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Editor: MoJo
Proofer: Ma |
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| CANTEEN SPORTS CORNER |
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Welcome to the Canteen Sports Corner!
On the left hand side, you will find the links for all the sports you would ever want. Also, many of the items in the Corner are either inspired, or can be found, by following any of the links provided. Be sure to check out our sponsors below the links. As usual, we aim to please at the Canteen Sports Corner. Please enjoy your tour and by all means share any sports stuff that you may have. The Canteen Sports Crew would like to thank The Goddess for her column this week. We know you will enjoy her insights!! Thank you, Goddess! Enjoy everyone! |
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GUEST SPORTS COLUMNIST
 The Goddess Reveals!
Everything you wanna know about getting in shape
Body/Fat Ratio Calculations: You may have heard that your overall weight is a combination of your lean body mass and your fat mass. They say that for health, the important thing isn't how much you weigh, but how much of your weight is fat. The Goddess agrees, however, the calculations most people use are complex and difficult, involving advanced math. The Goddess does not care much for anything that involves math. Calculating your body/fat ratio is simple, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. There now. Wasn't that easy?
Sit-ups will trim your belly: Oh D'uh!! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger belly. Why would anyone want a bigger belly? This is not a good thing. Trust the Goddess.
Cardiovascular Exercise Can Prolong Life: Oh puleeze! Snap out of it! How could that possibly be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? The Goddess suggests you take a nap. Treadmill? Stairclimber? Not! The Goddess recommends the strato-lounger.
Meat is bad for you: Anyone who tells you to cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables has a sanity level below even the Burka-boy. They just don't grasp logistical efficiencies the way the Goddess does. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.
Beer is bad for you: This issue is so ridiculous I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know beer is not an animal, and it's not a mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? The Goddess says: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone you're on a vegetarian diet.
The Goddess Fitness Program: Yes! With a little help from the Goddess, you too can be fit and trim. Sign up for the Goddess Fitness Program, guaranteed to help you lose those stubborn pounds.
The program begins with a warm-up exercise guaranteed to lighten your wallet as you hand over your credit cards to the Goddess. You will feel better instantly, all that plastic can get heavy! Then, it's off to the Mall! The warm-up includes other exercises such as racing ahead to open the car door and leaping out at our destination, running around the car and again, opening the door for the Goddess. The main work-out includes keeping up with the Goddess from store to store, as well as carrying all those packages! A cool-down is also included, yes, its back to racing ahead to open the car door.... can you feel the burn????
Get with the program... The Goddess Fitness Program! To apply for admission, send a recent financial statement and credit report to: The Goddess!
All of the information on this thread was gathered from most of the sports links that are listed on this thread. Please feel free to peruse further for more information.
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A squash ball moving at 150 kilometers per hour has the same impact of a .22 bullet. (The call for a ban on squash balls is coming folks)
At 120 miles per hour, a Formula One car generates so much downforce that it can drive upside down on the roof of a tunnel.
(Cool! Can we test this out?)
Billiards used to be so popular at one time that cigarette cards were issued featuring players. (Snore!)
The world's biggest bowling alley is located in Las Vegas at the Showboat hotel and has 106 lanes.
(It's Las Vegas! What do you expect?)
Baseball was the first sport to be pictured on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Canada is the only country not to win a gold medal in the Summer Olympic games while hosting the event. (Come on Greece! You have a chance to join them in this category!)
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| "Just remember the words of Patrick Henry - 'Kill me or let me live.'" Bill Peterson |
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ASK MA
Welcome to Ask Ma! This is where you can interact with Ma and ask her life's most important questions. This is especially true if you are an athlete, coach, or wannabe. If you happen to have a stressful life and need to tell someone, ask Ma!
_____________________________________ Since Ma has been gone for a few weeks. She has some catching up to do!
So? We've saved some of the emails. Your questions and Ma's replies follow.
Dear Ma,
Will Kobe Bryant be found guilty of rape?
Ma's take: Kobe's predicament is his own fault. Whatever happens this young man will be tarnished. He should keep his zipper in check and concentrate on his marriage and staying out of jail. Prayers sent for the people of Eagle, Colorado. They will have to endure this entire circus.
Dear Ma,
What did Mike Tyson waste 300 million dollars on?
Ma's take: I'm assuming he spent it on his gold caps that lace his mouth. Also, he's been divorced twice with alimony to pay. Honestly, when you are Mike Tyson do you need 15 bodyguards? He should have invested in a shrink and shock treatment. It would have saved him a bundle. No one ever asks Ma until it is too late. Let this be a lesson.
Dear Ma,
Is it possible to find an honorable man in the NBA?
Ma's take: Sure. As soon as I think of one, I'll let you know.
Dear Ma,
Why are so many football players fat?
Ma's take: Big is good. Big and fast is better. Big, fast, and deadly on the field is the best. That's why there are so many fat football players on the field. I would advise, for your own health, not to ask an offensive lineman that question.
Dear Ma,
Do you have anymore dumb sports quotes laying around?
Ma's take: As long as there are athletes, the dumb quotes section will exist. Here you go:
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"Sure. I'm proud to be an American."
-Cincinnati Reds rookie pitcher Steve Foster, asked by a Canadian customs agent if he had anything to declare.
"All I'm asking for is what I want."
-Rickey Henderson
"The NFL, like life, is full of idiots."
-Randy Cross, football color commentator.
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
-Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, 1982
"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.
"Unstoppable, baby!"
-Warrior rookie Marc Jackson to the Mavericks' bench, after hitting a lay-up during a 29-point loss.
"He's the about the size of a lot of guys that size."
-Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown "I don't care what the tape says. I didn't say it."
-Football coach Ray Malavasi |
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