Why we cheat - ( Women )

New York Post ^ | July 13, 2003 | Susan Edelman

[UnklGene]

WHY WE CHEAT

By SUSAN EDELMAN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FORBIDDEN PLEASURES: Some researchers believe changes in gender roles are prompting more married women to sleep around.

July 13, 2003 -- More women are cheating on their husbands - and doing it without remorse, sex researchers say. A stunning 90 percent of adulterous wives told one Manhattan researcher they suffered "no guilt," but rather felt "entitled" to the pleasure and excitement of their secret trysts, said Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender-studies professor and author.

"Women feel entitled because they're not getting what they need in the marriage. That's why women today have affairs," said Barash, who interviewed 120 wandering women for her recent book on female infidelity, "A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break their Marriages."

Based on her research, Barash contends that more than 60 percent of all married women will engage in at least one affair.

And many such women - despite socioeconomic differences - can empathize with someone like Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, Barash said.

In a breakup that rocked political and high-society circles, Kennedy Cuomo, 43, split two weeks ago from her husband of 13 years, Andrew Cuomo, over her alleged affair with randy restaurateur Bruce Colley, who is also married with children.

"These women would recognize her need - her desire to have more in her life than she had in her marriage," said Barash, who interviewed everyone from bus dispatchers, cops and stay-at-home moms to high-powered financiers, doctors and lawyers for her study.

"For the women who choose it, it's with great effort, so they really juggle the affair and somehow fit it in."

Barash found her sexually active subjects by posting ads in YWCAs and asking women who responded to refer friends who were having affairs.

Some therapists don't agree with Barash. They say many wandering women experience shame and regret - and seek help for adulterous urges.

"I have not witnessed a growing experience of 'entitlement.' Their conscience is bothering them," said Kristen Harrington, a marriage counselor who treats couples for infidelity in upstate Kingston.

But other experts agreed that more women today are determined to dally and less sorry about straying.

"I don't see women feeling a lot of guilt," said Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, whose book, "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal," was published this year.

Like other daughters of sexually unfaithful fathers, Glass said, Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, the daughter of Robert Kennedy, could prefer that role rather than emulate mothers who serve as "martyrs" and "doormats."

Women with careers and financial resources can take more risks, she added: "If their partners find out, they can take care of themselves."

Glass also found surprising changes in men who mess around.

Traditionally, men's affairs were purely sexual, often involving a male in power enjoying "a little on the side" with a female subordinate.

"Now, men and women are working together as equals, with a lot of intellectual energy and common interests," Glass said. "It's a combination of emotional and sexual bonds. And it's more dangerous because it creates an alternative to the marriage, rather than just a supplement."

But equality hasn't erased the differences in why men and women cheat, other experts argue.

"Men have affairs to boost their self-esteem and because it's available. Their feelings are closely tied to their sexuality and potency," said Brooklyn psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner.

"Women don't just want a night of joy and pleasure," she said. "No matter what the feminists say, women want love. They want emotional attachment and bonding."

[BRL]

I am very happy that you have such a great companion to be by your side. I hope you two remain together forever. One day though, one of you two will be gone. Living on memories will not be very satisfying then.

[kstewskis]

My friend, when the leaves have fallen and the golden glow has faded, it helps to have a steadfast compnion to help with the raking

...if you're so lucky as to be that blessed.

Sounds as if you are. That's awesome.

[BRL]

if you're so lucky as to be that blessed

It is not just luck. My observation has been that really really happy marriages have two selfless people in it. It is not luck to choose to be selfless yourself. It takes a lot of work, and is not fun all the time. I congratulate people for their success, I do not consider them lucky. (Even if I have not found the keys to success myself)

[viaveritasvita]

I love Lewis' work, too. This is one of my favorites. Here's the whole quote (without any more typos, I hope)....

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully 'round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and pertubations of love is Hell...We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

[kstewskis]

My observation has been that really really happy marriages have two selfless people in it.

