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He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
Chicago Sun-Times ^ | June 15, 2003 | Mary Mitchell

Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo

He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

June 15, 2003

BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST

Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.

On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.

Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.

"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."

Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.

"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.

Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.

"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."

Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.

"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."

Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.

"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."

In the abstinence world, a date is a date.

"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."

But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.

""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.

On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.

"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."

Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.

"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."

As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.

For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Front Page News; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: abstinence; aids; celibate; chastity; dating; libertines; loosemorals; morality; singles; std
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OK, it's one thing to be celibate during high school. I can understand that. I can even understand being celibate until you get married, assuming you are planning to get married in your early 20s. But if you are still celibate at 33, there is something wrong.
1 posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:15 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
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To: Mister Magoo
But if you are still celibate at 33, there is something wrong.

No, it's a choice and it's a choice that confuses you.

2 posted on 06/15/2003 10:45:16 AM PDT by Archangelsk (Sensitive folks are a real hoot.)
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To: Mister Magoo
"If you're still celibate at 33, there's something wrong"...
Not neccessarily.Some people do it as a choice, and I respect that choice, even though I'm no longer a virgin myself.
The apostle Paul stayed celibate all his life. I wouldn't suppose he had anything "wrong" with him.
3 posted on 06/15/2003 10:47:53 AM PDT by Springfield45 (Bush WON, Democrats. Now YOU get over it.)
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To: Archangelsk
Yes, it does. A lot.
4 posted on 06/15/2003 10:48:15 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
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To: Mister Magoo
No, actually, there is not something wrong with being celibate at 33. In the first paragraph is states that he made a "dramatic lifestyle change" ten years ago.

Apparently he tried it and saw the destruction.
Why put yourself at risk for STDs and AIDS?

It seems that he has self control. That is a good thing.
5 posted on 06/15/2003 10:48:57 AM PDT by It's me
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To: Archangelsk
it's a choice

Yeah, but then so is shoving fruit up your nose. In both cases your likelihood of finding a mate to reproduce with is reduced.

I think this guy could win a Darwin award without actually having to die young.

6 posted on 06/15/2003 10:50:05 AM PDT by jlogajan
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To: Mister Magoo
But if you are still celibate at 33, there is something wrong.

Generally, my personal feeling is this is "pushing the limit".

BUT...given the level of AIDS/HIV in the African-American community I can
understand a smart African-American male in his thirties being MUCH more cautious
just in terms of health concerns than I would folks in other ethnic groups.

(A fair number of African-American women get infected because their husbands/boyfriends
bring back HIV/AIDS from activities during their say in prison/jail, according to what I've read.)
7 posted on 06/15/2003 10:51:04 AM PDT by VOA
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To: Mister Magoo
It is certainly unusual. I think it borders on abuse of ones sexual organ. lol
8 posted on 06/15/2003 10:51:15 AM PDT by ItisaReligionofPeace ((the original))
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To: Mister Magoo
Well, he decided to abstain ten years ago.

It never says he was a virgin then...but it does seem like he COULD have found a wife in ten years, if he's turning women down. Maybe he just likes dating women so he can rebuff their advances?
9 posted on 06/15/2003 10:52:26 AM PDT by hellinahandcart
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To: Mister Magoo
I've run across a couple of "celibate" guys in my life, not priests but very religious. They both were very tense people. Very tightly wound, edgy and defensive, not at all easy to be around. Wore their celibacy like a militant homosexual wears gay pride, they had to refer to it at least once every five minutes.

Not exactly a ringing endorsement of that lifestyle.
10 posted on 06/15/2003 10:53:10 AM PDT by Billy_bob_bob ("He who will not reason is a bigot;He who cannot is a fool;He who dares not is a slave." W. Drummond)
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To: It's me
No, it probably means that he is either gay or asexual. If I had a son that was 33, and had been celibate for 10 years, during his sexual prime, I'd think there was something wrong with him. Most men that choose to be celibate for religious reasons end up getting married very young.
11 posted on 06/15/2003 10:53:44 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
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To: Billy_bob_bob
Celibacy is nature's way of saying your genes aren't fit to produce the next generation.
12 posted on 06/15/2003 10:57:09 AM PDT by jlogajan
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To: Mister Magoo
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married.

Obviously, comprehending the written word confuses you as well.

13 posted on 06/15/2003 10:57:22 AM PDT by SMEDLEYBUTLER
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To: Mister Magoo
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."

So he finds a woman who's willing to wait for marriage, but HE isn't willing to commit after dating and abstaining for six months.

How long does he need before he can throw the poor girl a bone (no pun intended) and say "yes, I think we have a FUTURE, hang in there sweetie"?

This guy must think he's going to live for 200 years.

14 posted on 06/15/2003 10:58:15 AM PDT by hellinahandcart
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To: Mister Magoo
No one's commented on the most salient fact of this article, which is that many women today "won't tolerate" this.
15 posted on 06/15/2003 11:01:27 AM PDT by Dr. Frank fan
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To: Mister Magoo
Love is a battlefield. This man is trying to avoid becoming a casualty by staying out of the fight. He could be wrong, unless he's right.

We'll never know I suspect.
16 posted on 06/15/2003 11:05:45 AM PDT by witnesstothefall
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To: Mister Magoo
...getting married very young....

Can't blame them for that, can you? :)

17 posted on 06/15/2003 11:10:15 AM PDT by ItisaReligionofPeace ((the original))
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To: Dr. Frank
Would women a hundred years ago tolerated this?
18 posted on 06/15/2003 11:12:04 AM PDT by ItisaReligionofPeace ((the original))
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To: Billy_bob_bob
Wore their celibacy like a militant homosexual wears gay pride, they had to refer to it at least once every five minutes.

Hmmmm, that is probably closer to the mark than we will ever know.

19 posted on 06/15/2003 11:12:15 AM PDT by Double Tap
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To: Dr. Frank
No one's commented on the most salient fact of this article, which is that many women today "won't tolerate" this.

It's not that I personally don't tolerate it, I just frankly don't understand his behavior.

Women expect a man to show sexual interest, and traditionally it's her choice to say yes or no. At one time the "brakes" were entirely in the woman's hands.

I keep thinking about the woman he dated who was fine with celibacy until marriage, but when all she wanted was a tiny hint she wasn't wasting her time with him while her fertility slipped away like sands through the hourglass, he found he "couldn't help her".

If he doesn't at least ACT like he's dying to have sex with her one day, how is the woman to know he isn't just looking for a mommy instead of a real wife?

I respect his decision not to be promiscuous, but it sound like somewhere along the way it turned into an ego/control thing. He's seeing a woman who only wants to know if HE is the one she should be saving it for, and if they will be married sometime this century, and he can't even help her out with a clue. Not very kind. Or manly, IMO.

20 posted on 06/15/2003 11:12:23 AM PDT by hellinahandcart
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