Posted on 02/10/2002 2:23:45 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt
If you have gone through the experience of losing a spouse, (or someone you know has) could you please post on this thread about that time, any ideas or help for others going through this terrible experience?
As far as widow groups she would have to call the churches in her area that she would be comfortable attending. I don't want to recommend one church over another. I don't believe that there is a set widows "program" sponsored by one denomination.
InChiefsHonor...I am so sorry for your loss, and will pray for you, and think of you, as you deal with your loss..
In spite of all I tried, to get over my sons death, I eventually wound up in the hospital, diagnosed with severe clinical depression....but meds and much therapy have restored me...I also have amnesia for about the first 18 months after my sons death...this is not tremendously unusual...I have read of many other mothers who lost a child, and some have had amnesia for years after the death...its almost as if the mind will not allow us to relive the sharp pain we felt so soon after our childs death..."
Wow, your story is so moving, and I always admire the grace you have to reach out to others and help when they are hurting.
it's so good to see you here! Not surprised you would post such beautiful words in your post #27 ...
I think your thoughts may bring some comfort to many here who have lost someone, even if it's not their beloved child...but still - people need to understand when others are grieving - you can't just turn it on or turn it off.
Hope your adventurer son is doing well, and hubby too! Good to see you, and I hope the CHief's Wife gets to read what you wrote...
Pain does not endure. Love does.
I have had to deal with both guilt and regret during the past year. Guilt over having to watch her die here at home which is what she wanted to do. That burden is still with me. I watched over her for several days until it was over. It was hard and I have felt guilty about not taking her to the hospital. And then there are the regrets about how I could have been better. It has taken almost all year to understand that it was not guilt and regret but the loss that I was feeling. If I can give you anything it is the understanding of those emotions.
To get through this year I have had to change my lifestyle. I exercise regularly at a health club. Exercise has been one way of getting through the bad days. There are a lot of studies that show that it does help.
The other thing is do not say no. For a while friends and relatives will ask you to do things or come over for dinner. Accept the invitations. If you do not they will stop asking. Then when you do feel up to see them it will be harder.
I hope these comments help.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I lost my Mom in June of 1996. We were so heartbroken, still are. But we had comfort that my brothers, sister, Step-Dad and myself were with my Mom at my Mom's home when the time came. I Thank God all the time for such a close, loving family.
However, Deb's mention of a elist for support groups set something off which I feel should be shared.
I'm certainly no expert, though it has been about 9-1/2 years since I lost my husband/lover/best friend. He had been ill several years;we knew his life would be cut short due to disease and we planned and talked a lot about death and dying; however, something else took him away. I don't believe one can ever be fully prepared for such a loss.
Last year, one of our FReepers was devastated over the sudden loss of his wife. There were condolences on a thread, and it seems as though many people sent him private FReepmails.
I recently checked up on our friend as I had offered an off-the-board response and received a wonderful answer. He was so very grateful for all the FReepmail he had received that he had printed them out and read them daily....he is now at the point where he's reading them once a week.
One issue that I had brought up to our male FReeper was the difficulty of the first holiday or celebration of any type--in other words, the first birthday, the first anniversary, the first Christmas....my husband died in early November, so Thanksgiving wasn't exactly great;Valentine's Day worse because it was our anniversary.
Our male FReeper also mentioned to me that it was true about the first of anything....and he said that it is getting better....one day at a time.
Could I add one other thing....for all FReepers.....if you've suffered a loss, somewhere down the road when you see someone hurtin over a loss, take a few minutes to share their pain.
FReepers, if you've not suffered a loss, it's impossible to find the 'right words' to say, but for Heaven's sake, say something....."I'm sorry Joe's not with us anymore" sure as hell beats ignoring that Joe was a human being who was much loved.
I would add here, that the adventurer son was the younger boy who watched his older brother suffer and die...Andy was only barely 11 when his brother died, and he was inconsolable for so long...he sobbed and sobbed the entire night his brother died, and he would not let us comfort him...he just cried himself to sleep....
In some ways, I think, Andy has become an adventurer, because he saw all too clearly how short life can be...he saw that his older brother would never have the chance to live his life fully...I sometimes believe that Andy lives his life double, once for himself, and once for his brother..
Prayer to St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light, and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive, It is pardoning that we are pardoned....And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Just be patient with yourself, endulge yourself a little. Cry if you feel like it, laughter is ok as it has healing in it. Talk about your Loved One, the good, the bad, the everday things that made you love them. Most of all talk to GOD.
The first year after Jeremy's murder I cried at the drop of a pin. Even found myself going clothes shopping for him, when I realized what I was doing, I just left the cart sitting in the isle and fled the store in tears. Going to the cemetary and caring for his grave was a compulsion that eased with time. Still hurts, still brings tears 13 years later. The hurt will never go away, just gets easier to bear as time brings distance.
I help others with their parole protest as an outlet for my anger and rage at the "injustice" system. The more I find out about the "injustice system" the more I get fed up with BOTH parties for their love of pork projects like golf courses, instead of prisons and executions.
You are so right about our "injustice" system. You have certainly had experience fighting that fight - (re: fighting the parole of the person who killed your child!). Thank you for your comments - everything you have said is important and helpful.
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