Absolutely. One can be honest with themselves and strive to work on being selfless. The real trick is, however, meeting that other selfless person to share it with.

[glory]

How have men failed women?

I'd like to answer that briefly if I can.

Speaking only in a marriage situation, I know of a number of women who HAVE to work because their men REFUSE to be a provider. They also refuse, outright or subtely, to be leaders in their homes. This leaves women in a spot to have to step up as the leader's of the homes. Men emasculate themselves when they do this. Some of the women I would say would need an attitude change as well to fulfill their role from a Christian perspective(keepers of the home), however some of these women would be happy as clams for their husbands to take their rightful place as the head of the family and allow them as women to fulfill their role in the home.
Now, I am only speaking from a perspective on Christian marriage, but it seems pretty evident to me knowing some of the two income families I do and the dynamics involved in some of them that men ARE failing their wives just as much as women are failing their husbands. I don't know the answer since the current situation puts both men and women on the defensive. Who is going to be willing to come out of that defensiveness and take that risk?

[ValerieUSA]

Thank you for the full quote. I used to have that book, but gave it to a friend. I think I need to get another one.

[glory]

Luckystar, I agree. I heard more about affairs when I worked. I don't hear about them so much since I've been home unless hubby is telling me about a couple we know who both work and the proverbial poop just hit the fan. I'm not saying they don't exist, but like you, the oppurtunity doesn't seem to be there for stay at home mothers, nor the time even if there was the inclination. The working women I have known seem to be quite a bit more dissatisfied with life in general(adding to Pukin Dog's argument that women really do not want to be competitors), always looking for something more and better in their lives. Stay at home mothers, for the most part, seem more self-assured and content. These are only generalizations based on my experience.

[BRL]

Absolutely. One can be honest with themselves and strive to work on being selfless. The real trick is, however, meeting that other selfless person to share it with

Yes, but we can work on being selfless first.

I have a bit of a theory on raising my kids. I developed this theory based upon circumstances that hit me very very hard.

Here goes.....

Most depression problems can be solved by talking things out with good family and friends. Some depression cannot be worked out through good friends, but most can be. Now the question is how do you find good friends. The answer is that you have a skill set and an attitude that attracts good friends. Be a good person and attract good people. If you get depressed and have no skills in talking, and your expectations from others are screwed up you will drive even the best Christian in the world away after a while.

The point is, good people want to be around other good people. So one must work on being good (read selfless- as this is almost a perfect substitute for good) in order to have a support network in place when you really need it.

Jerks never know what a real relationship is because they don not sacrifice for anyone. Sorry for the rambling, but I believe that selflessness (not doormatness) and patience does pay off.

[onedoug]

Role playing is a great marriage enhancer.

[Go Gordon]

Visit a homeschooling convention sometime - it would cheer you up tremendously.

Is it a good place to meet chicks?

[glory]

Agreed, this mimics my experience. The only exception I can say may be for women of children in school who still stay home and then pursue self-interests in that time. And then it would depend on the interest. If you scrapbook for instance, you aren't likely to find a guy in a mile of that activity;-) but if you pick up a gym membership or lunch alone after a hair appointment you probably are going to have more oppurtunity.
My "nice" clothes sit "quietly" in the back of my closet--some have dust on the shoulders--isn't that sad??? LOL I usually wear clothes too that can handle messy kids touching them and cleaning products. June Cleaver was only a TV mother;-)

[nmh]

Oh I get it! Since 60% of married women cheat then it's okay for me. After all nearly everybody is doing it without remorse, no less. Not only is it common but women now feel "entitled" to it.

Folks just another soft sell on CHEAT, nearly everyone else is doing it. It's exaggerated and I suspect selective interviewing for answers they wish to promote.

