a bed? kissing? discussing their sex-life? Heterosexual couples are expected to behave themselves in public. Homo friends should, too.
You cannot shelter them from the reality that there is a world out there hostile to Christianity, even amongst professing Christians. To try to do so is dangerous.
At the same time, if Uncle Bruce will be making passes at his boy toy in front of the kids, well, that's something they certainly shouldn't see.
Don't let others trap you into accepting sin. Even the devil quotes the Bible.
Stick to your guns. Prayers for your family, esp BIL.
"There's two goals you want to balance. You don't want to damage your children, and they take precedence. But if you can, it would be better to not alienate your brother. Suprisingly often, it is the loving Christian sibling or friend that helps bring back someone like your brother.
"If it were just your 18-year-old, I'd say go. He sounds like he's strong enough to stand with you. But the younger ones are the wild-cards."
First, I also have a daughter who is twelve and twins that are eight -and they all have a fairly solid grounding in Christianity. However, what they don't have is a fairly solid grounding in the ways of the world. Interestingly, it is particularly my twelve year old daughter I am worried about. She is very innocent and we have kept her fairly sheltered. In some ways, I fear it would crush her if she knew what was going on with her uncle.
Also, try to understand it is not her brother who is now making a big deal of this -at least according to her mother and father. Rather, it is her mom and dad, (and, I suspect, particularly her mother) who is pushing the issue. And, frankly, I don't know why?
The facts as stated back up my statement. The family obviously is in a position of choosing, and tensions have reached the point of the mother hanging up on her daughter. The brother, meanwhile, has (once again, it seems) "made peace" by leaving his friend at home.
As things stand now, the family tension has the appearance of being driven by Al and his wife. (Before you go off on me, note the italics. We can agree that the brother shares a hefty portion of the blame for that, but as you know from your own family fights, it's the appearance that often matters most.)
The net effect is precisely what the brother expects and desires: "intolerant Christians vs. sacrificial brother." Anger goes toward Al and wife, and sympathy goes to the brother -- which pushes the parents to a measure of acceptance for his homosexual lifestyle that they might otherwise not have had.
Showing up and being polite is not "pretending things are hunky-dory," and it's certainly not an admission that "homosexuality is normal." Everybody knows Al and wife's position on the matter.
But they're not going to make any progress by racheting up the tension. Christianity works best when it shows a peaceful face, and can show the correct way of living. A loving man and wife, with their children, on Christmas... Anybody with eyes to see will understand the fulfillment that provides. And in seeing it, they will understand the emptiness of the alternative practiced by the brother.
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