'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[RandallFlagg]

Well, we're not exactly a couple of bunnies. But, they are our Sons.

[wordsofearnest]

A co-worker of mine wife used to say "Cover me up when you're done."

[webstersII]

A bunch of guy friends were hanging out and we started talking about this subject. One of the guys said, "It takes me two months to find out that I've been cut off".

I still laugh every time I think about that.

[webstersII]

"The secret to a happy marriage: For the husband to listen, really *listen* to the wife for at least 15 minutes a day. For the wife to have sex with the husband at least once a week. It seems pretty reasonable. "

Just once a week?

[honeygrl]

Ironically, when a woman who is no longer interested in sex gets her way, and the begging, wheedling, and cajoling for lovemaking finally stop altogether-- she'll die on the vine a lot faster than he will. And her resentment may be even greater than his. I am a woman, btw, so please don't tell me I know zip about female sexuality.

You know about yourself but not all women! I can go a lot longer than my hubby. Not because I don't love him or love sex, but after having a baby my interest is just gone for like a year. Do you have any kids? They give new meaning to exhaustion!

[RMDupree]

I'm grateful to you for sharing the other side of the story, Utilizer. I've had all night to sleep on it and finally spoke with my husband this morning.

We agreed on a very simple plan to save the relationship.

My top priority is doing things to make him happy and his top priority is doing things that make me happy.

It isn't easy and it's already had a bit of a bump when he suggested we get a sitter and go out. To where, you ask?

His bowling league's banquet.

*sigh*

[hellinahandcart]

all of the ironing

There it is again. End the horror! Stop the ironing! Just say "No!"

If it needs to be ironed, don't buy it. If you already own it, throw it out or send it out (to be ironed by others at an entirely reasonable cost). Life is too short to spend ironing...

Good for you on the other chores. But your wife ought to be counting her blessings instead of setting up hoops for you to jump through. My sympathies.

[webstersII]

"How come men are expected to help with the laundry but women aren't supposed to help with the lawn? Have you ever
heard a guy complain that his wife doesn't help him mow the lawn? Or clean the gutters? Or clean the basement? Or help
with the renovations? "

Glad someone brought this up. We divide up most of the chores by inside and outside duties, and that works good for us.

Most of the whiners who complain about men not helping with laundry and cooking neglect all the time most men spend taking care of the yard, the gutters, the painting, the cars, etc. I will say, though, that my wife works at least as hard as I do, probably even more so. But she's not a whiner, either.

[RMDupree]

I do all those things readily. In fact I relish it.

See? That's what I mean. Lending a hand towards the kids is hard work, but it should definitely be a team effort. Especially if both parents have full time jobs.

I don't do things for my kids with a grudge or a sour look and my disappointment is that he does.

[DeathfromBelow]

You only have 10 fingers and toes, what does he buy after all sport a ring?

[malakhi]

While I wash the dishes, it would be nice if he got the bath water ready. While I bathe the kids, it would be nice if he got their pajamas out. So on and so forth. I could never feel comfortable sitting around watching TV while he was busting his butt doing everything around the house. We both work full time jobs and he gets out at 2pm, as I said before. He goes to his mom's to wait until I get home so he doesn't have to deal with kids, etc until I'm already there to tackle the work.

May I ask you, how old are your children?

[RMDupree]

Can you get his mother on your side, or is she the one who "created the monster" in the first place? Just athought.

His mom is of the philosophy that "all men are like that".

Your kids are going to be old enough to wash themselves and do their own chores eventually.

I know! And I can hardly wait! I've mentioned this to him and told him that we're just going through a rough patch, but it's a TEMPORARY rough patch. It only feels like forever.

The biggest time-waster in the entire world is ironing. I hope you're not doing *any* of that.

LOL! No ironing in a while, thank goodness.

[wordsofearnest]

Is that before or after the no sex part.

[malakhi]

Go to your local bookstore and buy a book by William Harley, Jr. called "His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage."

Sounds like a good book. Thanks for the reference, Nita!

[RMDupree]

Please tell your lazy, brain-dead husband that this husband of 18 years of marriage with 2 teenage children does all the dishes every night; empties the dishwasher; all of the yardwork; painting; sweeping daily and scrubbing the kitchen floor; all of the ironing; wash windows; polish brass; changing of bed linens weekly; and numerous other chores. I don't get much sex from my wife, but I will be damned if she is stuck with a disproportionate amount of housework. Fair is fair.

I think it has a lot to do with the way he was brought up and the way his family interacted with each other. They are quite the self-centered group of people. For example, when he was 6, he distinctly remembers his mom taking off with the grocery money to go party, whilst he, his dad and siblings dined on ketchup sandwiches.

I, on the other hand, grew up watching my mom do EVERYTHING for my father, even clipping his toenails! He left her after 27 years of marriage. :(

It's safe to say we both have issues. The difference is, I recognize and want to fix mine!

[malakhi]

Oh, and it looks like you found your password. ;o)

[RMDupree]

5 years old and 10 months old.

See my homepage! :)

[JavaTheHutt]

There's an evolutionary reason for that.

Somebody always has to bring up the evolution myth.

[DeathfromBelow]

"I didn't marry to be celibate"

Don't you mean abstinate? Celibate means not getting married, so a priest hasn't broken the vow of celebacy, only his vow of abstinance.

[RMDupree]

You know about yourself but not all women! I can go a lot longer than my hubby. Not because I don't love him or love sex, but after having a baby my interest is just gone for like a year. Do you have any kids? They give new meaning to exhaustion!

That sounds like my case too! It just up and vanished, even though I love him and enjoy sex. It's a strange phenomenon.