As for me, cheating is not an option. Years ago I promised my spouse I'd be there for better or worse, richer or poorer, in good or bad heath till death do us part. I don't believe a promise is made to be broken. When we do have stressful times, we work it out. It's a comfort to know that I have a partner for life; regardles of what others are doing for cheap thrills with negative consequences.

[nmh]

"No matter what the feminists say, women want love. They want emotional attachment and bonding."

Ah, the truth slips out. Exactly why I don't cheat. Tawdry affairs on the sly aren't for me. You'll NEVER find love and emotional bonding with cheating.

[glory]

I'm in a women's bible study with a number of previously married women and you are right on in your assessment of middle age ladies waiting and ready and passionately willing when they find the right Christian man. You will find that woman before long I am sure:-)

[glory]

I'm spitting water over here--LOL.
Homeschooling mom here too. Not much oppurtunity to have sex with my husband, let alone with another man with the kids around--LOL. I wouldn't do that anyway.

[ValerieUSA]

When my husband was alive, I was a stay-at-home mom and that was best for us and our family - I believe it is the ideal family situation. We did not have a big house or fancy things, but we had each other. However, he was ill, a diabetic who did not take care of himself, and I knew I would be on my own without him at a relatively young age, so I did start working for local newspapers... at first I could do the writing at home, and only leave to attend meetings. I thought I was gaining valuable experience to help me get a job to support the family myself if such a necessity arose. Ha! All I found were employers who were happy to pay me a pittance and pile the work on. The outside job did not bring in enough money to make it worthwhile, nor did it do anything to help me get a job now when I need one.
Working wives and mothers need to honestly examine the benefits of their work to their family, and in most cases I think they will discover that they are losing, not gaining, in the long run.
Young women place too much emphasis on being self-supporting, but in real family life, it is far more important that they encourage men to support their families in the workforce, so the women can be the support system in the homefront.

[kstewskis]

Speaking only in a marriage situation, I know of a number of women who HAVE to work because their men REFUSE to be a provider. They also refuse, outright or subtely, to be leaders in their homes. This leaves women in a spot to have to step up as the leader's of the homes. Men emasculate themselves when they do this.

Ah yes. You describe a 4 year relationship I walked away from years ago. This guy would've been perfectly happy in a "Mr. Mom" role, if he could choose. I could not handle that, and thankfully got out of the relationship (and never looked back).

Some of the women I would say would need an attitude change as well to fulfill their role from a Christian perspective(keepers of the home), however some of these women would be happy as clams for their husbands to take their rightful place as the head of the family and allow them as women to fulfill their role in the home.

After some battles (from my Mom, she had always worked since she was 17 out of neccesity to help out her own family)...and insistance of Dad putting his foot down...things did settle into this scenerio with my parents. She was perfectly happy assuming the role of "keeper of the home" and taking care of two kids. Dad was the breadwinner, and in charge.

Unfortunately, even in the best of (Christian) marriages, you can't predict the future. At a young age, Dad got leukemia, and passed away at age 35.

Mom had to go back, finish her H.S. degree, and resume a career in order to raise me, and put my older sister (and myself) through school.

I was ingrained in thought, at an early age, that you cannot predict the future. One spouse has to be able to pick up and support the other, or at least help support the "cause" in case of unforseen circumstances. Be prepared. To do otherwise would not be prudent. I guess this is a deep seeded belief I've always had. If something ever happened to my husband, I'd want to do everything I could to help him (us) out, so finances were the last thing he'd have to worry about.

Sure, I'd love to have "someone take care of me" and look after me. But in today's world, Prince Charming is a myth. Life is not always what you planned. I've had not much choice in the matter. Well, actually I did. I could've married the loser I described above, but it would've been a huge mistake.

[kstewskis]

oh, and thanks for taking the time to answer my question :)

[UnBlinkingEye]

I am single, financially secure for life, and I looked better in my Navy flight suit than George Bush did.

But you could not get me to walk down the aisle with a woman at gunpoint.

Former member of the Village People?