Gay dads want their son to grow up straight

The Sun-Herald, Sydney, Australia ^ | September 14, 2003 | By Candace Sutton and Larry Schwartz

[Byron_the_Aussie]

Two men and a baby... Tony Wood and Lee Matthews playing with baby Alexander.

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An extraordinary documentary about how two gay men flew to America and hired a surrogate mother to have a son is set to rekindle the debate about what constitutes an Australian family.

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In the US they call it the "gayby boom".

In Australia, where laws vary, it is still the centre of emotional and ethical controversy.

Tony Wood, 40, and Lee Matthews, 34, are an upper-middle-class professional couple who decided five years ago they wanted to be parents.

The men each donated their sperm to fertilise eggs donated by a young American woman they chose after studying a catalogue in a process "very cut and dried, like retail shopping".

The resulting embryos were then impregnated into another American woman, who gave birth to a 2.8 kilogram boy, Alexander, in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, last December.

In a process which is banned in most countries around the world, the men used a California-based surrogacy and egg donation firm, Growing Generations, which is dedicated to the gay and lesbian community. The firm's website says it has assisted with the birth of at least 196 babies in cases from around the world.

There is no law prohibiting surrogacy in NSW (New South Wales, Australia’s most populous State.) But no contract between parties to undergo surrogacy would be recognised in the courts and the legal status and the nationality of a child born overseas would be under question.

The Melbourne couple brought Alexander back to Australia and now plan to raise the boy, who Mr Matthews said he hoped would grow up "straight" rather than gay, in a two-father family.

Despite the fact that the woman who carried Alexander, Junoa, is flying to Australia in December for his first birthday, Mr Wood and Mr Matthews do not consider her the boy's mother.

"She is not actually the mother . . . at the end of the day you have two dads, you don't have a mum," Mr Matthews said.

The men, who have been a couple for 14 years, initially encountered some "vehement" opposition from within the gay community to their plans to parent.

But they said increasing numbers of gay couples, particularly lesbians, were opting for parenthood.

"We believe our family is entitled to the same recognition as other families," Mr Wood said.

The men's story is expected to stir up a controversy when it airs as an SBS (government-funded, left-leaning TV network) documentary, Man-Made: The Story Of Two Men And A Baby, on September 30.

Community division on the subject of gay unions was highlighted by Prime Minister John Howard's recent comment that "if the same status is given in our society to gay unions as is given to traditional marriage, we will weaken that bedrock institution".

A spokesman for the Catholic Church said yesterday gay male parents were denying a child its natural right "to the love and nurture of a mother".

"With stolen children (children allegedly taken by Australian government authorities from their aboriginal parents, earlier this century), adoptions and all those things of the past 40 years, we have seen the problems that come with family situations than couldn't be avoided.

"What are we creating with these children? This is a case of adults fulfilling their own desires, but it is the children who suffer."

Bill Muehlenberg, vice-president of the Australian Family Association, said one of several concerns was "the commodification of children, the idea of baby-buying and all that goes with it". He said surrogacy, "with or without homosexual couples", was problematic.

"We may be placating the whims and fancies of adults but too often the very real interests of children are being overlooked in the debate," he said.

But Dr Justin Oakley, director of Monash University's Centre for Human Bioethics, said: "I don't see there's any particular problem with it and I think it's a shame [Mr Matthews and Mr Wood] have had to resort to such means in order to become parents or to become fathers."

Mr Matthews said he believed he and his partner had become parents "for all the right reasons . . . because we thought we could offer . . . a nurturing, protective and supportive environment.

"Parenthood isn't right for everyone. There's a huge lobby that sees surrogacy, and surrogacy in particular for same sex couples, as devil worship."

Mr Wood said they went through with it "because we love kids and thought we'd get a lot out of it ourselves and . . . hasn't it turned out better than you could have imagined".

"We have the perfect child. Every parent probably says that.

"He's an absolute delight, just amazing and he's got the most wonderful nature."

The couple said yesterday they were not necessarily advocating surrogacy and costs would be prohibitive to many gay couples.

Mr Matthews said he knew of "a handful of gay men" in Australia with their own babies. It had become far more common in the US.

