Rumsfeld fields stupid, Anti-American questions - the famous SNL skit

http://snltranscripts.jt.org ^ | 11-17-2001 | SNL writers

[SarahW]

Donald Rumsfeld Press Briefing Donald Rumsfield.....Darrell Hammond Reporter #1.....Ana Gasteyer Reporter #2.....Seth Meyers Reporter #3.....Rachel Dratch Reporter #4.....Will Ferrell Reporter #5.....Amy Poehler Reporter #6.....Maya Rudolph Reporter #7.....Dean Edwards Donald Rumsfeld: Uh.. [ checks his watch ] ..good afternoon. Today marks the end of the sixth week of our military campaign in Afghanistan. Although the campaign continues to meet with success, let me remind you, as I've done many times before, it's only part of the larger war on terror! Now, I'll be happy to take any questions you may have. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes? Reporter #1: Today also marks the beginning of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. Does the U.S. plan on suspending its bombing campaign during this period? Donald Rumsfeld: Do we plan? Do we plan to cease bombing during Ramadan? I suppose my answer to that would be I'm not gonna tell you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes? Reporter #2: We're getting reports of U.S. special-ops forces being dropped into Taliban areas with camoflauge and night-vision goggles. This means the Taliban soldiers won't be able to see our troops, but we'll be able to see them. Is that fair? Donald Rumsfeld: Is it fair? I imagine my reply to would be that life itself is not fair. In war, one tries to maximize one's advantage, fair or unfair, wherere possible. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes. Reporter #3: Um.. yes. With our military campaign stalled, and the opposition forces seemingly bogged down in a quagmire, isn't there a danger the U.S. will look like a weakling and thus lose support of the Afghan people? Donald Rumsfeld: Isn't that the same question you asked last week? Reporter #3: Oh, I'm sorry. Um.. okay.. with our military campaign moving so rapidly, and opposition forces easily running over Taliban areas, isn't their a danger the U.S. will look like a bully, and thus lose its support of the Afghan people? Donald Rumsfeld: Uh, that sounds like an interesting question, and certainly well-intentioned.. but I'm gonna be honest with you, I drifted off in the middle of it! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes. Reporter #4: We're being told that Northern Alliance forces are firing back at Taliban troops who have fired on them, even though the Taliban troops have missed. Does the U.S. condone that? Donald Rumsfeld: Now, what kind of question is that? Reporter #4: Thought-provoking? Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo. Reporter #4: Incisive? Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo. Remember what I said about your question the other day? Reporter #4: That it was.. idioitic? Donald Rumsfeld: And? Reporter #4: And that I'm an embarrassment both to myself and my newspaper? Donald Rumsfeld: That's right! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes, you have a question? Reporter #5: [ shaking head ] No. No. Donald Rumsfeld: You had your hand up! Reporter #5: Well, I did.. but I don't want to ask my question any more. Donald Rumsfeld: Why not? Reporter #5: Too scared. Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, does anyone else have any questions? [ ] Nobody? Alright, I have a question. Why am I doing this? I had a satisfying, highly-paid career in the private sector. What would possess me to take this job, so I could stand here day after day and answer a lot of fool questions from a collection of cretins, hacks and angry lesbians such as yourselves! What was I thinking?! Can one of you tell me? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes. Reporter #6: Um.. why do we have to answer questions? Donald Rumsfeld: Because it's my press briefing, and I say so. Reporter #1: Colin Powell doesn't make us answer questions. Donald Rumsfeld: That a fact? Reporter #4: [ meekly ] Colin Powell is nice. Donald Rumsfeld: Well, I'm nice, too. If I seem to be tough on you, it's because I love you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes. Reporter #3: Uh.. isn't there a danger that your tough-love approach will make you seem mean, thus losing the support of the Washington press corps as well as the Afghan people? Donald Rumsfeld: Perhaps in the short run, but one day I suspect they'll thank me. Any other questions? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes. Reporter #7: Can you tell us anything about how "Saturday Night Live" plans to open their show this week? Donald Rumsfeld: No! Any other questions? Nobody? Alright, then, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

[SarahW]

Best. SNL. Opening. Ever.

What's amazing is that the members of the esteemed press seem to be asking the same questions used in the "comedy" briefing.

Consider:

"(The real)Rumsfeld (3/21/2003 press briefing): Way in the back.

Q: Over here, it seems to me that we're moving relatively freely toward Baghdad. You -- General Myers talked about, "We're 100 miles inside." There's reports of surrenders, and then with the attack on Wednesday, that we degraded Saddam's capability of communicating with his commanders. Yet we keep talking about this overwhelming force that we're prepared to use. I'm wondering, are you concerned at all that we will be seen as a bully? "

Well, anyway, the sketch will seem eerily similar to the press briefings in the present conflict...

[jocon307]

LOL, this is very funny. Great Post, thanks!

[Radix]

Great post.


I really can use a laugh now and then these days.

[WOSG]

Great humor. If it didnt have relation to the absurd reality, it wouldnt be funny.

But I saw the REAL Rummy briefing yesterday, and it was almost as funny.

"If they want to be martyrs for Saddam, they will be acommodated."

[NewYorker]

Love it! Thank you.

[irv]

a collection of cretins, hacks and angry lesbians

Whoever wrote this had obviously spent time in a real newsroom.

[FourPeas]

That's a skit? Eerie.

[Amazed1953]

LMAO!!! I think I saw that same briefing yesterday about Iraq.

[annyokie]

ping!

[yankeedame]

LOL, this is very funny. Great Post, thanks!

Ditto! Reminds me of the bit Rush did on his radio show on Wes.(3/25),I think it was. Where he pretended he was answering reporters question. Very funny! He said he might do this shtick on a daily bases. I hope so, 'cause it was hoot!

[sauropod]

Agree. Saw pretty much the same thing today with Torie Clark's press briefing.

[kylaka]

Its amazing what passes for humor on SNL these days. They're very big on potty jokes, and pre 6th grade stuff now.

[SarahW]

All the good writers jumped ship. The actors know it, they aren't even trying anymore.

But this skit from 2001 is one of my all-time favorites.

[madfly]

LMAO, Good timing, SarahW!

I just heard some Alex chic on MSNBC ask a real dumb question. Some military expert was telling her that the report of two drones going down in Iraq good news because it tells theM that more of them are out there, and used to provide info on Iraqi targets. She asked him "So, tell me, what would be on these drones, missles, tomahawks?" He gave a detailed account of the night vision cameras, and altitude capabilities, Drone Aircraft 101.

Alex hasn't been paying attention.

Last week on FOX, Lori Doo was being told how the treatment and playing the video of the POW's was violating the Geneva convention. She asked, "So what does the Geneva Convention have to say about playing that tape?" He politely told her, that playing the tape was propagating the violations of the treatment BEING taped! Duh Ms Doo! . . . and that the GC was signed 50 years ago when there weren't vcr's and video's. LMAO,

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

Ping!

[SarahW]

That one was pretty good, too!

[madfly]

ping :)

[meowmeow]

husband & brother ping...here is the SNL skit we missed.

After seeing some real press briefings, I don't know whether to laugh or be horrified.

[SarahW]

See? Rummy can be quite accomodating. :)