Posted on 05/30/2003 1:43:32 PM PDT by presidio9
Sydney filmmakers, it has emerged this week, are making a documentary about fathers who pretend to breastfeed their new babies. Apparently, the fathers believe that this aids the bonding process.
At the same time, a Herald report claims men will soon be able to create babies, without the assistance of any female genetic material.
It's great that men want to be women, and women want to be men, but what will it all mean? Here's a list of just some of the ways the world would change if men and women swapped roles:
There would be proper paid maternity leave.
People would stop publishing baby manuals, since no man has ever started a job by reading the instructions.
Instead of the question "Do I look good in this dress?", there would always be a statement: "You've got to admit I look great in this dress."
There'd be proper funding for child care.
Huge street signs would be erected on the way to every obstetrician, since no bloke has ever stopped to ask for directions.
The length of the labour would be recorded on the child's birth certificate; rather like the way big-game fishermen record the length of battle for a particularly fine marlin.
Workplace productivity would fall to new lows as men everywhere were distracted by the alluring sight of their own breasts.
There would be proper paid maternity leave.
New research, published in the Herald, would suddenly reveal that its perfectly OK to drink during pregnancy. At no point would the article mention that all the researchers were blokes. As were the sub-editors who splashed it across the top of page one.
High-heel shoes would go out of fashion, to be replaced with something not so damn painful.
Prams would come with fuzzy dice and nine-inch housings. Child-care centres would pick up and deliver.
A perpetual trophy would be created by each maternity ward, and issued to the bloke who gave birth to that week's heaviest child.
Australia would rapidly become a nation of one-child families.
There would be proper paid maternity leave.
The Brazilian wax would be banned as "unconscionably painful".
Rugby league commentators would be sure to reveal how many of each team were suffering from PMT at the time of the game. Just imagining Willy Mason with PMT would be enough to cause a collapse in the other team's morale.
Cricketers would no longer wear white uniforms.
Breastfeeding would be mandatory in Parliament.
Swiss army knives would come complete with a tool for cleaning out the teat on a baby's bottle, a thermometer for baby's temperature and a pump for relieving mastitis.
The confusion of beer bellies with pregnant bellies would become so intense that every man would attempt to demand a seat on the bus.
You would be able to buy a size 20 dress in the trendiest shop, and if not we'd put a brick through the window.
There would be proper paid maternity leave.
Just as bald men have managed to convince the world that hair loss is a sign of extra testosterone, so would varicose veins become associated with fertility and fecundity.
Feeding bras would come in street designs, to show the essentially sporty and manly nature of the activity.
There'd be the Army Camouflage nursing bra, the Urban Funk maternity bra, and the Ghetto Bro, the breast itself encased in Cargo-style pockets.
Any politician who kissed a baby would, by law, have to muck-in with a nappy change.
The best seats at the footy would be reserved for the breastfeeding dads, in recognition of their contribution to the future of the game, and the nation.
And blokey bands like Cold Chisel would rewrite all their old songs: Baby's on Fire (now about dealing with a child's high temperature); Just How Many Times (about a child who wakes up all night long); and My Turn to Cry (about that moment when controlled crying always seems to backfire).
Oh, and did I mention there would be proper paid maternity leave?
Are you in favor of paid materity leave?
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
The strange thing is that there are ACTUAL cases where that really does happen, no pretending.
True is stranger than fiction.
Are you in favor of paid materity leave?
If you can't ignore two sentences in an otherwise hilarious piece...
And of course there would be high-paid maternity (paternity?) leave if men had babies. That doesn't mean I think it would be a good thing. But there is a good chance it would happen.
I'm suing.
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