The Marriage Strike - Why are men reluctant to marry?

Radiofree West Hartford ^ | August 13, 2003 | Wendy McElroy

[ddodd3329]

Why do fewer people marry?

According to a 1999 National Vital Statistics Report from the CDC, 7.4 per 1,000 Americans married in 1998. From 1990 to 1995, the marriage rate dropped from 9.8 to 7.6. Different sources render other statistics but the trend remains sharply downward.

There is never a single or comprehensive explanation for complex phenomena that are rooted deeply in human psychology. Non-marriage is a particularly difficult issue to address because, as a recent paper from Rutgers University entitled "Why Men Won't Commit" explains, official sources are scarce. "The federal government issues thousands of reports on nearly every dimension of American life. ... But it provides no annual index or report on the state of marriage." Much of the discussion of the motives surrounding non-marriage must be anecdotal, therefore, relying on statistics to provide framework and perspective.

In examining reasons for the current decline of marriage, one question usually receives short shrift. Why are men reluctant to marry?

The Rutgers report -- admittedly based on a small sample -- found ten prevalent reasons. The first three:

They can get sex without marriage;

They can enjoy "a wife" through cohabitation; and,

They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

As a critic of anti-male bias in the family courts, the reasons I hear most frequently from non-marrying men are fear of financial devastation in divorce and of losing meaningful contact with children afterward. (Such feedback is anecdotal evidence but, when you hear the same response over a period of years from several hundred different sources, it becomes prudent to listen.)

In a similar vein, the Rutgers report finds: "Many men also fear the financial consequences of divorce. They say that their financial assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. They fear that an ex-wife will 'take you for all you've got' and that 'men have more to lose financially than women' from a divorce."

Increasingly, men are stating their reasons for not marrying on the Internet. In an article entitled "The Marriage Strike," Matthew Weeks expresses a sentiment common to such sites, "If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that -- given the current state of the nation's family courts -- divorce is slavery for men."

Weeks provides the math. One in two marriages will fail with the wife being twice as likely to initiate the proceedings on grounds of "general discontent" -- the minimum requirement of no-fault divorce. The odds of the woman receiving custody of children are overwhelming, with many fathers effectively being denied visitation. The wife usually keeps the "family" assets and, perhaps, receives alimony as well as child support. Many men confront continuing poverty to pay for the former marriage.

>>>Continued<<<

[The Old Hoosier]

Also Diogenes (c. 412-c. 325 B.C.) had a good quote:

When asked what was the right age for marriage, Diogenes replied : "For a young man, not yet; for an old man, not at all."

[Tall_Texan]

That's because those men don't realize that a hitman is cheaper than a lawyer.

It didn't work out that way for O.J. - possibly because he skimped on the hitman and tried to do it himself.

[patton]

Can you guarantee a happy marriage? Probably not. You can, however, pretty much guarantee an unhappy one.

Too funny.

[AppyPappy]

You ain't got to kill her. You just have to convince her that you would. I have a friend who did it and his wife became VERY cooperative. Everyone walked away happy.

[agrace]

Agree again. The bible agrees with you on that one too, in that believers and non-believers should not be "yoked together." Has nothing to do with a Christian being "better" - hardly!, but rather everything to do with harmony and a successful marriage.

[null and void]

If I am an in-shape, well-paid, house-cleaning, caring dad and loving husband who cooks at least 3 days a week and puts the lid down, isn't that enough?

Nope. When my daughter was 4ish she used to say "NOOOOO! Do it the way I want!!!" when she couldn't explain what she needed.

You're a guy, you're supposed to KNOW exactly what your darling wife wants, and provide it.

God help you if you can't read her mind, even when she doesn't know what she wants.

God help you if what she wants violates the laws of nature. That's not HER problem. It's YOURS.

OTOH, she WILL know that whatever you've done isn't good enough

[Zack Nguyen]

But the reason FourPeas stated it as such is because biblically speaking, that's how it should be - loyalty to God first and family second, and with the knowledge that if God IS put first, your family is NEVER neglected. That goes for the wife too by the way.

Well put. Ignoring God and trying to be a family man is like going to work, sitting at your desk, and ignoring the boss. Yes, you may get a little more done, but without guidance and instruction the work will be shoddy and low quality.

[mattdono]

God help you if you can't read her mind, even when she doesn't know what she wants.

This actually may be the biggest reason for discord and/or disagreement when it comes to house chores.

