ADULT A.D.D. -- Investigating The Frightening Medical Scourge That Threatens Millions!

ICONOCLAST ^ | by Lin Anderson

[Apolitical]

Huh?

What?

Oh, excuse me. What were we discussing? Crickets? Top Ramen? It's all a blur.

Gimme the drugs. Now.

See how easy that was? I have now been marked as a man afflicted by the newest -- and for my money the very best -- disorder ever. Well, at least ever since the pharmaceutical profession realized that you can peddle a whole slew of drugs if you just come up with a popular enough -- if questionable -- syndrome and advertise it on television.

I speak, of course, of the scourge of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, which the drug people swear afflicts millions of Americans just like me who aren't presently downing Ritalin by the handful but really ought to be, apparently.

Where was I?

By the way: was that a shame or what: Katherine Hepburn and Buddy Hackett in the same week?

Oh! Yes! Television!

It was on television that I first learned about Adult ADD, in between innings of some baseball game or other that I can't quite remember right at the moment. Anyhoo, the commercial advised that just as children are afflicted with "wandering brain syndrome" so, too, are adults.

Whoda thunk it? By the way, did you catch CSI the other night? They had this --

Oh. Sorry.

Whoda thunk it? Well, the marketers for pharmeceuticals certainly woulda. Let's face it, a bunch of juveniles with short attention spans is one thing, but it's the adult population that's holding the swag, the green, the moola. Thus, using that cash incentive, it becomes reasonable to assume that kids whose minds wander will evolve into adults whose minds wander, and that opens up a whole new market. Just as long as the adults can be convinced they are indeed victims of something they never particularly noticed before, having that ADD and all.

Speaking of "markets," I have got to get to the store before I --

Oh. Wait. I was writing something.

What was I writing?

"Many adults have been living with ADD and don't recognize it," says the literature from one of these marketers which I have sitting before me on a desk so messy it could only belong to a very advanced ADD victim. "That's because its symptoms are often mistaken for a stressful life."

Well, there you go.

See how this works? All this time I was thinking I was just completely inundated with work, personal issues and the "red bill" from the gas company! Who knew I was actually coping with a condition which could potentially result in a sizeable windfall for --

Excuse me, the phone.

Damn telemarketers.

Now, where were we?

Ah ...

Oh! Sure! My potential windfall by tearfully pleading to the Powers That Be that I have Terminal ADD and thus must be supported the remainder of my life with funds, drugs, and a live-in, uniformed, maid. Guatemalan, preferably.

I don't ask for much.

I've very seldom asked for much of anything in my whole life, come to think of it. But that's probably because I was so distracted by, for example, Mormon crickets on my office window or being read the riot act by Sears over the phone that I plain forgot what to ask for.

Isn't that new BMW convertible just --

Oh. Right. This column.

So now that I fully believe I am most certainly afflicted with a disability-worthy condition, all I have to do is take the quiz thoughtfully provided by the pharmaceutical company and then cart the document on down to my Licensed Medical Professional so he can read it, mull over my answers, puff thoughtfully on his pipe (this is a 1950s sort of Licensed Medical Professional I'm conjuring here), and say things like, "Yes. I'm afraid it is Adult ADD. Here, have some money and this fistful of sample drugs. When you find one you like, let me know and we'll order by the gross."

What a great day that'll be!

So, anyway --

Oh, hold on.

Schwans guy. I can never think of what to order -- thanks to Adult ADD!

So, er ... Oh, yeah, back to the quiz.........

[sweetliberty]

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it goes...

I decide to wash the car and start toward the garage then I notice the mail on the table. I figure I might as well go through the mail before washing the car.

I lay my keys down on the desk, sort the mail and discard the junk mail. As I discard the junk mail, I see that the garbage can is full.

I lay the bills down on the desk and pick up the trash can. Then I figure that since I'll be going near the mailbox while taking out the trash, I may as well pay these few bills first.

Now where did I put my checkbook? Ah, here it is! Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in the other room.

Oh! There's the soda I was drinking earlier Hmmm, I guess I'd better take it out to the kitchen and discard it. On the way to the kitchen, my flower arrangement catches my eye and I realize it needs more water.

I pour the soda down the sink. As I wipe a spot of the counter I see my glasses on the window sill. It's about time. I've been looking for them all morning. I guess I'd better go put them away so I can find them again later. But first I see remote, but what's that doing in the kitchen? Aaaaaagh! I'd better take it to the living room because we'll never think to look for it in the kitchen tonight.