In the documentary film, William Halms, of Growing Generations, says costs are so high he calls his own three children who were born in the program, "$75,000 babies". A first- time surrogate mother is paid $US20,000 ($30,130), a second-time one is paid $US25,000 and so on.

Egg donors, mostly college students, received an average $US5000, he said.

Mr Matthews and Mr Wood declined to reveal how much they had spent. The St Kilda men have maintained frequent email, mail and telephone communication with the surrogate mother.

Junoa, herself a mother of two, says in the documentary that she had long wanted to be a surrogate mother.

"I wanted to give someone who really wanted children the chance to parent," she says.

"To imagine not being able to have children destroys me."

After the birth, she says the process has left her with "a little fear, a little heartbreak, but a lot of pride".

"I thought, 'him leaving is going to break my heart', but then I am so proud his daddies will get to take care of him and raise him," she says.

But nevertheless she looks wistful and depressed before parting with the child.

Mr Matthews and Mr Wood have not ruled out having more children.

[F.J. Mitchell]

No truer words have ever been said.

[SedVictaCatoni]

Great post (#14). You certainly did a fantastic job of trying to straighten out Chemist Cat's thinking on this matter.

I thought this was an unusual post by CC, whose comments on other matters are usually very well-reasoned. I don't know what happened this time.

Yeah! I don't know what CC was thinking. This is just another example of why Free Republic needs a re-education camp. We could appoint a committee of people to come up with all the "approved" positions, and then you could set them straight - or else.

[F.J. Mitchell]

WE will leave that job in the capable hands of our moderators. If you haven't met them yet, don't worry, you surely will.

[Pikachu_Dad]

Here's to the coming custody battle when the mome arrives and decides to keep the kids !!!

[Consort]

It seem that gay people come from.....straight people.....straight men and straight women....straight religious and not so religious people, straight Liberal, Conservative, Libertarian, etc people....

[Coleus]

`

[EdReform]

Ping

[Peter Libra]

Sadly, the odds of one or both of these men eventually molesting this child are quite high. Higher numbers of molesters are homosexuals.

Happy and please God I am totally wrong.

[F.J. Mitchell]

The term "for the children", will surely be scrutinized under the microscope.

[F.J. Mitchell]

The opposite of straight is bent. So why are you calling bent people, gay?

[Siamese Princess]

Sadly, the odds of one or both of these men eventually molesting this child are quite high. Higher numbers of molesters are homosexuals.

I was thinking much the same thing. Even if neither of the "fathers" (cough cough) molests the child, homosexuals are by definition very promiscuous. Relationships are invariably short-lived and fidelity is unknown even in "committed relationships." These two dads will almost certainly break up within a few years, so the child will lose at least one person that he has developed an attachment to. Many men will come and go out of his and his "dads" lives so you can see the huge potential for molestation there.

Another thing to be concerned about is that homosexuals have a much shorter life expectency than straights. Not only do homosexuals invariably pick up a venereal disease, they are prone to other lifestyle-related ailments such as colon cancer. They also have high rates of drug and alcohol abuse and, yes, suicide. I think the average life expectency of a homosexual is 42 or 43. There's a good chance that this boy will be left at least a half orphan while still very young.

[Consort]

The opposite of straight is bent. So why are you calling bent people, gay?

Because they have a homosexual bent.

[Peter Libra]

Thanks for your carefully stated comment. I myself, would sooner be proven a hundred times wrong in these cases, than right. Meanwhile all concerned Freepers might morally support courageous agencies that battle for the family tradition. Cheers

[Elsie]

I don't suppose you ever actually READ the Bible, did you?

Let he who is without sin....?

Lots of FReepers think they are without sin, I guess. Wonderful for them.

It didn't say "Let he who has LESS sin by their own reckoning cast the first stone..."

 

Well, let's read the WHOLE story and not yank things outta context..........

 

 

 

John 8:3-11
 3.  The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group
 4.  and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.
 5.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?"
 6.  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.   But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.
 7.  When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."
 8.  Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
 9.  At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.
 10.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
 11.  "No one, sir," she said.   "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

It's amazing how many people 'know' the first phrase, but COMPLETELY ignore the SECOND!

