Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
A time limit of six months may be a little short (though, perhaps not for a 33-year-old ;), but in general I totally see your point.
Mistake.
an attorney,
Bigger mistake.
It sounds as though he was dating this woman, trying to find out if she was the right one for him, and just wasn't feeling the passionate love he wants to feel. She fairly asked him where he was, emotionally, and he told her that he just wasn't feeling as though their relationship would lead to marriage. She determined that she didn't want to waste any more time with him. This is fair to everyone. Nobody did anything wrong here. Nobody owes anybody an apology. It's just a good thing for her that she didn't waste any more time on a relationship that was not going to lead to adoration, dedication, and marriage.
I respect this man. He is acting on principles. Remember that the first line in this article says that he had a dramatic lifestyle change, so presumably his previous lifestyle was full of uncommitted sex. He makes it clear, without revealing intimate details, that he was horrified at the consequences of his previous lifestyle--sorrow and suffering, pregnancy, disease, and possible death.
For all of you who think it's weird: it's more common than you know. A lot of guys are celibate but just don't go around talking about it all the time. A lot of other guys aren't quite celibate but only have sex when they're deeply in love, which doens't happen all that many times in a person's life.
As for the idea of having sex with a steady girlfriend: no man should have sex with a steady girlfriend unless he's planning to marry her, because steady girlfriends get pregnant, too. There's no such thing as foolproof birth control. If you don't love her enought to marry her you don't love her enough to have sex with her.
He didn't have to sleep with her. She didn't expect him to AS LONG AS he could tell her that there might be a future for them.
I admire this guy for not having sex with these women, but a woman can tell if a man's physically attracted to her, but just chooses to "save himself" until marriage. In fact, the woman above said SHE could wait, too!
No, as another poster said, this guy's graduated from manipulating women with sex to manipulating them with virtue.
Then, he gets to plead innocence when women accuse him of using them; that's exactly what he's doing.
I wonder if the guy's even been engaged in 12 years? If not, a woman would be advised to steer clear of this "boy."
Given the current crop of modern women, I confess celibacy looks good me.
Yes he does, and the reason is to protect the children that are produced.
Good analogy. (And, as I am a big believer in the theory that "practice makes perfect" even for the terminally untalented, I never miss a piano lesson).
The opposite is wiser: He should try, of course--and should the maiden reject him, then he will know she is worth marrying.
Not to mention that most girls I have met are nut jobs and/or gold diggers regardless of how big their boobs are, or how good they look in a bikini. Bikini girls grow in trees.
Whats the point of thinking inside of your pants and ending up in lifelong misery? Its extremely stupid.
If the girl even implies that she either a) likes, admires, enjoys, or has ever at any point in history dated a "bad boy" she can go to hell. I will never be friends or respect or even talk to her. If we are on a date or even 6 months in, she's gone. Or, b) if she says that 'guys have to treat me like a queen'... forget it. She has the wrong attitude.
Its not that I am going to be mean to her, but she has to realize that if she is going to date me its going to require her own work and effort and a selfless attitude of doing something for someone else.
Then again I am not yet 33 or close to it...hopefully they grow out of it.
Yes, women expect men to show a sexual interest. The article never said he had no sexual interest, nor that he didn't express affection or love, just that he did not sleep with his girlfriends.
As a woman, I'd be thrilled with a man who made that choice. And, yes, I'd still be thrilled six months later even if I didn't have a ring. I applaud his decision and based on many of the comments on this thread, I'd say it's obvious why he's "still" not married at 33. Even FreeRepublic has many women not worthy of him.
ROTF!!! Hey at least you're honest ;-D
I do try.
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