'Time-Travaler' busted for insider trading

Yahoo : Entertainment News & Gossip ^ | Wednesday March 19, 2003 | Chad Kultgen

[Flashman_at_the_charge]

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003
By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

[A CA Guy]

Who? What's the doctor's name? You never said WHO he is?

This sounds like a great urban legend.

[KellyAdmirer]

He should have just deposited the $800 in a tax-free money market account and flown back to the future, let compounded interest do his work for him. Over 250 years he would have accumulated a nice piece of change.

[GovernmentShrinker]

No problem. As long as he promptly provides "the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS", I say we drop the charges, let him keep the $350 million (wonder what it'll be good for 200 years in the future) and let him "return to the future in his time craft".

P.S. This article is a total fantasy, as Rikers is a city prison (NYC Dept. of Corrections); the SEC brings only federal charges and its prisoners go to federal prisons.

[Hoboken]

If time travel were possible, the grassy knoll would have looked like Woodstock.

[stuartcr]

Let us know when his fingers start to disappear.

[Azarona Joel]

You are forgetting. It was pretty crowded on the grassy knoll.

[Lord_Baltar]

Interesting idea Kelly, but that's assuming that the same "financial institutions" still exist in his timeline, and that he could expect a return from them without having to maintain some "control" over it in the time period between this timeline and his.

Wow, I never thought I'd see the day, when we'd be having a time travel discussion on FR...

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information.

Occam's Razor. Occam's Razor, baby.

When you hear hoof beats...look for horses, not zebras.

[Kadric]

On the matter of time travel. Forget the money. I want to know How the exact same atoms/subatomic particles can exist in 2 places at the same time? The particles this guy and his machine are made of already exist in our time frame.

[exhaustedmomma]

HG Wells update sighting...

[Heyworth]

P.S. This article is a total fantasy, as Rikers is a city prison (NYC Dept. of Corrections); the SEC brings only federal charges and its prisoners go to federal prisons.

Is that the clue that tipped you off? Not you, Shrinker, but I'm amazed at how many people are being taken in by this story. "Time traveler from the future" and all some people come up with is to be angry that his constitutional rights have been violated?

[general_re]

Presumably he'd know which institutions survived from our time to his. Besides, even if he didn't, it's still worth a shot in the dark - $800 at 6% over 250 years yields almost $1.7 billion. Depending on how inflation goes over the next 250 years, he might do okay ;)

[Publius6961]

Ok this is really clever.
Where is the BSNN logo?

[samtheman]

Why come back now and do a few petty stock trades when the same time machine could have taken him back a few decades earlier when he could have scooped Al Gore on inventing the internet?

(I guess he's lacking the vision thing.)

[my_pointy_head_is_sharp]

Who's on first

[Lord_Baltar]

Do they?

IF he had traveled through time, then he wouldn't exist in this timeline. His relatives might, but he wouldn't.

As for his atoms, are atoms set at a constant number? Meaning, are all the atoms that will ever be already in existence, no more, no less?

Also, is Time Linear? (like a strip of film, where each frame represents a moment in time) or, is it a multie-verse of timelines all going on at the same time. Meaning somewhere within this dimension Napoleon is invading Waterloo, Ceasar is attaining the throne of Rome, and early man is just crawling out of a cave looking for lunch?

We may percieve it as Linear, but is it?



ugggg, I think my headache just went migraine...

[_Jim]

I wonder where he got the $800 from?

I want to see the dates on those bills or the dates on whatever security he used to open an account ...

[exhaustedmomma]

How To Build a Time Machine/Scientific American.com...quark, he left us a blue-print! (skeptically rolling eyes)

[sonofatpatcher2]

Re: Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Is this the bald-headed SOB?

"If it is,
he's dead just as soon as I can find him! The scumbag stole my 2500-401K!"

Want a break from war news? Go to Stark Trek for a laugh or two. Then come back refreshed and loaded for bear!