'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[riri]

"The result is having a profound impact on the gene pool. The smartest women do not have any kids, pretty much capping how smart women in general can be."

I know a few bright women with children. Conversely, I know plenty of educated, career-women types who have no children and don't have a whole heck of alot going on upstairs. I never make the mistake of equating education level with intelligence level. Some people simply have degrees because someone else was paying for it and it was something to do until the husband came along.

[riri]

Then you DO understand the connection

No, I mean sleep. Sawing logs, cutting some zzzz's..

[cake_crumb]

"Quick fixes like mine are only a minor adjustment in which a person has to change their entire lifestyle."

That was VERY well put. And yes, some people DO need to see a doctor. Fewer than the current therapy cult generated by social leftists would have us believe, but still, some do.

[duckman]

'One can sometimes get more satisfaction, and real "after-results", from a great meal.'

I agree, especially when I make my tomato sauce and pasta. A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

[Utilizer]

If men understood how sexy it is to help with housework without being asked, to change diapers, to call babysitters, to play with the kids ... they'd do more of it.

Ummm... excuse Me? By that same definition, a woman who wrenches the new starter in while I hold it in position, recommends substituting a 2N3906 instead of a 2N2222 transistor to see if the performance of the circuit will actually improve in a real-world situation, or looks up register calls and recommends jump points for the debugger... would be hotter than a white dwarf (or a Red Dwarf)!

It rather reminds Me of that old joke: You know you are from a small town when...

1. Your definition of 'erotic sleepware' is tube socks and a flannel shirt.

2. The only 'Radio Shack' you know of is that spare wall in the back of the Ace Hardware store filled with 60's-era components.

3. Your idea of Hot Rodding is when you ignore the one stop light in your town and run the red light -at night at tennish or so.

4. Simply finding an unmarried partner that does not immediately remind you of the back-end of the Queen Mum's coach is a full-time occupation.

Note: I am from a small town, so I can definitely attest to the veracity of the iterated points.

[JudgemAll]

If you are not trying to have kids, then by definition you are a pervert.

Well, this sin is forgiven in a mediated marriage.

[AlbionGirl]

I think you're right. Excess flesh is a turn off for me too. It sounds like your a decent husband just by the way you say you don't want to mention anything for fear of upsetting your wife. Aesthetics matter to some people and not to others, I don't see how you combat that.

One thing though, no woman wants to be overweight IMO, and it's hard to be disciplined with food for some people because it's not like other things you might find comfort in that you can live without. The temptation to indulge is always there.

Exercise has been my lifeline because it simultaneously decreases my appetite and allows me to eat more. I have never gone 4 consecutive days without exercising in 25 years. Besides the physical benefits, it completely eliminated my tendency towards melancholy. It banishes the mullygrubs good and fast, and it's something I can't live without.

[JustPiper]

God made us different for recreation not merely creation.

I did research for a book I titled Pieces: Why are men & women together (Being the pieces don't fit). We are such different creatures. Just when we think we can surpass and understand one another, we do not and the resentments build. Then we react differently to it, which draws us further apart. I concentrated on interviewing 50 men from many different walks of life, their answers amazed me and made me empathize more. I went to the women's writer guild and many other females. And after all that still no answers. Seeing both sides does not equate getting past the barriers. Communication is key, understanding is fine and good, but resolution is a whole other matter.

[cake_crumb]

Pardon me. You stated that your wife was in great shape before having the baby. Did she cry at the drop of a hat before having him? Though I'm the one who said too many people are going running to therapy for small problems and instant fixes...you might want to pay more attention to her. Close attention, because she may REALLY NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR. And yes, she might need to see a doctor even if she cried at the drop of a hat before having the baby, though for different reasons.

[Nita Nupress]

Just a random thought and to no one in particular...

I haven't seen one single situation/complaint on this thread yet that couldn't be improved by both the husband and wife learning good communication skills. Unless we had an exeptional childhood, the ability to be assertive (without being aggressive) on a CONTINUAL basis is usually not one of the things we are taught while growing up. We all tend to communicate with our spouses the way our parents communicated to THEIR spouses. That's what feels and seems "normal" and, unless we teach ourselves differently, it's all we know how to do.

Personally, I think "Marriage Communication Skills 101" should be a required course in high school AND college. :-)

[ido_now]

After reading all these posts to this article, I have lost all interest in sex.

As with most things in life 90% are culeless.

[Utilizer]

Why not ask what a man is thinking about? Why is it a turn off? Just trying to get inside the male psyche, here.

