Posted on 07/04/2003 12:33:35 PM PDT by Apolitical
Huh?
What?
Oh, excuse me. What were we discussing? Crickets? Top Ramen? It's all a blur.
Gimme the drugs. Now.
See how easy that was? I have now been marked as a man afflicted by the newest -- and for my money the very best -- disorder ever. Well, at least ever since the pharmaceutical profession realized that you can peddle a whole slew of drugs if you just come up with a popular enough -- if questionable -- syndrome and advertise it on television.
I speak, of course, of the scourge of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, which the drug people swear afflicts millions of Americans just like me who aren't presently downing Ritalin by the handful but really ought to be, apparently.
Where was I?
By the way: was that a shame or what: Katherine Hepburn and Buddy Hackett in the same week?
Oh! Yes! Television!
It was on television that I first learned about Adult ADD, in between innings of some baseball game or other that I can't quite remember right at the moment. Anyhoo, the commercial advised that just as children are afflicted with "wandering brain syndrome" so, too, are adults.
Whoda thunk it? By the way, did you catch CSI the other night? They had this --
Oh. Sorry.
Whoda thunk it? Well, the marketers for pharmeceuticals certainly woulda. Let's face it, a bunch of juveniles with short attention spans is one thing, but it's the adult population that's holding the swag, the green, the moola. Thus, using that cash incentive, it becomes reasonable to assume that kids whose minds wander will evolve into adults whose minds wander, and that opens up a whole new market. Just as long as the adults can be convinced they are indeed victims of something they never particularly noticed before, having that ADD and all.
Speaking of "markets," I have got to get to the store before I --
Oh. Wait. I was writing something.
What was I writing?
"Many adults have been living with ADD and don't recognize it," says the literature from one of these marketers which I have sitting before me on a desk so messy it could only belong to a very advanced ADD victim. "That's because its symptoms are often mistaken for a stressful life."
Well, there you go.
See how this works? All this time I was thinking I was just completely inundated with work, personal issues and the "red bill" from the gas company! Who knew I was actually coping with a condition which could potentially result in a sizeable windfall for --
Excuse me, the phone.
Damn telemarketers.
Now, where were we?
Ah ...
Oh! Sure! My potential windfall by tearfully pleading to the Powers That Be that I have Terminal ADD and thus must be supported the remainder of my life with funds, drugs, and a live-in, uniformed, maid. Guatemalan, preferably.
I don't ask for much.
I've very seldom asked for much of anything in my whole life, come to think of it. But that's probably because I was so distracted by, for example, Mormon crickets on my office window or being read the riot act by Sears over the phone that I plain forgot what to ask for.
Isn't that new BMW convertible just --
Oh. Right. This column.
So now that I fully believe I am most certainly afflicted with a disability-worthy condition, all I have to do is take the quiz thoughtfully provided by the pharmaceutical company and then cart the document on down to my Licensed Medical Professional so he can read it, mull over my answers, puff thoughtfully on his pipe (this is a 1950s sort of Licensed Medical Professional I'm conjuring here), and say things like, "Yes. I'm afraid it is Adult ADD. Here, have some money and this fistful of sample drugs. When you find one you like, let me know and we'll order by the gross."
What a great day that'll be!
So, anyway --
Oh, hold on.
Schwans guy. I can never think of what to order -- thanks to Adult ADD!
So, er ... Oh, yeah, back to the quiz.........
(Excerpt) Read more at iconoclast.ca ...
And here I thought that was part of TMIDTDIG* syndrome.
*-The More I Drink The Deafer I Get
Hi...Nick,
You sure have a Way with Words...Your post # 23!
"hydrogenated whatchamahooie"...
I nearly fell off my chair and now I have to go and dry my key board off...spewed Tea all over it, OY VEY!
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