I take the remote out to the coffee table and find that the living room is a bit untidy, so I go around arranging cushions and throw pillows. I'm off down the hall, to... to... what the heck was I planning to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the flowers aren't watered, the checkbook still only has one check, and now I can't seem to find my car keys! I don't seem to have gotten anything done today but I just can't figure out why because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and that I'd better seek help. But first, I think I'll check my e-mail.....

[Mike Darancette]

Well, when you consider that the parents of as many as 1 in 5 children have been persuaded to drug their kids.

The schools told us that 3 out of 4 of my kids should take Ritalin. Since I had a class in Psyhchopharmacology I knew about the theory of State Dependency (if you study high you had better take the test high), I got the drug, replaced it with a placebo and let the school medicate.

The result was that the school was happy saying that the medication worked wonders and gave ny kid great grades.

I did this for the oldest but the next two I told the district to pack sand.

[Nick Danger]

Back when I was still a dinosaur, we used to have ads on TV suggesting that there was this thing called BO, and that you probably didn't want to have it.

In the usual manner of using sex to sell everything, here would come some guy smiling and waving to a couple of Hot Babes^TM, but no sooner does he go off-camera than one Hot Babe^TM says to the other, "Eeeuuuw, what's that smell."

One Mesozoic period later, we're all mindlessly spraying who-knows-what into our armpits every morning... what the doctors would call "topical application of mysterious chemicals."

OK, this time they want to administer the mysterious chemicals orally instead. So what, they got us all taking vitamin pills, too. Who among us really knows what's in those things, or what any of it does?

It's just Madison Avenue. Nobody has to buy it. "But it's death! It's poison!" Yeah, so are McDonald's hamburgers. They got hydrogenated whatchamahooie in 'em... kills laboratory rats and makes them scream.

Maybe it's good that I'm turning back into a dinosaur, because I can't get excited about this stuff anymore. Here's what I know: I'm going to be extinct. Every person who ever lived sooner or later ends up extinct. Might as well eat the potato chips, smoke the cigarettes, even try some of the pills because you ain't gettin' out of here alive. Adele Davis died of cancer. Jim Fixx died jogging. And I'm still here. Bwaa ha ha.

[Slyfox]

Ritalin is the drug that gave Judy Garland such a hard time, so says her daughter, Lorna Luft.

Next thing you know they are going to recommend Ritalin for senior citizens who are getting forgetful.

[DC native]

Where do they keep all of the men like that, she wonders?

I'm waiting for a disorder that requires mass quantities of Valium, then I'm gettin' in line fer the diagnosis.

[AlexW]

"I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it goes..."

How did you remember to push the "post" button?
We would make a great pair, running around the house, looking for each other ;)

[sweetliberty]

Did I push the post button?

[dalereed]

You don't have ADD, you are just totally disorganized!

[hoot2]

""Many adults have been living with ADD and don't recognize it," "

they just keep voting for preverted criminal demonRATS...n they don't know why.

[sweetliberty]

It was a joke I got in my email some time ago. Seemed to fit here.

[Bluntpoint]

Just a reminder... that $1200.00 you owe me has not been sent out yet.

[July 4th]

I find that my OCD regulates my ADD. :)

[kAcknor]

 If you're a member of FR, you can't be stupid.

kAcknor Sez:

Hmmm. I'm sure many here may disagree with that, depending on the subject matter at hand... :)

What were we talking about???

"rut yIHmey ghom Hoch." (Everyone meets tribbles)

Have you checked the *bang_list today?

[sweetliberty]

Sure it has. I gave it to your wife.

[angkor]

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Have you considered a DayTimer or perhaps a simple To-Do list?

[Bluntpoint]

Another person to be added to the long list of people who have been "giving it" to my wife.

[kAcknor]

Adele Davis died of cancer. Jim Fixx died jogging. And I'm still here. Bwaa ha ha.

kAcknor Sez:

That is the best quote I've read this week! You're right, "Ain't nobody gettin' out of here alive."

ROTFLMAO

"batlh bIHeghjaj." (May you die well)

Have you checked the *bang_list today?

[sweetliberty]

It was a joke! I'm amazed y'all didn't pick up on it.

[sweetliberty]

"Another person to be added to the long list of people who have been "giving it" to my wife."

Ouch!

[Bluntpoint]

"It was a joke! I'm amazed y'all didn't pick up on it."

Now what thread do you think you are posting on?