Posted on 11/17/2002 11:43:07 PM PST by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub
Military Jokes & Humor
Camouflage Uniform Wear Policies
MARINES: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
ARMY: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
NAVY: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship.
(Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)
AIR FORCE: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons
and colorful squadron patches all over them.
An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing whose's service is better and whose troops are the bravest?
The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossiple" as he raeches for the phone.
Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.
When all three representives have arrived, the Admiral states "Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course.".
The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned runnig towards the cliff. After performing a triple-linddy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.
The Marine General says "that wasn't nothing," and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff,then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."
And with that the Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.
The Army General then says "Very nice gentlemen, but heres true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."
The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.
The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says
"Now gentlemen, thats BRAVERY."
Getting over YET another cold *grumbles* I'm going in for a flu shot this week no matter what. Other than that doing ok. Looking forward (ha!) to sinus surgery this coming Monday, the day after my 26th birthday.
Hubby has school again this week, which makes him glad cause he doesn't have to go to the boat. *L* Kids are doing fine.
Here they are on Halloween night. Grandma bought them their firefighter costumes this year. They had a great time trick or treating.
Have a great day everyone!
You were very busy this morning, my friend. : )
GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS AND VETERANSHave a wonderful day all!
~~~deadhead~~~
answer the question "Where are you from?" with "I'm kinda from all over the place."
Born in England, raised in England, Africa, California, Mississippi, Ohio, and Arizona, entered the service in Phoenix, stationed in Kansas, Germany (twice), Maryland, Texas, California, and Arizona...gee, I'm from kinda all over!
at 22 you are trying to find someone in the military to marry so you can get a new I.D. card.
My oldest is 21, and is marrying a girl who is in the Az Army National Guard. To get an ID card? Well, I doubt it, but who knows?
Today in Anchorage, Alaska:
Sunrise 9:15am
Sunset 4:13pm
Hi 32F
Lo 28F
Cloudy.
Actual yesterday in Anchorage:
Hi 31F
Lo 26F
State Hi 51F Annette
State Lo -11F Galena
I'm in the same boat as you. That's an excellent idea, larry. Humor in Uniform is a good idea. Good hunting. Our troops need any jokes we can find. I'll look at break time too.
Cannon Balls In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others? The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys."
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"
1. Blue water Navy truism; there are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
2. If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
3. Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
4. When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
5. Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
6. What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
7. Never trade luck for skill.
8. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?” "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"
9. Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
10. Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
11. Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
12. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
13. I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
14. Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
15. Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
16. Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
17. When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
18. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
19. Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
20. The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
21. A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
22. If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
23. If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
24. Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
25. You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)
26. Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
27. There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
28. The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)
29. "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).
30. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
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