 

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Jesus NEVER said that she WASN'T sinning!!  He was pointing out to the Pharisee's that THEIR claim, of having no sin, was bogus: they KNEW that their sins ALSO warrented death!

 

Jesus does NOT condemn us, we manage to do that all by our selves. 

 

HE came to make a way for us to ESCAPE the consequences of our sins.

[merry10]

They can't be good parents. Every child needs a mother and a father and without that the child is being deprived of what is natural and normal. Your comment is blatantly untrue. I too am not a homophobe like many on FR. Two professional gay nurses live in my neighnborhood; they are wonderful parents. One of them is always with the children. And guess what...one of the girls loves to wear dresses. I also know two gay women who are raising about 8 deaf or hard of hearing children. Many people say very many mean things, but a lot of people say a lot of mean things, but nobody else is willing to raise these kids.

[ChemistCat]

This isn't adoption in the sense of the state giving a gay couple the child of some other biological parents. This boy is biologically the son of one of his parents. He is a wanted child and his fathers may be a lot more committed to his welfare than many straight parents.

Abuse? Only if he isn't loved and cared for properly. My sister-in-law had unwanted three kids out-of-wedlock and she came around to take care of them pretty well. I'm not ready to say she should lose custody. I just wish she'd married before she carried.

I believe that the ideal is a two-straight-parent, married, one-religion home, but it is quite possible to raise a healthy child in a home that isn't ideal. Widows, grandparents, and abandoned mothers (and fathers) have to do it all the time. There are Catholics married to Jews who have to figure out how to raise the kids, and things get confused spiritually. Eventually the children sort things out and come to terms with them. We all have to deal with our parents' shortcomings and quirks.

I KNOW a gay man who married and raised a family, and has tried very hard to live as if he is straight. But he isn't straight and no amount of wishing will make him so. He has the same commandments to keep that I do. He is tempted to have sex with other men, while I'm tempted to hold on to grudges--I can "go to hell" just as easily as he can, though my sins would probably be counted as less serious than his. I don't think it works that way. Falling short is falling short. Damnation is damnation. And fortunately, Jesus is prepared to take all our sins away if we forsake them. Sometimes it takes a little time to get to the point where you can. God help those who are trying to get there!

I admire him for his self-control and for his determination to keep his wife as happy as possible and to shield his children from what he feels. He can do that because he loves God more than he loves himself. That's a precious gift, and one that most of humanity lacks, obviously. I wish all gay people could set aside their impulses and desires to do what God has ruled is best for us. Barring that, I wish that all children could have a good, two-parent, Christian home.

Since none of this is going to happen, I just hope everyone will do the best they can do. Until the Millenium, those of us who know what God expects us to do will try to do it, and while we do so, we have to live with those who are too blind and stiff-necked to do so themselves.

These two gay men would make better neighbors than a married straight atheist/Demonrat couple running a meth lab would. They may even be better parents than some of the straights you personally know. If you know of some vast, secret pool of perfect parents, I'll get behind you and say we should take all children away from gay parents so they can go to perfect ones with no "handicaps" in their parenting ability.

[Fraulein]

More selfish adults putting their own needs before those of their children.

[merry10]

I raised three girls on my own. I am now married. I provided them with male role models like wonderful uncles....the girls are good students, polite, respectful ...everything you can ask for.

[merry10]

I raised three girls on my own. I am now married. I provided them with male role models like wonderful uncles....the girls are good students, polite, respectful ...everything you can ask for.

[ChemistCat]

That admonishment to the woman to forsake her sins was delivered AFTER her accusers were already gone. That means that that part is between her and the Lord. Period. The accusers were no less in the wrong. They were told they must be without sin to cast stones at her.

I didn't yank anything out of context--I thoroughly understand the passage and its implications for those of us who want to persecute someone who has sinned. Jesus sent THEM off first. He made sure she was safe. THEN He told her to knock it off. First things first.

Nobody is going to give up homosexuality because they are attacked; it's human nature to hold tighter to your sin rather than give it up because some other PERSON told you to.