Why we cheat - ( Women )

New York Post ^ | July 13, 2003 | Susan Edelman

[UnklGene]

WHY WE CHEAT

By SUSAN EDELMAN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FORBIDDEN PLEASURES: Some researchers believe changes in gender roles are prompting more married women to sleep around.

July 13, 2003 -- More women are cheating on their husbands - and doing it without remorse, sex researchers say. A stunning 90 percent of adulterous wives told one Manhattan researcher they suffered "no guilt," but rather felt "entitled" to the pleasure and excitement of their secret trysts, said Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender-studies professor and author.

"Women feel entitled because they're not getting what they need in the marriage. That's why women today have affairs," said Barash, who interviewed 120 wandering women for her recent book on female infidelity, "A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break their Marriages."

Based on her research, Barash contends that more than 60 percent of all married women will engage in at least one affair.

And many such women - despite socioeconomic differences - can empathize with someone like Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, Barash said.

In a breakup that rocked political and high-society circles, Kennedy Cuomo, 43, split two weeks ago from her husband of 13 years, Andrew Cuomo, over her alleged affair with randy restaurateur Bruce Colley, who is also married with children.

"These women would recognize her need - her desire to have more in her life than she had in her marriage," said Barash, who interviewed everyone from bus dispatchers, cops and stay-at-home moms to high-powered financiers, doctors and lawyers for her study.

"For the women who choose it, it's with great effort, so they really juggle the affair and somehow fit it in."

Barash found her sexually active subjects by posting ads in YWCAs and asking women who responded to refer friends who were having affairs.

Some therapists don't agree with Barash. They say many wandering women experience shame and regret - and seek help for adulterous urges.

"I have not witnessed a growing experience of 'entitlement.' Their conscience is bothering them," said Kristen Harrington, a marriage counselor who treats couples for infidelity in upstate Kingston.

But other experts agreed that more women today are determined to dally and less sorry about straying.

"I don't see women feeling a lot of guilt," said Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, whose book, "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal," was published this year.

Like other daughters of sexually unfaithful fathers, Glass said, Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, the daughter of Robert Kennedy, could prefer that role rather than emulate mothers who serve as "martyrs" and "doormats."

Women with careers and financial resources can take more risks, she added: "If their partners find out, they can take care of themselves."

Glass also found surprising changes in men who mess around.

Traditionally, men's affairs were purely sexual, often involving a male in power enjoying "a little on the side" with a female subordinate.

"Now, men and women are working together as equals, with a lot of intellectual energy and common interests," Glass said. "It's a combination of emotional and sexual bonds. And it's more dangerous because it creates an alternative to the marriage, rather than just a supplement."

But equality hasn't erased the differences in why men and women cheat, other experts argue.

"Men have affairs to boost their self-esteem and because it's available. Their feelings are closely tied to their sexuality and potency," said Brooklyn psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner.

"Women don't just want a night of joy and pleasure," she said. "No matter what the feminists say, women want love. They want emotional attachment and bonding."

[sonofron]

"I am considering getting a vasectomy, but have not yet gather the strength to do that to 'my boys'. I will eventually because it is too dangerous out there."

Make sure you freeze some before doing that. children are the ultimate legacy.

No matter what happens, i will never regret having one of my own. just a thought.

[patton]

When I was young, and my folks owned this house, there was a lady next door who was old, and alone.

She had had a family, but lost them in one stroke, to a car wreck.

My brothers and I shoveled her drive, kept her lawn, and whatnot.

When she died, another widow bought the house. My kids now shovel and mow for her.

Humans are herd animals - we are not meant to be alone.

[Rightwing Conspiratr1]

What a bunch of cr*p. Comparing normal women to Kennedys is a major insult.

It's all part of the defining deviancy down plan. Remember when they were comparing all men to Clinton?

[RedBloodedAmerican]

Never heard of Uncle Wiggly.

Have you tried Operation?

[Just_de_facts]

I'm just messing with you a little bit. I'm an Air Force vet.
Got to go to work now. Wishing you clear skies and smooth seas.

[ValerieUSA]

Women can have adulterous affairs with NO GUILT?
I can't even eat dessert without guilt!
Chocolate cheesecake is worth the feeling, but betraying myself, my vows, my loved ones, my entire family and God? Not worth it. The guilt would destroy me.
I was faithful in my marriage. If I should be so blessed as to find another husband in my life - he will be my husband, not someone else's.

[Pukin Dog]

Now I get it, Dudley Do-Right.

[Pukin Dog]

If I were to have a child, it would only be an obnoxious little ba#$%^d, with my genes. It would be my "mother's revenge" as she likes to say.

[viaveritasvita]

He did indeed go along with it! I have a picture of the both of them pointing fingers at each other...

EVE [pointing finger at the hapless Adam]: It was his fault, Lord! If he paid more attention to me, I wouldn't have needed to go outside our marriage for communication. I was entitled to it!

ADAM [pointing finger at the floosy, Eve, and quoting the Dog]: She started it!

EVE [hands on hips]: Why you wimp! Maybe if you brought home more cash, I wouldn't have had to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

ADAM [gaining the upper hand]: Sure, blame me for your sins. You stoopid woman! The first serpent that comes along hissing that you can be as God and you fall for it.

EVE [hitting Adam where it hurts]: At least the serpent was sleek and shiny and beautiful! He even talked to me! You just sit around naming creation. I'm bored to death with you....

[EVE STARTS CRYING AT THIS POINT]

ADAM [doomed because he has no Dog buddies to warn him about the crying thang and cursing for the first time in history]: Ah damn, Eve. We're in this together, kid. That apple WAS pretty tasty wasn't it? Let's have another!

hehehe.

Actually, I think the serpent choosing Eve as his target shows the vulnerability of woman.

[Sabertooth]

Heard of it, but I've managed to stay healthy.

Never thought much of trolls, either, though some have made up their own games.

[Neets]

Pingeroonie...long time no see...

[RedBloodedAmerican]

I know exactly what you mean!

[kstewskis]

Humans are herd animals - we are not meant to be alone

(pardon me for chiming in)

True. But the choice to not be alone has to be agreed upon by (at least) two people. It's easier said than done, in a many cases.

And yes, it is easier to chose to be alone, because the decision is made by one.

Btw, thanks for your touching post.

[longtermmemmory]

Having represented people in divorce court, I would stongly support a penalty for infidelity in divorce. (There is however a case that says withholding sex is arguably abuse and an excusable cause for an affair. You can't push someone into an affair for ecconomic advantage.)

There are pleanty of feminist women who fear no penalty for infidelity.

Infidelity SHOULD be a factor in determining residential child custody, ecconomic divisions, and other equitable relief.

No free pass for cheaters. That is just a lawyers poin of view.

[Pukin Dog]

what is pingaroonie?

[sonofron]

lol, but i'm sure your mother wouldn't change it for the world.

hmm, you think they'll need good jet pilots in 100 years?

[viaveritasvita]

It's been said that the first thing in creation that God deemed NOT good was Adam's loneliness. "It's not good for the man to be alone." God has filled my life with many good people and things, so the loneliness of not being married is bearable.

God provided for those older women by placing them next door to you! You and your family have been used by Him to minister to them. How blessed you are and how blessed are those women!!

God provides.

[longtermmemmory]

a man should only marry a woman with whom you would want to have a long passionate and intense affair. (The converse must hold for the woman towards the same man)

Just the notions of a hopeless romantic.

[Neets]

An extended version of a ping

[patton]

;)