[CoolPapaBoze]

Apparently, the word 'no' is not in the lexicon of most single women between the ages of 15-25. Oral sex is now considered petting and not sex. Thank you Bill Clinton.

[RinaseaofDs]

Wow!!!!

Amen. Perfect.

Very, very, very well said.

I'm in a stable marriage myself, and there are those same elements. She wants to stay home with the kids, but if I'm not up from the home office (yes, I work from the house too - no commute) by 5, there is grief. If I'm not up to help with the kids in the morning, grief.

If I want to put in extra hours to make more money, grief. Sales trips, grief. It's a sales job to her, and her mother everytime I do it. Every six months a new sales job.

Not smart behavior, but she's getting better every year.

[MineralMan]

"God help you if you can't read her mind, even when she doesn't know what she wants.

This actually may be the biggest reason for discord and/or disagreement when it comes to house chores."

Could be, for sure. Compatibility is a tough thing. I'm no neatnik, so I was pleased to find that my wife-to-be was not either. How did I figure that out? I looked at the place she lived before we got married. Both of us seem content with a reasonably clean place, but neither of us requires white-glove clean.

It's just one of the elements of compatibility.

[Middle Man]

"When the radical feminists came along with their anti-male legislation and lawsuits, these old codgers were easily fooled into thinking they were somehow protecting female virtue by doing the feminists' bidding."

Or else all those male judges, governors and legislators came home every night to wives who told them, "If you don't pass the no-fault divorce bill, I'LL make your life h*ll!" ;^)

[RogueIsland]

I see friends of mine living this same hell, day after day. Marriage? Might as well play Russian Roulette with 3 bullets in the revolver.

Not possible, because your right to own the revolver will have been revoked by the Lautenberg bill when the divorcing wife takes out a restraining order in order to have greater leverage in the custody hearing.

[RinaseaofDs]

You are actually describing my mother. My father should have left her back when I was five.

[longtermmemmory]

I have seen far too many divorce cases where the woman acted as competition rather than partner. This is just anecdotal observations so it is not scientific. The shortest was 3 months the longest almost 4 years. Women who want to build a family (real family not motherhood by proxie) are rarer.

To those women who wonder why men don't want to marry them, its because men don't like you. As a person and any other measure of attraction.


BTW: to those naysayers about sex in marriage. There are studies which I have read in law journals which state the reduction or elimination of sex within the marriage causes the equal sense of loss as a death in the family. sex matters. (aka making love. emphasis on the "making")

[XRdsRev]

It is also very expensive to get married (and stay married). Living in New Jersey is VERY expensive for a single guy and VERY VERY expensive if you are married and have kids.

Honestly it is tough enough to make ends meet on your own. If you do get married and your wife wants to stay home and raise a family, it is an incredible burden. A single guy can get an apartment for $800-1000 per month but in my area if you move up to a condo then you'll spend at least $120,000 and it almost impossible to find a small livable house for less than $250,000. The mortgage payment coupled with property taxes can quickly crush you if you are not careful. Many of my married friends who were making decent money when they were single are now just barely squeaking by with a wife and kids.

A young guy lives comfortably, works hard, saves his money, gets some assets (stocks, a nice car, other "stuff")(not a house which he doesn't really own for 20-30 years), all of a sudden if he thinks about it, getting married is a very risky proposition. Almost 50% of marraiges eventually end in divorce or seperation. In addition to the financial burden of marriage, he also risks losing half of what he amassed when he was single.

From a non-emotional standpoint, he is probably better off staying single and playing around.

[r9etb]

I'm happily married. If my wife were to die, I would seriously consider re-marrying. Marriage is a good thing.

You just have to take marriage seriously -- which is what the people who write, and those who believe, stupid articles like this clearly do not.

[missyme]

I agree with that..

I was reading your home-page, and respect your privacy and I just have a question for you, if you feel comfortable answering it.

What makes a person an atheist?

[null and void]

I see... So most legislators must be homosexual.

I would guess Bi. They seem to be willing to screw us all...

[nightdriver]

In an article entitled "The Marriage Strike," Matthew Weeks expresses a sentiment common to such sites, "If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that -- given the current state of the nation's family courts -- divorce is slavery for men."

True. All a woman needs is a slimey lawyer (in plentiful supply) and a humped-up, liberal, arbritrary, capricious, FEMALE judge (also in plentiful supply) and the man can kiss any aspirations and dreams for the future goodby.

Marriage is no longer the "tender trap," since feminism has infected our society, it's more like the cannibalistic trap.