Look at it this way; how would you feel if, in the middle of a warm and loving hug, he asks you: "Did you pick up that alternater from the car-parts store?"

To a male, generally speaking, sex is more a physical thing than an emotional one. He would rather have your warm embraces and passionate responses than your attempting to compare the moment with a romantic poem or two.

That, and such moments are when the female typically attempts to maneuver the conversation about in order to determine the 'extent' of his emotional attatchment. All men become nervous at this stage, as an incorrect answer may very well result in the immediate cessation of any further embraces -to say the least- for that time or conceivably any other.

[carlo3b]

My dear carlo3b, surely you know we are boycotting all things French.

I must have lost my mind....blush....thanks for the reminder....sorry... :)

[Foxfire4]

Describe to me, in twenty words or less, your last orgasm.

"Valhalla, I am coming."

Foxfire4

[cake_crumb]

"And the gym is about 2 miles from my house. Being overweight and out of shape is as much a state of mind as it is a state of body. Damn, I Sure have ruffled some feathers here..... : ( "

You only ruffled mine with the 'blimping out' thing. My neighbor talks about his wife like that, and she's thin as a rail. In fact, he talks TO her like that. Once he accused her of being a lesbian because she and I were shooting pool together and darned near got himself killed by my husband, who was sitting right next to him. Also, I deal with abuse cases.

Maybe I jumped the gun by keying on that 'blimping out' phrase too quickly. If so, I apologize. It's great that you spend quality time with your daughter. I asked how YOUR WIFE saw it. In other words, don't try to guess and answer me, find out from her if you can. It'll probably take you some time to get the answer.

[Reeses]

Sources, please.

"Birth and Fertility Rates by Educational Attainment" www.cdc.gov

[Moose4]

That's my wife, baby! YEAH! WOOOT! WHO'S THE MOOSE? I'M THE MOOSE!

(Foxfire4 is so going to reach over and slap the hell out of me when she refreshes this thread...)

}:-)4

[Missus]

This is just a great thread!

I'm married, I'm overweight (and working on it), and we have 2 kids, planning for 2-3 more... and I just can't stand the way a lot of women manipulate with sex, and the withholding of it! To me, quite often it boils down to selfishness. I'm lucky to be married to a guy who keeps pace with me in the "marital arts".

Should he refuse sex altogether, for long periods of time, that would definitely have a negative effect on our marriage. I didn't marry to be celibate. After all, "Marriage makes a sacrament what you'd otherwise have to confess." "Can't" is definitely not in the same ballpark as "Won't", so making comparisons to staying happily married after medical tragedies, and just not giving it up, isn't even apples to oranges.

He helps out in the kitchen because he wants to (and, we have a small kitchen. Lots of inadvertent bumping, flirting, etc can happen). He helps out with the kids because he loves them. "Chores" are totally unrelated to sex--or at least, they should be!!

For "Delbert"--unfortunately, there's no nice way to bring up the problem. But it IS a problem. So, how's about:

Scheduling some family activities that involve Activity. Hikes (with no picnic), playing at the beach, walking to the park and holding hands, etc. All of this can be couched in good terms: "Dear wife, I really want to spend some time with all of us together. I can't think of anything nicer than strolling along with you and my daughter, holding hands." (But, make a habit of that companionship every evening, all summer, and the wife will be more active come fall!)

Ask for her help, by not buying the junk food. If it's not in the house, it's a lot harder to eat it. We don't even go down the ice cream isle, but spend a lot of time in the produce section. Low Carb is definitely AWESOME. (And, what guy is going to turn down red meat a couple of times a week? Everyone benefits!)

Being fat isn't fun. She knows she's fat. She's probably hating herself for it. It feels futile to try anything, because she'll still feel fat in the morning. It takes awhile to get to the point where we can recognize our own failing (laziness is a big one). You're doing great being patient! Keep doing it, but add some action in there, too. I'm lucky to have a patient fellow, who knows how great I CAN look, and what I'm shooting for. He's also realistic about my weight going up and down while we're having kids... and is okay with it.

Now, the "self-limiting intelligence" comments from Reeses.... I won't even address those. Cannon fodder, babe.

I shared the doggy style joke with my non-interested SIL... she insisted I email them to her hubby so he could giggle, too.

[Nita Nupress]

If I never had sex again, I could be satisfied.

And she probably knows that but you still have sex anyway, even on some days when she's tired and would rather not. And you probably fold clothes and do dishes on some days when you're tired and would rather not.

That's IT, folks. The secret to a long and happy marriage. :-)