Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
Maybe that's how he stays celibate!
Whoever he was, he removed his genes from the future gene pool.
There's a reason why even "good girls" do it -- because the ones that don't, don't pass on their genes.
That's silly. There is a difference in risk between sleeping with every crackwhore to come down the pyke, and sleeping with a steady girlfriend who you know well.
If you say you never really know them well enough, well that's true even if you marry them -- he could still get AIDS or STD's from his first sex after marriage.
There is no "risk free" option. There are only matters of degree. He's chosen a silly level.
Today's young people are growing up in a society where EVERYTHING is about sex ... constantly.
Back in the late '80's I became friends with a young man who made the same decision to remain celibate until he married, because that's how he read The Bible.
I am 20 yrs older and a product of the '60's, so at the time I considered him somewhat querky in that regard, but deep down I respected him for the stance. I had this certain feeling God would Bless him for his decision, and I was right.
Today he and his wife are very much in love and have 2 beautiful children. It is such an inspiration and a joy to see how God has richly Blessed their marriage.
I attribute much of that to a young man who had the spiritual insight and strength of character to hold to his convictions, while at the same time, living in a society saturated 24/7 with sexual stimulus.
Thank you.
No passes made, no words of love, no promises for the future, and I'd start to wonder if maybe I'd found that rare man that doesn't want it AT ALL, even after marriage.
Assuming that your motivation is to find the right wife forever, making sure you are sexually compatible is as important as making sure you agree on children and handling money. Just last week, we celebrated our 25th anniversary. I credit the longevity of our marriage to our spending four years trying out every aspect of marriage before making the commitment - and to both of us trying out a lot of other partners first.
Not to mention cranky. Very cranky. Extremely cranky.
Yep. He also seems to be witholding his emotional involvement with these women. He is, in fact, using them, unless he tells them up front he just needs a buddy to go the ball game with. People date, ordinarily, to find mates.
If he's lonely, he should get a dog.
Then what was he playing at? He used to manipulate women with sex, now he does it with "virtue".
But that only accounts for those you knew were celibate. With most of my acquaintances, the topic never comes up.
"I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
So what was he "trying to prove" by dating that woman for six months and then saying he couldn't commit?
If he was trying to prove he could control every aspect of the relationship, he succeeded. But it doesn't look like *she* got much out of it, other than dinners.
And can you imagine to damage to her self-image?--"Even a man who's gone without sex for a decade doesn't want me!"
I repeat, he's not very kind.
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