Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
No apology needed. I was pointing out my own stupidity - and lack of selectivity. I was thinking with the wrong head.
Mr. Celibacy is just pointing out what works for him and why he believes it's the best way. Countless people from many different points of view do so, so I'm not bothered by him doing it.
In fact, my own experiences lead me to believe he's right.
However, I'm glad things have worked out for you, and I think your reply regarding the unwanted pregnancy issue is a responsible one.
Better?
your opinion only.
i abstained until i married at 21.
i'm 29 now - still married and doing fine.
celibacy was the norm at the religious college i attended, but, unfortunately, people coming out of this school still divorce at nearly the same rate as the rest of the country. i speculate that this is because the desire for sex pushes many celibate people to get married too young and with too short of a courtship period.
i find it ironic that celibates often scold people for making sexual compatibility a factor in choosing a life partner, when in reality, celibates are probably even more influenced by sexual attraction in making their choice (on account of they're being so hard up).
so i think there are definite benefits to waiting (foremost in my mind is avoiding an unwanted pregnancy), but definite drawbacks as well. it happened to work out well for me - but i think the more important thing is that people take responsibility for whatever decisions they make.
Obviously you see sex as just another bodily function, like yawning, scratching an itch, or sneezing. It is much more than that, and those who abstain until marriage know what the added dimension is. It is a spiritual union, and the ultimate expression of deep love for your partner. That's not something that you can experience with Linda on Monday, Sarah on Tuesday, Rhonda on Wednesday, etc., or even if they're a month apart. Your attitude is shallow, and I'd bet that your love for any woman is shallow as well. I have been down that road, and I finally realized why it hurt so much when I broke up with a woman. It was a tearing apart of that spiritual union. If you've never experienced that pain, then you've never really loved.
The whole risk-benefit analysis thing is a laugh. The risk you're assessing is the one to yourself; The benefit you're assessing is also the one to yourself. There is no thought of another there, it's all about you. That's not love for another, it's love for yourself, and only yourself.
If I loved the woman, yes!
only if your government is socialist, comrade.
only if your government is socialist, comrade.
<< which is only to say that we ought not use socialism to justify our moralism. >>
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